Hi,
just to put myself into context (first sorry for my english I hope it's understandable)
Already at primary school, I was asking myself why I am alive and this kind of question. In one side I knew I was a boy basically, but if 150 persons outside said I was a girl, it's maybe true, because they are so numerous and it's so obvious for us that I should be wrong, not them.
When I was about 11, girls began to look at boys, boys began to look at girls, and I didn't know about homosexuality. Me, I found girls attractive. So I formulate to myself something like : "It's clear, if I like girls, it's the proof I'm a boy !". It was the first time I really say it to me. But with my rational mind, I said again that according to all other people who know me, I'm a girl so I'm a girl. (And in the same time, homosexuality doesn't exist, I'm a girl so I can't like girl... I stupid haha)
Next step, puberty comes, and I realise that I always thought that I will grow up like a boy. With puberty, I couldn't thought about it anymore. Little by little my future had gone away and since that, I hadn't life desire anymore.
Some years later, I'm 22. During all this time, I accept little by little the fact that I'm attracted by girls. I am on a lgbt forum, and I always had interest in the transgender part. More and more, I realise that I was me. I consider hormons and mastectomy, and at 22 years old, I could see a future for me again.
I'm now 23, and I'm still at the same point and I'm lost. I have difficulties to go out, but I have to because I am at university, so I go out with knot in my stomach. Sometimes, I'm ok, but I realise it's because I know that later, I will be on T and I will be considered as a man. So other times, I realise this, and I realise that if I continue to do nothing, I will have nothing of that and it makes me feel so bad. Now I have my man name, I sometimes go in a trans association, I know what I want, but the point is I feel completely incapable of telling my mum I'm transgender. And I can do nothing if I don't tell her, because we are kinda close. (We never talk about feelings, but we are in good terms.)
I don't know why I'm posting that, I don't know what I'm looking for, I don't have any question I'm just lost. I feel like in class, when you don't understand something but you have 0 question, you are just lost in all the information and you don't know where begin, to what you can cling to come out of it.
