Quote from: Asche on October 03, 2013, 07:47:10 PM
What I have (partly) achieved in my 4 decades of adulthood is some degree of willingness to see who I am and to more or less accept it. I keep looking into the abyss of my soul, a little deeper each time, and haven't yet drowned myself in the Hudson (though I think about it every few days.) But this would hardly be comforting to my 20-year-old self. It's ignorance, not knowledge of the future that allows me to soldier on.
"Know thyself," the philosopher said. But I notice that by the end of it, he was more than willing to drink the hemlock. Maybe if I know myself well enough, I'll feel the same.
The philosopher in question was, er, "persuaded" (OK, sentenced) to drink that hemlock; it wasn't a depressive thing because he knew himself too well.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trial_of_Socrates I believe you have little to fear in that regard.
I'm familiar with that abyss. I found myself staring into it and teetering on the brink all too often, especially toward the end of my marriage. It took a lot of professional help to get me away from the edge of it... the abyss can be hypnotizing, tantalizing. The end it promises is all too permanent, and fixating on it can cause a person to lose herself.
I hope you have a therapist, and a good one, or that you find one. Before I could even face my gender issues I had to get to the place where I realized I was a real human, not a monster, and just as entitled to happiness as everyone else I knew.
*That*, I think, is what I would write to my younger self. Unfortunately I don't think my younger self was in the right state of mind to listen; she (thinking of herself as a must-be-he at the time) would intellectually agree, but dismiss it because there is a huge difference between knowing something and internalizing it.
Good luck in your journey, Asche... and may you find your way back from the edge. *hug* Feel free to PM or email me any time, if you like. I've been where you are, and I can loan you a map if you're ready to read it. It's my map, based on landmarks important to me, so it may be of little use, but I will do whatever I can to help. *hug*