My first session

[justjournalhonestly]

I do have some questions about how my first session went. Now I have been struggling with this my whole life off and on, mostly off due to programming but raging in the on position now. I am pretty certain that I am a female who had learned to deal with a male body due to some (and this actually is not sarcasm) great parenting. Yes my dad had a horrible temper, but my poor mom suffered that my brother and I were just simply terrified into compliance on some matters. All in all he was decent to me, did not know how to show love, but that became a running joke when my son and I kidded him about not being to show affection like we do with each other. So we double hugged him and it because a joke as he gets all screwed up when we do it. So on to my questions about my first session.

First, I lucked out, I was his last session of the evening and we ended up going LONG a little over a session and a half. I explained to him everything in my intro post here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,160238.0.html plus much more and in greater detail. I do talk fast, in the Marines everyone thought I was from New York or New Jersey (I am just from the MinniApple, not the big one, though I would love to visit sometime.)

By the end of the session he stated he would like me to attend a group that they had at the facility if I was comfortable with that. Since I had thought about joining one a month ago I told him if he thinks it is appropriate I would. He felt it was and then alluded to him thinking I am a woman, and it is probably a good idea to test some things out like trying on clothes to see how I react, as well as make up. Also both things I had considered doing a month ago. I asked him about starting electrolysis sooner than later too as I dislike shaving anyways, to which he even thought if I felt that way it was fine too. I then mentioned how I thought about doing all these things already last month after I had done a great deal of my self evaluation period the previous few months. He then said, I have nothing to fear, it will not make me worse, because I explained how I bought and read all four of Walt Heyer's books and read as much about de-transitioning and regret as I could. As I want to make sure I am just not obsessing, to which he said he feels I am "bargaining" and pointed out how I told him when I spoke to my dad my dad said I just need to "stop thinking about it." Which lead me to go home and destroy my initial blog/journal as I tried to forget for another 45 years but only made it to the next day. Tried to recover my blog and started a new one disappointed I had lost some really useful info from those first days of coming out to myself.

I guess I do see me as bargaining, and trying like hell to tell myself to be wary, that I may be just tricking myself into this. THEN, because I have not only scoured the internet for every bit of info I can, I have bought other books and read them all from cover to cover and one was a guide on transition that said if your therapist seems to support that you are transsexual after the first couple meetings it is simply too soon and you should consider getting another therapist.

Here is the thing, this is the second therapist, and I chose to go to the VA for this one thinking that I would be grilled hardest there. My first appointment with a therapist is at the local University and is scheduled over another month out yet. I figure they'd be the easiest on me too, so I am wondering do I need to add a third? This gentleman was very kind and seemed really understanding, but was he too easy on me? Did I just battle ram so much info and detail out that maybe he could think I was a woman already? I mean I look and sound like your worst nightmare of a unkempt junk yard worker.

I spoke to my daughter who said he did seem too easy, and she told me to wait till I have been in therapy at least six months before doing electrolysis, to which I agreed on. She thought I should keep up with him and wait to see what the U says when I meet them, but maybe I could go to a third non-gender therapist and get their take.

I am hoping to hear from some of you, and what your first experience was like and if you think I am just still so caught up in the bargaining stage that even while I say I know I have been a woman my whole life stuck in a male body that I just trying to hard to find someone to tell me I am wrong for whatever reason? Any insights from those of you who have maybe tried to talk yourself into finding someone to say no to you who was not mom or dad? I do think I am, but I really expected to have to prove myself to the professionals.

Thanks in advance!

[Jessica Merriman]

I had programming implanted as a young child (7) myself. I got hammered and abused with the Therapist of my generation. So I grew up guilty and thinking I was imbalanced myself. 40 years of severe Dysphoria finally made me see a Therapist. When I was officially diagnosed I told him "No way, not me". I then spent a lot of time just like you reading and studying the issue all the time trying to prove it just was not true. As a Paramedic I was trained to look for problems with the knowledge that everything has a cause and can be fixed. Guess what? I could not find one for myself and the Dysphoria. You know cause and effect stuff. Finally one day I just accepted the diagnosis and started the road to transition. I took a long time because the programming I had as a child would not let me. Now I am full time and have found a peace I never knew existed. You just have to get to the point of being sick and tired of non acceptance within yourself and stop worrying about the perceptions of others. It I is the most freeing and beautiful gift in the world when you finally accept and live for yourself. Give up trying to fight what you feel in your heart and live that day forward with no regret or guilt. Relax and do what you feel you need to do as it is YOUR life and no one else's. 

[LivingTheDream]

Well he's only recommending things you've already thought about doing yourself. You thought about meeting with a group, so why not, thought about dressing and using makeup, might as well, and hate to shave so wanted electrolysis, so go for it. Meeting others in the same situation could possibly help you out quite a bit and help you decide if you need to go forward or not. Dressing up and practicing makeup, you can do that in your own home, in private, might as well see if you like it, learn how to do it, and practice in case you do transition. Electrolysis or laser will just get rid of facial hair, if you already hate it, why not get rid of it, not a big deal. I thought about doing it too recently, even if I don't transition, cuz I hate facial hair and shaving too.

Now if he would've said, ok your 100% trans, heres a prescription, on the first meeting, I'd say prolly would need to see someone else lol, but he didn't. A therapist isn't gonna tell you to trans or not, it's up to you to decide to do that, if he agrees after awhile he will prolly write you one to help you along but not right off the bat. He's there to try to help you figure out what to do and how to do it.

As for me, I'm still trying to figure out wth I'm doing lol. Sort of started my journey awhile ago without even realizing it at the time. Been seeing someone for about 2 months now, still confused. It takes time to figure these things out, it's a very big decision.

[justjournalhonestly]

As I have mentioned a few places already, this community really is the bee's knees, and I thank you both very much for pointing out these points. Jessica, my ex-wife who is a good friend (we've stayed friends since we divorced 21 years, think I mistakenly said 15 in my intro) told me I am struggling because of my programming too. She thinks things are rather obvious and is thankful I realized it before I just rotted away unhappy, and hopes I stop thinking I am going to find someone who is going to tell me I am not right. It is the programming though, and I know I have to set it down. I have so long to go, as I still need to improve my health, which I have been amazing successful at since admitting to myself I am female. However, like you say LTD, there is plenty to learn as I improve. I don't know squat about makeup really, so there is a huge learning curve alone let alone dress, mannerisms, and God forbid I try to talk feminine!

You are both right, I am just programmed to have this dream crushed, I am just programmed to act like a dude, and these programs are running out of steam and this is the final sub routines trying to keep them from deletion. I mean I have come out to myself and already have felt the weight lifted, and here I am trying to find something to refute it??? That's the only crazy part about all this, trying to prove the obvious is not obvious.

I thank you all, and yes your replies helped me with this last silly hurdle.

I am sure I will encounter other doubts and struggles along the way, but it is apparent that this is a great place to air them out.

I appreciate it all very much!
Sincerely,
Toni