your opinions please?

[Lilly19]

sooo its been quite a while since i posted here, been out of internet access for a while but i find things changing quite fast lately.

the short version of me is... well iunno how to make it short to be honest. ive known i was different since i was ten or eleven-ish and hated myself quite intensely for it. which became a spiral of depression and anxeity with a bit of bi-polar thrown in there for good measure. and after several suicide attempts, meaning i cant remember wither its five or seven as ive had some major memory black outs due to me being emotionally numb from the ages of twelve to sixteen. with my last attempt being last January were i was literally saved by my dad minutes from dieing. the end result being me being recommended into a series of residential treatment facility, not psych wards by any means, more like assisted living homes.

in may i was staying at one and simultaneously going to a partial hospitalization program were i made a GIGANTIC step forward by telling a room full of people about the real me. and to my shock they accepted me 100% i know now and i suppose i did then that it was silly to think that all of them would think i was a freak or something but it was terrifying none the less.

any-who that facility was a more intensive program then the one im in now as it was only a three month gig so to say, this one im in now is much more long term, they've had people here up to two years.

the problem im having at the moment is this, recently ive been falling into a slight spiral again, ive found myself fed up and just plain tired of all the psyc groups and education in the day to day living here, and the past two weeks ive kinna been blowing everything off, sooo the "team" thats working with me had a meeting with me and figured a few things out. but from that i had a meeting with the head of the facility here, and as i told my therapist about the real me about two months before January, its in my file now. and she was breaching the subject with me, which was incredibly awkward for me as i for reasons i dont know how to explain have been trying not to focus on it lately. but what has me freaked the hell out and scared out of my wits is that we actually made quite a bit of headway talking about it, awkward or not i get the feeling the ball is finally gonna get rolling here, and ill start transitioning. and that scares me. i dont know if im ready, i feel like im a fake and shouldn't even be here in this forums since i dont know if imk ready. i mean i know its what i want, but i always thought id be in a much more stable situation before i started, ie own palce, good job ext. the fact that its happening so much sooner is one hell of a curveball for me, and it has me on edge. i guess im just asking what you gals think of this situation.

[vlmitchell]

Treatment of Gender Dysphoria has been proven to resolve a number of psychological situations. It really helped set some of my worst problems straight and opened up the path to resolving the ones that didn't have squat to do with my being female in the wrong body.

[Lilly19]

i understand that, ive known for a while now that this has been the root cause of many of my problems. my main beef right now is the fact that im so terrified of starting, i feel i shouldnt be. i want ot be happy and in a way i am, but im so terrified i wana hide in a corner ya know? even knowing i cant.

im just scared of the unkown but thats to be expected i suppose.. i just dont know what else to say other then im scared whitless

[Jessica Merriman]

Breathe baby, breathe! calm down, let your mind relax and then slowly think about all the pro's and con's. Make a list if you have to this way you cover everything that is bothering you and you don't forget anything. There is no pressure except what you place on yourself. There is not a do it today or it is gone choice. Make a decision, but when you are SURE you are making the right one. Take your time, no one is rushing you except for you. We will be here for you anytime at all, OK? Ask questions and gain knowledge for your decision. We are not going to leave you stranded, trust us. We are family now! Here's a BIG HUG!!! 

[Megumi]

i understand that, ive known for a while now that this has been the root cause of many of my problems. my main beef right now is the fact that im so terrified of starting, i feel i shouldnt be. i want ot be happy and in a way i am, but im so terrified i wana hide in a corner ya know? even knowing i cant.

im just scared of the unkown but thats to be expected i suppose.. i just dont know what else to say other then im scared whitless

I understand completely. I was in the same place you are where I wanted out but the fear kept me hidden. The fear we face to come out is a lot like when you first learn to swim. You look down at the water and see a bottomless sea. You can't jump in but then suddenly you get a push from behind and fall in. Kicking and screaming to keep your head above the water and just as you feel like your going to sink into that nothingness you get the support to help keep you afloat.

Just starting myself it took me months before I could schedule an appointment to see a therapist. I had suffered for my entire life and now its time to do something about it. Finding the courage was tough. I had to do a bunch of painful soul searching to get here. You can do it too. Just take that first small step into the unknown. It might be good or bad but at least you don't ever have to say you didn't try.

[vlmitchell]

im just scared of the unkown but thats to be expected i suppose.. i just dont know what else to say other then im scared whitless

You're very young so I'll give you the one bit of advice that I wish that I'd gotten at your age:

Stop trying to control every part of your destiny. This is how things are. Learning to be present in the moment (meditation... no, really, do it this time yesterday) and not paying attention to the future or the past can be a valuable tool in the arsenal of anyone who has to deal with something that has the ramifications that being TS does. Learning to feel yourself, where you are, what you're doing. I know it all sounds cliche but being a young person is so overwhelming, there's so much to worry about for your future or try to figure out as you're learning to be the person that you will become... you need skills to be able to step back from that and just *be*.

Eckhart Tolle, while a huckster in many ways, 'gets it'. Read 'The Power of Now' if you've got access. Or, at least, read until you get the point. Outside of that, breathe, realize that you can't control everything, and just make a leap of determination and faith to do *something*. Inaction makes us way crazier than action.

[Lilly19]

thank you all very much. your words have been very calming for me ^^ like i said i know this is what i want, i just didint imagine it happening so soon. but taking a step back, i think.. well im pretty sure its a good thing, cause i get the feeling if i didint get this push i might have waited to long ya know? its gonna be a looooooong way to the top of the mountain so to say, but im really really glad you guys are right here with me ^^ thank you.

[LizMarie]

I want you to remember that you control the pace of your transition. And if you choose to not transition, that's ok too. The critical thing is to find a way to live at peace and happily with yourself, in whatever way works.

For many of us that means transition. I wish I'd done this years ago myself but other people are different. There's a thread in this forums today about someone who just detransitioned, which is what worked for that person.

There is no one right answer. Just remember that. And remember that if you do choose to transition, you can go as fast or as slow as you want. You can transition all the way or live in a genderqueer way somewhere in between. The choice is yours to make both about what you do and how fast or slow you do it.

So if you are uncomfortable, consider slowing down until you get comfortable or figure out what was making you uncomfortable. There should never be pressure to "do this now" but instead the freedom to find yourself at whatever pace works for you.