Boyfriends/men that are uncomfortable/ashamed to be seen with you

[Sibila]

Hi Everyone.

There is something that has been bugging me for quite some time.
Example. I have a long term "relationship" yet I have never met anyone from his life...No family and/or friends.
I also know he is afraid to find out what they think of me.
I am very understanding but still it makes me feel alone and not like I am in a relationship with him.
But I also know from experience that most men are this way.
Everytime I meet a new guy... online etc... even when they have not even seen me... they tell me beforehand
that for example they dont want their friends to know.
It makes me feel bad about being trans, it makes me feel ugly and unattractive... (I need a bf to feel proud
he has me... just like I am proud of my bf). It totally crashed my libido and makes me insecure and
I have a chronic feeling of love sickness because of it. It makes me think that I just dont want to
do relationships anymore... and it even makes me lose my interest in men in general... even though
I really dont like woman in a romantic way...

Just wanted to get this of my chest

[Evolving Beauty]

I have been with guys for up to 2 years and same thing. He told me he is afraid to be fired from house if his parents know he's with a transsexual.

Being transsexual is a social stigma so it's normal they would act that way and they think it's an embarassment specially if their friends are homophobics/transphobics. He's afraid they would make fun of him.

You might be unpassable but unpassable isnt equivalent of being ugly. I know many who are very beautiful like top models and face passable but not passable by voice so you shouldn't assume you're ugly, maybe just not quite passable and you should work on that thing which makes you not pass.

Or if not from the beginning of a relationship, be clear that you want a guy not ashamed of being with you.

[Sibila]

Well I do pass....but not as in "stealth".
I am not really ugly...guys on the streets some times flirt with me...the problem is i do feel ugly and am insecure.
Also...i do not want to think of myself as unworthy if i am not exactly like woman.
I cant live like that.
It would be bad for my self esteem also.
I am a ->-bleeped-<-.
And that is ok.

I dont want to spend my life thinking I am not good enough as I am and that I should pass and should be perfect and stealth.

Also I dont know how to improve my looks any further...not having the financial means to do so.

Maybe I should just give up on relationships and falling in love because of this stigma.

When you love someone...this stuff hurts.

I starting to have doubts...does he really love me ? And i also dont feel like i respect myself enough to allow myself to be in a relationship like that...but I love him very much....so i tend to look past that...but it isnt really doing me good.

[big kim]

I've had plenty boyfriends like this,don't want their famiyl and mates to know.I got fed up of it and gave up dating.

[Lesley_Roberta]

Hmmm sounds like a young person thread here.

I can only say, based on my observations of years watching my brother and sister do the boyfriend and or girlfriend thing over their teens and then 20 and 30s and 40s (my sister is still not married while brother has been for 28 years).

People will find fault or they won't and what dangles between your legs, or in the case of those without something , will not always be the issue eh.

You might be Chinese and boy that can cause troubles, or you might be black and the fact is that is not something you can write off even today in parts of the world. You might be simply the 'wrong' socio economic level for some people.

So to you I say this, keep on looking, and when you get a bite, it's either total acceptance, or they get thrown back in the pond immediately. Stop being second class to your potential mates. If your boyfriend is ashamed of you for any reason under the sun, he's not good enough for you.

It's that simple. Because the whole point of dating, is to find 'the one you want forever' otherwise, it's just casual sex. If you are not looking for Mr right, then stop looking and getting treated poorly.

[pebbles]

yep I had this... In my case he did introduce me to his mum but I was explicitly told not to tell her about my past and pretend to be a natal woman. :/

[kelly_aus]

I wouldn't date someone that was ashamed to be seen with me..

[Jessica Merriman]

Come on girls...Up the self esteem. You DO NOT need to be with a male to be someone special. If you get the mindset that you are special and up the esteem it will show as confidence when you are out and about. That in return will net a better catch. Set rules for yourselves and live by them. If a male is ashamed enough not to tell someone about the special girl he is with, send him packing. If a male wants sex only and no relationship, show him the door. Girls, up your game! Being transsexual is not spelled "d-o-o-r-m-a-t". Have some pride in yourselves. We are transsexual not second class. I wish I could sell the self esteem I have after 47 years on this earth. I can't of course, but I can tell you that it is attainable. Believe in yourselves ladies. We are the most special people on Earth. We have lived as both genders and learned the ins and outs of both genders. Use that knowledge. For example, we know when people are lying or have ulterior motives. Don't stand for it. Transexual is also not spelled "w-e-a-k-". You are all beautiful, smart and capable, so go get them. I love you all, so love yourselves.

[Jessica Merriman]

I'm sorry, me again. The part about giving up?? What's that all about girls?? We would not have this great internet where we support each other if someone had given up!! I think I need to start seminars to boost the confidence around here. Do you give up at work, NO. Do you give up your dreams, NO. Do you give up the daily grin, NO. Did you give up on your transitions, NO. So what's this give up on dating?? Are you serious?? So, let me get this right...You made the steps for transition, HRT, some did SRS, spent a lot of money, exposed your true selves to people you love, risked it all, you made it and now you don't want to date?? Why bake bread if you don't eat it. Why transition if you don't want to celebrate it. AM I GETTING THROUGH?? Sorry for the rant, but after 28 years as a paramedic/firefighter I learned not to give up on ANYTHING and can't stand to hear my sisters talking defeatist stuff. STOP worrying what everyone else says. I personally have more baggage than United Airlines and should be the most depressed person on this forum, but guess what, I let it go and you can to. I believe in each and every one of you, love each of you and want you to succeed in this world. So, DEEP BREATH and repeat after me: I am a beautiful woman. I can attain any goal I seek. I am not second class. I deserve happiness. I will not be disrespected. I will show love and strength. I will find true happiness. Now, go get what you want and deserve!!!!!!!

[Paige0000]

Well I can certainly say if I had a boyfriend who was ashamed to be seen with me I'd kick him to the curb. I mean if your ashamed of the fact that I wasn't born a natal female well news flash it's really not like I had I say in what my sex was at birth! If only I did sigh..  I'd want a boyfriend that is proud of me and respects me, one who sees that I'm 100 percent female regardless of dna, biological sex etc and is not afraid to speak up in my defense if anyone sees otherwise.

[Jessica Merriman]

Paige0000 you are my new hero!! Well said!! Please help me get that point into some of these girls.

[Carlita]

I'm sorry, me again. The part about giving up?? What's that all about girls?? We would not have this great internet where we support each other if someone had given up!! I think I need to start seminars to boost the confidence around here. Do you give up at work, NO. Do you give up your dreams, NO. Do you give up the daily grin, NO. Did you give up on your transitions, NO. So what's this give up on dating?? Are you serious?? So, let me get this right...You made the steps for transition, HRT, some did SRS, spent a lot of money, exposed your true selves to people you love, risked it all, you made it and now you don't want to date?? Why bake bread if you don't eat it. Why transition if you don't want to celebrate it. AM I GETTING THROUGH?? Sorry for the rant, but after 28 years as a paramedic/firefighter I learned not to give up on ANYTHING and can't stand to hear my sisters talking defeatist stuff. STOP worrying what everyone else says. I personally have more baggage than United Airlines and should be the most depressed person on this forum, but guess what, I let it go and you can to. I believe in each and every one of you, love each of you and want you to succeed in this world. So, DEEP BREATH and repeat after me: I am a beautiful woman. I can attain any goal I seek. I am not second class. I deserve happiness. I will not be disrespected. I will show love and strength. I will find true happiness. Now, go get what you want and deserve!!!!!!!

You ... Go ... Girl!!!

[Marina mtf]

 

hey girls, I am 40 and believe me I plan to transition also because I think I deserve a real love story.

It's pointless (for me) to modify my body for myself only. My Disphoria is also related to the relationship field,
I want a man to fall in love with me but a hetero man, not a gay man (I have not against gay, but they
would love my male part, which I hate).

But...

... but I understand the problem here. In the initial part of transition, if I am not passable I may tolerate
some kind of discretion. But later not.

I am your gf, period. So I want to be treated like all the other gfs you had, cis or not.

[suzifrommd]

This happened to me years ago when I was living as a cis male. It's not just a trans thing. Her parents disapproved of her dating me, so she told them we broke up and didn't talk to them about me. We ended up breaking up, in part because she wouldn't stand up to them and say she would date me anyway regardless of their disapproval.

You can keep seeing this person as long as you are enjoying it, but I wouldn't expect any long term commitment.

[Sibila]

Hi Marina!!!

You get the point exactly. When you start dating, you wont go asking him immediately to meet his parents or friends.
The only thing you can check is what he is like in public with you. And in my case, he was great, hugs and kisses on
the streets when other people were around... it was all fine. But it was still anonymous. They weren't people that
know him. And those are the people I have not met in 4 years. Not that it is that important to me... but like suzifrommd
said: the problem is that you might want to commit, but you can't. You start to distrust the relationship. Not the
fact that he is sweet and swept me off my feet. He treats me very well, its just that I can't seem to trust in the
relationship and that makes me down and lovesick. Because I want to make plans with him and would love to spend
the rest of my life with him. But things will have to change... (not just this).
Its complicated.
Its also not so simple... the next man, the same problem (and perhaps more).
It may sound silly and you would think that transpeople are difficult because of all the things they go though...
but boyfriends can be extremely difficult. I also have the feeling that most men that are into TS expect a female
that tops. Its very discouraging always having to explain that you feel like a woman and are not a man sexualy.
Its just a complicated way of being.

Also when I am out and proud on the streets... and someone flirts with me? What to do? I usually thank the
person politely and tell them that I have a bf. But what if I returned the favour? And then they dont know
and find out I am TS? What kind of trouble to expect???

Dating is not so easy.

[Sibila]

Also what I really dislike sometimes is the passable thingy !

Like when you dont pass, you lose your rights to a good life. Like when you dont pass, you are not supposed to expect
anything from anyone...
When you dont pass as a woman enough, you are not good enough....

I know we all might want to pass... but it should not be confused with selfworth.
Even if you dont pass... you can still be beautifull friendly and sweet.

And still be a great woman. Even though I am always insecure about my looks... I need to be proud of me...
no matter what... no matter how I look... I am still the same person!!

[KabitTarah]

If he'll never be able to get over his social anxiety or other personal hang-ups about being seen with you or associated with trans people, get rid of him.

On the other hand... I wouldn't push away someone that likes you if he just needs more time. Share your concerns and find out where he stands. You can be flexible and have a backbone!

[Sibila]

On the other hand... I wouldn't push away someone that likes you if he just needs more time. Share your concerns and find out where he stands. You can be flexible and have a backbone!

yeah I asked him. But he answers that it would be a dissapointment that he'd rather avoid, that nothing good would come of it. Anyway. I now have the time to cool down. To not cling to much to a relationship with him and regain my independance.
I will find out one day what the future brings... so I better not worry to much about it at this moment and pick up my life... !

[Cindy]

I'll wade in (for a change )

Men are just as insecure as you/we are, they need to know the boundaries to treat us in. We need to know their insecurities and help them. If they are losers it may not be possible and we ditch them. Or them us BTW.

A relationship doesn't just happen, we work at them.

Recently, my BF asked me to dinner with his Mum. I was nervous, I asked him if she knew about me, he said yes. That made me even more nervous. We hit it off fantastically. She never mentioned me being trans, she seemed oblivious of the fact. She was delightful.

Afterwards I asked him why he had told her that I was a transgender; as I was ready to inflict physical damage to part of his anatomy that he seems to like a lot. He replied innocently that he hadn't, he said that he had told her that he really liked me.

Men are strange creatures.

So are women.

[Danielle Emmalee]

I'll wade in (for a change )

Men are just as insecure as you/we are, they need to know the boundaries to treat us in. We need to know their insecurities and help them. If they are losers it may not be possible and we ditch them. Or them us BTW.

A relationship doesn't just happen, we work at them.

Recently, my BF asked me to dinner with his Mum. I was nervous, I asked him if she knew about me, he said yes. That made me even more nervous. We hit it off fantastically. She never mentioned me being trans, she seemed oblivious of the fact. She was delightful.

Afterwards I asked him why he had told her that I was a transgender; as I was ready to inflict physical damage to part of his anatomy that he seems to like a lot. He replied innocently that he hadn't, he said that he had told her that he really liked me.

Men are strange creatures.

So are women.

Sounds like you found yourself a keeper.