Quote from: Jillieann on November 29, 2005, 09:30:35 PM
At this point I'm not sure where I at.
I have been shuting out and holding back much of myself untill recently.
Anyway I'm am CD plus for sure.
You know Jillieann, I am not sure exactly where I am at either, but I have been doing a lot of reading on this site lately, and am feeling that I fall closest to CD. I have some aspects of TS, but many more of CD. One very interesting article (actually written in 1990) which I recommend reading if you want to help find out where you may fall on the transgender scale, and that really "hit home" for me, is found in the Reference Library under Miscellaneous, and then under "Observations of transgendered people"
The author (Lin Frasier, M.A./MFCC) asks,
Do you feel you have a choice? Is this a part of who you are, or is it not? Is it more a compulsive type of thing that seems to overwhelm you, or is it an expression of who you are? What is the function of it in your life? How did it start? How does it develop and change over time? Is it just sexualized, or is it a part of your gender identity?
A lot of people in the paraculture talk about CD's feeling like two different people. The guy is usually rational and concrete; you might say he's kind of boring. The female is spontaneous and blissful and in the moment.
Some bullet points the author makes of the male side of a CD (This refers to a MtoF CD):
He's the thinking type. Like an engineer or computer person who likes to manipulate his environment. (That's me)
He might have a little obsessive-compulsive behavior going on. (That's me too, especially if I am on a mission to get female items. It's like my female side takes over, and I will drive miles out of my way to get something, my heart pounding with excitement every mile of the way.)
He's introverted and quiet. (Sometimes me but not usually. I am a musician on the side, and give me a stage and an audience, and I'm ready to perform. No fear of getting up in front of a large crowd. They do say that many musicians are shy when it comes to one on one conversations, but open up in front of large groups because a large group is actually less personal than a small one.)
He's a professional and somewhat conservative. (Me)
He could be clinically prone to depression. He's independent; it's difficult for him to ask for help. And he's a heterosexual. (All me except not so much depression as severe mood swings)
Female Side:
A lot of bliss; it's a highly aroused state. The world is now in colors rather than black and white. Here's where the feeling is, and sensation. In the moment - there is no future and no past. It feels good; it's highly pleasurable. He can focus on the details of the moment.
(A very accurate description of my female side)
She has a desire, to connect with others, a desire for relationship out in the world. She wants to go out to connect. (What I have been feeling lately)
There is a feeling of safety, security, and tranquility, as well as excitement and risk and a sense of spontaneity. The sexuality is towards the female image of self. That's why mirrors are important. (Me to a "T". One thing that bothered my wife when she did dress me up with full makeup that one time was that I kept wanting to look in the mirror every two minutes to see how I looked, and kept holding my hands out to look at how nice my nails looked.)
Anyway, I continue to learn more everyday, talking to everyone here, and reading the information available in the reference library and in the Wiki. What a great site this is! Such a wealth of information and wonderful support from each other. Thanks everyone! I am still trying to sort out all the feelings, but I do know that I already know what life is like with my female side supressed, and it really takes a mental as well as physical toll on my being. I just want to start being more true to myself and let my feminine side surface, and see where it takes me. Who knows? I'll be sure to keep you all posted as the journey to self discovery develops.
All my love,
Lisabeth
