Has gaming helped you transition?

[BeefxCake]

I get this too. although most men in video games are badass to the point it's silly.

I would often play harvest moon when i was younger, even now. i always picked the male characters and felt so comfortable just being a dude, finding a wife farming a stuff. it was wonderful really.

then later when i got into assassins creed and various other rpgs i've get dysphoric actually i'd play and then feel an incredible amount of self loathing but at the same time i kept playing because i could somewhat be a man through games. i know it wasnt' me per say but i loved it and hated it...

then i got into mmos and i created boy characters for everyone i signed up for. i'd even hmm and ha between boy or girl for hours sometimes then finally just make a boy.

don't even get me started on orginal characters XD

[wkly1269]

I am a very big gamer and I always chose boy characters over girls unless I absolutely had to play a girl. I have pretty much known from a young age that I should have been male but I did not really accept myself or come out to anyone until a year ago. I still feel embarrassed at times and try to hide from people who I really am. But video games do provide that escape that I need when I start to feel crappy about myself.

[Alaia]

I don't know, gaming is what I turned to in order to cope. It definitely helped me through some tough times, but I often wonder how many years I would have gained had I just confronted my problems head on rather than trying to escape them and the life I hated so much.

[FTMDiaries]

Gaming has always offered me a wonderful escape route in which I could be male for a while. And not just male, but tall and strong as well - two things that I'm definitely not IRL.

I tend to identify quite strongly with my in-game characters, to the point where I cannot play any game that has a female lead, such as Tomb Raider. If there isn't a male character for me to play, I won't play the game at all - no matter how good it is. It feels totally wrong for me to be represented on-screen by a female character.

Oddly enough, this was one of the first trans-related things my kids noticed about me. I was playing Fable II and one of my daughters realised that I always select a male character in the game. She plays it too but always selects a female character to represent her, so she asked me why I always choose a male and I didn't quite know how to answer her because I was still closeted.

On that subject, there's a mission partway through Fable II in which you win a potion that can change your character's gender. I found that quite triggering, because when I was offered that potion I knew there was no way on Earth I'd want to change my character to female, after everything I've suffered IRL. But if somebody had offered me that potion IRL, I would've swigged it without a second thought so that I wouldn't have to undergo all the medical procedures.

[Jasriella]

Lol last night playing Grand Theft Auto online, "Dragon you drive like a woman hitting everything." Ahem excuse me? "Oh that's right, well....um...."

I have a CDL I just can't drive on GTAIV lol.

On that subject, there's a mission partway through Fable II in which you win a potion that can change your character's gender. I found that quite triggering, because when I was offered that potion I knew there was no way on Earth I'd want to change my character to female, after everything I've suffered IRL. But if somebody had offered me that potion IRL, I would've swigged it without a second thought so that I wouldn't have to undergo all the medical procedures.

Wouldn't we all? Besides that I'd be a normal woman and could have my own kids after changing.

[Shodan]

Most definitely. I currently am staff on a MUCK where one of my fellow staff is intersexed who was misassinged as male at birth. Since I've known her she has gotten corrective surgery with Brassard. I didn't know she was intersexed, or trans when I first met her, and I knew that she was saving up for surgery, but I never knew what for. (It wasn't that she was hiding it from me. All the other staff knew and she just assumed I knew as well.) When I learned about it, it was kind of a shock to me. It resonated something within me that I had been suppressing for years. She helped open the door on recognizing who I was.

[Lo]

Gaming wasn't a coping mechanism for me, nor did it help me transition, but it did provide more evidence for me later.

I remember falling in love with the character Sheik from Ocarina of Time because he was small, lean, and feminine... and then later turned out to be a crossdressing Zelda! I remember marveling at her sculpted torso wondering if I could ever have that.

Whenever I text-roleplayed in high school, I almost exclusively played male characters. I went about 5 years playing men; big, beefy hetero men that I was interested in getting with and that a small part of me was interested in being too. This was the years that in hindsight I considered my MtF/bigender phase. (It was funny that I got so far into typically bigender behavior, even having two different names for my two different personas, and had no idea there was a word for what I was doing.)

And then most any other game where I played a badass male character, I always wished I could be them and do what they were doing.

[JenSquid]

I've been gaming heavily for nearly my entire life, so... hmmm... Like many people here, I've used it as coping mechanism, though they've always been more to me than that. Which is to say that I would have sunk a lot of time into them even if I didn't have problems I wished to escape from, as my obsession with gaming predates much of my woes.

I know that when given the chance to choose one's gender, I've always had a tendency to pick female. This was especially the case in RPGs and the like, where I would try to immerse myself in the world and just be.

I think this is relevant
http://www.penny-arcade.com/report/article/video-games-showed-me-who-i-could-be-transgender-gamers-share-their-stories

That was a good article. Thank you for sharing that. I've had an experience similar to ones mentioned there. Years ago, I played Neverwinter Nights online on a persistent server. At the time I had not yet realized I was trans, nevertheless I had the persistent sinking feeling that I would have been better off as a girl, and my experiences there seemed to confirm it. In real life, I had long been anxious and socially awkward, particularly in strongly gendered situations. I always felt that people expected me to act in a manner that was unintuitive. I didn't know how to behave in masculine manner the way most of peers seemed to, yet was teased and tormented if I [unintentionally] behaved in a feminine manner. Online, people perceived me as a girl (this was before voice-chat) and I found that interacting went from being this awkward, unnatural thing to something surprisingly intuitive. I even found myself getting drawn into such things as chatting about dresses with the other girls (the host was adding new clothing mods), and flirting with the boys (which is way easier than whatever it is men are expected to do to woo women). It was a fascinating, eye-opening experience, and one I don't think I would have had had it been in a different context.

[Aina]

I've been gaming heavily for nearly my entire life, so... hmmm... Like many people here, I've used it as coping mechanism, though they've always been more to me than that. Which is to say that I would have sunk a lot of time into them even if I didn't have problems I wished to escape from, as my obsession with gaming predates much of my woes.

I know that when given the chance to choose one's gender, I've always had a tendency to pick female. This was especially the case in RPGs and the like, where I would try to immerse myself in the world and just be.

That was a good article. Thank you for sharing that. I've had an experience similar to ones mentioned there. Years ago, I played Neverwinter Nights online on a persistent server. At the time I had not yet realized I was trans, nevertheless I had the persistent sinking feeling that I would have been better off as a girl, and my experiences there seemed to confirm it. In real life, I had long been anxious and socially awkward, particularly in strongly gendered situations. I always felt that people expected me to act in a manner that was unintuitive. I didn't know how to behave in masculine manner the way most of peers seemed to, yet was teased and tormented if I [unintentionally] behaved in a feminine manner. Online, people perceived me as a girl (this was before voice-chat) and I found that interacting went from being this awkward, unnatural thing to something surprisingly intuitive. I even found myself getting drawn into such things as chatting about dresses with the other girls (the host was adding new clothing mods), and flirting with the boys (which is way easier than whatever it is men are expected to do to woo women). It was a fascinating, eye-opening experience, and one I don't think I would have had had it been in a different context.

Oh those were the days, before voice chat hehe... Over the years I actually resisted voice chat for a long time, now I grudgingly get on them when I am playing an mmo or game my RL friends don't play with me. I am hoping one day when my voice is good enough and I stop being so scared to do my voice in public I won't mind being in voice chats as much as I do.

[Horizon]

Gaming meant enough to finding myself that I'm majoring in Game Design for the same reason - to bring escapism and comfort to those who need it most.  While it isn't healthy to constantly seek some form of escapism, it's one of the most useful tools for anyone to explore their nature.  Nothing is more empowering than having the ability to leave Earth for a magical world, one where you can be anyone you want.

I've been playing as a girl ever since Pokemon Crystal, when the option was first offered to me.  At first, it was a curiosity.  I would tell my friends the standard "sexual" responses when they questioned me.  Over time, I gained a preference to the role.  I've played through almost every game since as a female (excluding those where I knew I would be interacting with close friends in multiplayer), and I'm not even going to acknowledge that there's a male protagonist in Pokemon X/Y - I'll be playing Y, so, uhhh, Y chromosome girls, unite!

Of course, I knew nothing of being trans as a kid...or until my late teenage years.  All I knew was that seeing that little sprite with a pixelated ponytail made me feel "different" in a way I'd eventually find I liked.

[Taka]

i think my way of choosing a game character is much less trans related than what the rest of you seem to experience. when i started thinking about it, i really did choose a female character for the healer simply because i'd rather be healed by a cute girl. and a male tank really does look a little more sturdy. not that i haven't done the opposite as well, just to oppose gender roles (and because a female tank would be awesome irl).

in text rp i choose male characters though. i wouldn't be able to play a girl convincingly, unless it was someone like joan of arc. maybe i should do that, thinking about it made it sound really fun.

[Alice Rogers]

On a slightly related note, if you want to find a social online spot where you can be female without anyone suspecting otherwise try Second Life, its free if you want it to be, you just need a reasonable PC/Mac to run it.

It has a steep learning curve but its worth it, think of it as MSN messenger but in 3D and you can make yourself on screen look ANY way you want!

Alex

[Lesley_Roberta]

Today's thought. Has gaming helped me transition?

Actually my transition has helped me to curb gaming a bit. I am discovering a new me, which is actually sort of an old me, as the me before gaming was more into a lot of other things that 'gaming' ie digital things mostly in this comment, made less prominent in my routine.

Yesterday I uninstalled a lot of computer wargames, and not because they were inherently bad games, but they are all tools towards being a loner.

Been having quite the losing battle discussion on one wargaming forum actually about some of this. Too many boys like their computer wargames, as it actually makes playing solo too damned easy actually. Not once when I bought a board game wargame, was I actually looking forward to NOT playing it against someone. I don't mind that board games have no AI opponent either. The things are friggin morons, so I fail to understand the preference for them. I dunno, maybe people like being around morons

I am striving towards more games that are less me and a machine, and more me and another human, or failing that, me and a game meant for another human. I think it is time I went back to board game wargames regardless of whether they are dust magnets or not. I have many that can sit on a 2x4 sheet of plywood, and it is perhaps time I made a custom slab that has some for of lid to close over it so it is cat proof

[Lesley_Roberta]

This exchange has made my day hehe.

This portion was a quoted portion of an earlier post of mine. It concerns games that disappoint us and I am mostly discussing the state of AI.

    None of that exists with games where it is just you and the machine. I actually feel pity if you have come to LIKE being just you and the machine and a dreadfully stupid opponent. You might not like my pity, but you are going to have to deal with it, as I am not planning to stop pitying you willing loners any time soon. I'd probably pity you even if the AIs were good. Actually, I likely would, as you would just be more convinced that a human wasn't as much fun.

    Humans are social creatures after all. I enjoy doing anything more so when I have company. It's more fun to shop with someone, it is more fun to bake with someone, it is more fun to watch a movie with someone. I even like reading a book knowing someone else is in the room.

end of quoted portion (it was a longer post, but that was the part they were interested in quoting).


The reply I was given as follows...
quote
I think you are overlooking the fact that men sometimes just want to get away from massive twats like you and would rather deal with a dumb AI then listen to your condescending bs. I pity your husband (rolling eyes smiley not copied). unquote.

Some male gamers, they sure have trouble coping with an aggressive and articulate woman commenting in their normally safe males only (for the most part) forum environment.

I suppose I'd be more acceptable by many of them, if I was dumb, yet no so dumb I wasn't useful in the kitchen, uninterested in their games, and willing to let them play their games alone and uninterrupted. It's the way I see them eh. Their routine behaviour is intrinsically male chauvinistic. They use avatars of 'hot babes' (not been able to understand why though), they like threads devoted to hot women in the military (clearly they are more interested in how you look in uniform and not why you are in uniform). And they sure don't want you questioning their manliness while playing their games.

But I have found the thread has been funny. Oh they sure put this woman in her place

[Lesley_Roberta]

Sigh, the day the gaming died....

I might have put this on another thread, but, I felt might as well just continue here to discuss gaming in general.

In around 2003, there was a messy incident for me. I was unfortunately stupidly acting in the form of a site wide moderator capacity on a large gaming forum of a commercial sort. IE it was not a private site like Susan's is.

Biiiiiig mistake, and I have never again been willing to say yes to moderating I will add.

It led me to grow a very large hate for a group of individuals. This sad event, it took till about 2007 before it was finally the last straw to a point.

I wish I had seen the writing on the wall sooner.

I wish I had known in 2000 why my life was so messed up too I suppose. I'd have realized then, why I know what I know today to be the case.

Being a woman, it means a lot of things, and while I regret lumping in any that are FTM, sorry guys, but, you ARE guys to you and thus you ARE guys to me, and I'm ok giving you credit whether you have the membership card and the goodies or not eh.

It is clear, and it is plain, that my REAL problem with wargaming (this is about wargaming, so if you are a World of Warcraft demon you might was well wander off, I'm not talking about you), is the MEN in it. And when I consider, how incredibly small is the number of females in wargaming, and if your husband is military, you don't count if you like playing his games, and if your husband is a wargamer, you lose some credit for liking his games, because frankly, it only really impresses me if you like wargames simply because you like wargames.

And no, if you are MTF like me, again, I am not inclined to think you get full credit I'm only impressed when cis females can go on and on about the virtues of say A3R vs WiF. And just so I weed out the fakers, I am not going to explain what A3R and WiF is

Today I have had it. Lost it. I'm disgusted. I have signed several NDAs regarding wargames in the works, and while I am not going to violate those (hey legal agreements are what they are) the point is, I am walking, I am dumping the games. Fix them on your own I am saying. I find myself unable to discuss them with present company.

If I had to describe in words, how I would sum up a wargamer, I am fairly positive I would be given a warning result
It wouldn't be very nice.

Hindsight, it is what it is eh. Yeah I can see why over the years I always rub them the wrong way.
These 'men' simply don't deal well, with a 'woman' having an opinion about THEIR hobby.
It's now obvious I suppose, more clearly so. I should shut up and get my ass in the kitchen where it belongs, and get out of their world (wargaming), and leave them alone. They go there to 'escape' me after all, and no they don't want me to play their games with them.

Part of me is pissed off, I suppose part of me is chuckling at the reaffirmation of it all. Shut up Lesley, you were called a douchebag and a massive twat by those swine, and they called ME rude?

I will never be able to again, think anything thrilling of a 'gaming room' or a 'den' as the terms are associated with men and their need to escape from ME. I am so glad my hobby room is the other half of my kitchen. I so don't want to have anything in common with those anti social dinosaurs.

I'm seriously wondering, of I should purge with extreme prejudice all forms of wargaming from my life, as if it was no better for me in the end, than a gambling addiction. I have several hobbies, none of them needing to have anything to do with old men either.

[Sophia Hawke]

Great thread.  I've been playing quake in one form or another since 96.  This for me is something I'll likely enjoy as long their are servers going.  That being said, I play as a female character and/ or use a female handle in all the games I play.  Lately in pretty much every game I play, I present as female, esp since I'm more or less coming out gradually.

Amongst my favorite games is mass effect, wow BC, fable 3 playing as the princess was awesome, and unreal Games( most of this which have a female protagonist.)

[Lesley_Roberta]

I don't have the eye sight needed to enjoy games with intense amounts of graphical activity unfortunately.

Much as I might like to just chuck wargames, and go play in more interactive games of the MMO sort, and be my real gender, it isn't a preference thing there. I just can't physically play them.

Yesterday was a very long day though. I sent an email to the person I think of as being the guy running the show so to speak (I am good friends with one of the owners of the publisher of the games I like). I bowed out of all my current betas. I am doing the walk away choice, and that means I will simply not be participating in the hobby in addition to discontinuing any conversations on their forums.

As far as I am concerned, those AI devoted ignoramuses in wargaming can play with themselves and do it without my caring

I spent the day getting all my wargames burned to disc (so many digital download purchases). They went into deep storage. Part of me wants to just delete them and discard them, and burn the bridges, not the installers eh. They weigh on my mind, not playing with them, always flustered that I have bought the things, and wondering, when am I going to get around to playing the things.

Hey, just because I was foolish enough to buy something, doesn't mean I am forced to play it...... right?

I spread myself too thin me thinks most days.

I'm also something of a data hoarder. God I hate that some days. Just because you can get something, does not mean you need that something.
Ya know, I have literally hundreds and hundreds of pdf files of military history subjects. From the dawn of humanity to yesterday's news. But, do I really need to know all there is to know about 15th century Swiss Pikemen? So in addition to the wargames, I am trying to fish or cut bait with a lot of other clutter in my world too.

I won't live to be 400, so it seems silly to fret over having enough stuff to last till I'm 500

[Yukari-sensei]

Gaming helped me get more comfortable with who I was and helped me cope when I was unable to face it.  Even my therapist agreed with me that it was a very important coping mechanism for me to face the reality of my situation.

Ironically it has also helped me transition among my friends as they noticed already that I had a strong preference for role-playing female characters in rpg's... though I did get a few "that's not fair! we thought you were a skilled roleplayer with how well you played female characters! you were just playing yourself all those years! "

[Lesley_Roberta]

"that's not fair! we thought you were a skilled roleplayer with how well you played female characters! you were just playing yourself all those years!"

That's so totally funny

I can relate, I have spent many years playing females, and through the years, likely didn't see it for what it was for me as well. I was actually just being myself, and when not playing a female, THAT was when I was playing a character that wasn't me