Having To Stay Stuck As A Female For Now

[King Malachite]

Lately I have been really sad at the fact that I cannot transition currently.  I'm living at home with my mom and I'm still dependent on her and from the hints that I've dropped to her she won't support my decision to transition.  I'm in the part of the Bible Belt where there are hardly no resources to help transition and the people around me tend to be conservative or opposed to the whole idea so for now I still have to pretend to be a female.

When I see some of my fellow brothers and sisters transitioning and taking their hormones or going to therapy for the first time I am so happy for them.  I just long for that day when I can start therapy and get started on T and go through the name changes and to be called he or sir more often.  I want so badly to feel the excitement of getting my first binder and packer.  I feel kind of helpless/useless because I can't join in discussions about that because I have no experience with them or my personal effects from being on T.  I want to document my story on Youtube and help others and to see the personal changes I go through.  I want the top surgery and the hysto and bottom surgery and and to wear male attire etc..  I just want to live my life as a male.  I feel so trapped because I can't openly discuss these feelings with people in my life

I know that I will transition one day after graduating college but one day just isn't coming soon enough and I don't know when I'll be able to with the economy etc.  It's the only thing I can focus on.  It's a very lonely feeling.  It got so bad the other night that I shed a tear. 

I am Malachite and I am a male.  I just wish others could see that. 

[caseyyy]

I was thinking much what Beverley was. Unless being a 'tomboy' would be dangerous where you are, I know some places are dangerous in the US particularly for people who seem visisbly queer. That said, you pass pretty well in the photos I saw of you so you may be able to pull it off and be seen as male in some situations.

Btw, was never sure which thread to say it in, but I think Malachite is an awesome name. You listed the ones you like and it's by far the most badass, but you mentioned Maxfield and that would be good too.

[King Malachite]

I was in Tomboy mode more when I was younger with more male like clothes but I kind of gotten lazy with it.  I really need to start it up again when the funds provide.  Right now I'm getting by on gender-neutral clothes with my masculine personality still.  It may not be what I want exactly but it's better than nothing.  I can see where it can be dangerous for people in my area but right now I don't do much socialization.  I have been talking with a slightly deeper voice to people to make myself feel better.  I'm going to try and get my sister to do my hair in a way that presents me more masculine too but that's a stretch.  Hopefully I can get it done and start to feel a bit more better about myself.

and Casey thanks for the name compliment!  It really means a lot to me!    Malachite wasn't even my favorite general on Sailor .  It was Nepherite/Neflye but for some reason I've been drawn to Malachite lately.  I wanted my name to be Nepherite/Nefylte but for some reason it sounds odd to me when I say it as my name.  It just doesn't match.  Having my name changed to something anime is going to be badass indeed!    Malachite sounds like a top general which he is but it's still just awesome if I choose to get it changed to that.

[driven]

I don't know how far you are from Charleston or Columbia, but Planned Parenthood's website lists LGBT services at both of those locations. Might be worth a call to find out if they'll prescribe T because it's really cheap there if they do (and no waiting through months of therapy).

[King Malachite]

Unfortuantely I'm hours away from there.  I'm up in the Upstate.

[supremecatoverlord]

Unfortuantely I'm hours away from there.  I'm up in the Upstate.

Like a couple of hours  or more like five to six?
Because in reality, 2-3 hours isn't that bad if it could save you therapy expenses.

[King Malachite]

Like about 6-7 

[xsmittyx]

Upstate SC? Dude, there are lots of resources in Asheville. Check it out.

[Surrealism]

I can relate to you, I live in deep south Georgia too with a very closed-mindedly cruel family 

My dad talked to someone from Sweden the other day who has also lived in many countries and he said the US is overall about 20 years behind most of the rest of the civilized world in lots of things. I shudder to think of how much further behind the South is than the rest of the US if the country really is 20 years behind the world.