I wanted to write this down because it might help me make more sense of myself, more sense of who or what I am. This may come out a bit here and there but I guess right now thats how my thought process is going. Please bear with me.
A week ago I was a boy. I had never considered being anything other than a boy. What a difference a week can make.
For the past few days I've been identifying as female, wanting to be perceived as such. So much so my walk has changed, the way I converse has changed and my want to wear cute and sexy clothes has come into play. I've never been interested in clothes, they don't excite me, I don't see something and think OH MY GOD I MUST HAVE IT. At least, I didn't when I was a boy.
As male I looked at females and most of the time my initial thought was...could I fall in love with this girl. Something doesn't seem right there..do boys do that?....I have told people in the past I can remove myself emotionally from sex but the truth of the matter is I can't...if I'm sleeping with someone 9/10 I have emotional feelings towards them. And if I don't then sex isn't good at all.
Looking back on myself I remember when I changed. As a child I was always sensitive, thoughtful, loved to make people laugh, I was sweet and cute and would do anything for my friends and family to make them happy or smile. I got very confused at around 15 years of age and ended up having oral sex with a boy even though I was in a relationship with a girl (my first love) and after we broke up this is when I started self harming. After a few more times of being taken advantage of by girls I professed my undying love for I began to realise the more I was a dick to people the more people liked me. Apparently thats true. Who knew.
At age 18 I switched my personality. I began to act. I became brash, confident, self centred, chauvinistic, holier than thou...I became the boy I stayed as until I was 26. The sweet sensitive and caring person was still under it all though, only seen in very rare cases and only by those closest to me, but otherwise I put on a front that after a while became who I was, who I am perceived as. I guess I kinda forgot the other person underneath.
On top of that I always had the fantasy of switching genders, transforming actually properly to a girl, either by body swapping (which wasn't as exciting) or by actually transforming into a girl, cock shrinking, balls being absorbed, breasts growing. This was exciting in a sexual way, and in a non sexual way.
At age 26 I was single and in a really horrible place, I'd begun self harming again, was smoking drugs regularly, drinking and my diet was horrible...I was trying to fill a void and I didn't even know what it was. Gradually during this time my sexuality switched from girls to boys more, I wanted some young sexy guys with muscles to play with. I still found girls attractive, even had sexual relationships with a few girls, but it was boys I was really into. It seems throughout my life that every time I broke up with a girl I went more for boys, as if it was where I was supposed to be. But being gay...well I could never be. I can't ever fall in love with a guy, they're just playthings right? I'm supposed to marry a girl, have babies...because thats what boys do. Thats the way things are. Society denotes it.
The whole body transformation thing was a fantasy, and it remained that until I started liking boys who were sissy, basically twinks who dress as girls. This had been a source of fascination for me, I had always said in a joking kind of way that my perfect partner would be a guy with boobs. So I got more into porn and things involving boys as girls, so it became an almost constant feature of my sexual fantasies, but it was always other people. Never me. Because I could never be a sexy sissy boy, a boy who looks like a girl. I'm far too manly for that. Far too butch and built to even consider it....but still.
I continued this way for a while, eventually I decided to try some girls underwear on, it was a sexual thrill. I remember being really scared and thinking if I put them on I was opening pandoras box and I would never be the same again. Apparently I was right. Because after trying on the panties I wanted to try on the jeans, then the bra, then the top....before I knew it I was cross dressing in secret at night after everybody went to bed. I was in deep and needed some guidance...on a website devoted to meeting people for casual sex I met a girl called Allie, who actually opened my eyes. Shes M2F (I have other F2M friends but I'd never actually met a M2F) I had a lot of questions and stuff and we discussed how I had been feeling.
I remember the tipping point of the conversation. I explained to her about how I would never be a girly girl so there would be no point me even considering a true to life transition to female. I would never pass as a girl so its pointless. She asked me if I could switch genders right now from male to female and have everyone accept it as if it had always been the way I was...would I do it...
The answer was yes. Her reply was a simple one.
"That sounds pretty trans to me"
She was right. It was that moment the repressed feelings, the real me...came tumbling out. Everything I had ever pushed down, my attraction to boys, my transformation fantasies, my sweet cute caring side, my childhood games...it all fell into place. And it continues to do so even now. I still feel sometimes like I'm in a mad free fall towards an unknown destination.
I actually had a crisis of self at this point, and I turned to my most open and accepting friend Stacey, I explained I had been wearing clothes and been having some very confusing feelings and I wasn't sure who I was anymore. She told me I need to explore this side of me so I should try being female for a while to see how it felt....as always she is pretty wise.
The next day I wore makeup and stuffed my top and probably looked ridiculous but I explained it to my housemates as "Having a girly day"..which was fine. After a while I explained to my best friend Tasha that I was going through some changes and I wanted to dress as female to see how it felt...how I felt.
The answer to that was...better. I felt more confident...happier.
And on top of it all the want and need to be constantly loved disappeared. I felt like I was in control of my own life. I was fine, good, happy. Which is scary. Because if I'm happy as a girl then that must mean I'm trans. I'm not a cross dresser for the sexual thrill of it all. I do it because I want to be seen as female. I want to BE female.... And if I'm trans then I have a whole massive journey and people to tell and family and friends and bosses and AHHHHHH.
My thoughts are all very confusing and jumbled right now but I've told a few select people and they have been incredibly supportive. I spent the day as a female at Freshers Societies fair and I felt so good about myself. I met some LGBT guys and sat with them for a bit and it was nice.
I don't know where I'm going from here but I know that right now I feel more female than male. I want to buy clothes and have my hair done and wear makeup and be seen as a female...not as a male dressed as a female. I want to be the short petite girl I have in my head, not this hulking guy I am in real life.
But maybe I will get there one day. Tomorrow I make my first appointment with my GP to try and get referred to a specialist. Maybe really soon in my transition but I guess even talking will help me. So why not. I guess I don't know whats next but I know its really exciting.
Thank you for reading this. I hope it gave you some slight insight into my mind. Maybe completely pointless but maybe some of you can relate. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
