Stress load

[Lesley_Roberta]

I can be in a typical day and all is fine, or looks like it, and something can happen, and it can even be a small thing, and poof my day crashes and burns (like it did tonight).

This is a daily thing it seems for me. I never see them coming. I can go several days and then without warning the system just collapses on me.

It's the stress load. It's the simple truth of my life there is no off switch for all the stress.

I was supposed to be having dinner at mom's. I get there, and I am sitting there, and my nerves just collapse. I am suddenly feverish, drenched in sweat, and in full stressed out mode. Unable to focus, unable to function, just a mess basically. The battery that is my life simply runs out.

I had to come home. I was certainly not cooking dinner.

I am tired of this, the never ending massive drain on my nerves. Never knowing when my day will just sudden crash on me.

I have no resort other than go home, and hide from my life. I bought some butter tarts, and I'm likely going to have an enhanced hot chocolate later. And probably get nothing much down for the rest of the day now.

I can look back at the 90s and the depression then seemed like a walk in the park.

[Jessica Merriman]

WOW! Just remember to take a breathe now and then, we kind of need it to stay alive. I know, I'm a retired medic. ALL of us have and still do feel that way at times. You have to find a distraction, a hobby or something to let your mind just be there, not really working, just there. I am 47 and really have just started transition, HRT 6/week 8days. I still have mini freak outs once in a while (right GinaTaylor)? It will pass. All of us pump things up till we almost explode then when it happens and is not really as bad as we thought, we feel a little dorky about it. Trust us old girls. What you feel is normal because of the unique pressures we all face, but you have to find a good way to deal with it. OK? Take care, were are only a keystroke away.

[Arch]

Is this trans-related? Have you spoken to a doctor?

I used to live right on the edge all the time. I never had any emotional reserves; it was all I could do to just get through the day. Any little thing could disturb my equilibrium and turn me into a mess. Sounds a lot like what you are going through.

I still have some of these issues, and I have instilled some helpful habits...well, I'm still working on them because they aren't completely automatic yet. I do self-checks, all through the day. To assess my emotional status, I ask myself, "How do you feel?" Another thing is awareness of how I'm spending my time: "What are you doing?" Finally, I've tried to cultivate a way to diminish any tension in my body; I automatically shrug the tension out of my neck, my shoulders, my back.

It has actually taken a long time to put these practices into place--and, as I said, they are not 100% yet. But if I'm starting to get stressed out and am not quite aware of it, the "How do you feel?" question is especially useful because it makes me aware and gives me the opportunity to stop a panic before it starts.

I like the way these practices are starting to become automatic when I feel bad or when I'm wasting time. When my computer crashed this weekend, I started to freak out because I haven't been backing it up (stupid, I know). I felt the panic rippling all through my body, and both questions just popped into my head. I was able to take control, leave a message for the computer guys to hear on Monday morning, and resolve to use my time productively instead of melting down.

I just wish I had had these strategies when I was younger.

[Lesley_Roberta]

I appreciate the kind words.

My burden is partly due to too many sources most of which can't be negotiated with.

For instance I am disabled, and as a result defacto retired (sounds better than disabled). But it tends to make all day a large expanse to fill (never hate that you have a job using up all your time is my advice).
The reason for the disability though (fybromyalgia) tends to be a source of depression in it's own way. Plus there is the physical aspect, it just leaves me with a lot of regular pain. Not a lot of pain in severity, just a regular never ending supply of it.

Small town and very few options to work with. Not what I would call a support hot spot like Toronto might be.
And lack of a means of travel tends to limit my range of destinations.

I actually have several hobbies. Alas, several of them are mixed blessings. I'm supposed to be a cabinetmaker. The disability though means I can't really do any wood working without causing myself pain in the process. Then there is my current troubles with wargaming. It seems wargaming is rife with miserable old men that likely provided the blueprint for misogyny. And as a result, one of my hobbies is often a source of irritation.

I tend to hide away in making my models and watching TV whilst I do.
It's been my only refuge. While at my hobby table I need not care what I am wearing, or what my appearance looks like as I am not out in public. Sadly, I am a very social sort of person, so eventually I get annoyed with not seeing people. Which tends to only frustrate me as being out among people makes me too aware of what I don't look like, and sends me back to my models.

I love anime, but, alas too much if it is too rife with themes that are double edged swords. It's me getting a girlie fix watching the shows I like, but, often I find myself hopelessly envious of the girls in the show. And so sometimes watching anime for an escape is the problem not the cure.

There just seems too few things to do, that don't touch nerves or push buttons. I am a VERY well educated scholar of science and history. Alas, too much knowledge of too many things often gets me too worked up and agitated. My intense misandry is the result of reading too much of too much human history. I am usually only safe when I go further back in time with my topic matter than human origins. I learned to read with paleontology. I normally only feel relaxed reading works like Dune or Shanara or Lord of the Rings. I basically just leave this world behind.

I am most vulnerable though when I have to be in this world. Tonight, I was just too worked up about the whole he him his deal. I lost my grasp on my calm. I had something of an attack. I went all feverish. I was actually soaked in sweat. It trashed my dinner plans and I just needed to escape back to my hideout in my hobby room. Just me and no one else.

I have had people try and prescribe medications for depression in the past. I am no fan of the phrase 'some side effects might be'. My life is already messed up enough, I am not looking for new ways to be messed up.
My preferred 'medication' is a long walk while listening to music, with a mid point rest stop at Tim Horton's and an extra large hot chocolate. Alas I am trying to cut some weight, and cut some cash flow in my routine. It sure would be nice, if my pension would subsidize Tim Horton's hot chocolate eh

[sandrauk]

Have you ever considered converting your hobby into work? Perhaps making jewellry, dolls house furniture or something. Maybe you could do some work labelling for a local shop.

[Lesley_Roberta]

I have toyed with the notion of making fancy picture frames and selling them for peanuts at the local farmers market on weekends or possibly making childrens toys of a sort in solid wood. Very space friendly, limited amount of wood needed more about skill than about physically demanding.

I say sell them for peanuts, because, really with my pension, I have no cash needs, I just need to feel like I am useful. It would be my way of saying 'thankyou' to my country for looking after me, by providing a product at a great price and thus letting others benefit too.

But the hell of fybromyalgia, is it impacts energy levels of drive.

Managed to get the damned documentation in the mail today. To give an example, most of the week long battle to get it done, was my disability, not my fretting over a TG issue. I have no problems with being afraid and or nervous or any of all that sort of thing that might plague others. I am way too much the extrovert. But it took all week to get up the energy to get it done.

Oh well, it is in the mail and it is on the way and soon I will be just another person on a waiting list, in a line of people looking to have some help resolve a need to correct an anatomical aggravation.

I am used to seeing time fly by though. If someone were to tell me 'enjoy the testicles while you can, because in 2 years it and they will be history' well I could wait those 2 years with no trouble. I'd be spending the time mastering a new wardrobe to celebrate my new me. It likely will take me quite some time to afford the clothes anyway. Money doesn't rain out of the sky eh even in Canada