When I was a child...

[K8]

When I was a child, I was very timid and quiet and shy.  Now I'm not.  I sometimes wonder if that was just my nature then, or was it because I was a little girl who had to live as a boy?

How were you when you were a child?  Are you different now?

- Kate

[Devlyn]

I'm the same child I've always been! 

You set 'em up and I'll knock 'em down! Hugs, Devlyn

[suzifrommd]

I've matured amazingly. I am not recognizable either as the man or the woman I grew into. I was a shy, socially clueless kid who did what he was told. I've grown into a headstrong, savvy, self-assured adult. I've gone from hiding from my problems and putting off things that bothered me to being very proactive and facing life head on.

However I still have the quick temper and creative streak that I had back then. I still focus in on things and tune out the rest of the world.

I went from not noticing females to the point that they were not part of my world (up to age 13), to becoming intensely attracted to them (as a teen) to wanting to be one (most of my adult life) to actually living as one (starting this summer).

[big kim]

I was quiet and timid up to 13 then I turned into a monster. I had no self esteem and zero confidence a foul mouthed argumentative brat who regularly got into fights.I've a lot more confidence now and more self esteem,I've even managed to cut down the swearing!

[Edge]

When I was a child, I was very timid and quiet and shy.  Now I'm not.  I sometimes wonder if that was just my nature then, or was it because I was a little girl who had to live as a boy?

It's likely connected to confidence, so maybe.

How were you when you were a child?  Are you different now?

I was weird then and I'm weird now. I really liked myself then and I really like myself now. There was a period in between when lost sight of who I am, but the real me is pretty much the same.

[LordKAT]

I didn't talk hardly until I was in my mid 20's.

[Lexi Belle]

When I was a child, (in all fairness I still AM a child) I was very outgoing and happy up until about 9 or 10 when I got slowly ejected from my big group of female friends.  From there I had 1 to 3 friends for the rest of my school days, during ages 14-18 I was completely and totaly self kept, not shy, but I didn't want to talk to very many people.  Late senior year I started to open up some more (also when I started researching TS conditions devoutly) and now that I am on hormones, I've become the same type of person I was when I was a little kid.

[JLT1]

I developed very slowly, both intellectually and physically; puberty (such as it was) was in the late teens and I really didn't stop growing until 23 or so.  I  hated being alive, I hated being alone and there really wasn't anyone there.  Over the years, I've had few close friends and a number of busted relationships.

Now.....I am accepted.  I am me and I'm alive!  I have a lot of living to do and not really much time to do it.  But live it I will, as me, as Jennifer.

[Carrie Liz]

Actually, in my case, I was a complete social butterfly as a kid. I knew everyone, had a ton of friends, and was always bugging my mom to let me invite more kids to my birthday parties. As the years went on, and my dysphoria really started, I got quieter and quieter with every single year, until by college I was a complete social shut-in who never talked to anyone and never really left the house except for work/school. It was like I just lost the ability to relate to people, and I didn't know why. And now, in the midst of transition, it's almost like I'm rediscovering that old self that I lost. I'm talking to people again, and actually enjoy going out and doing things and being social again.

[Renee]

I was a relatively quiet kid, mostly kept to myself.

And I'm probably more of a kid now considering that this morning at work I was jumping up and down on a big thing of bubble wrap I put on the floor after my boss unpacked something. 

[King Malachite]

As a child, I was timid, quiet, shy, bitter, negative, mean, and a person who hated their life and had no self-confidence.

As an adult, I am a timid, quiet, shy, bitter, negative and mean person with no self-confidence that hates my life.  I'll probably die that way, but you know what?  That's alright in my book.

[Joe.]

I was a lucky child. I was very happy and outgoing and I remember my childhood being a very happy time. I always had a lot of friends and my life was very very happy. However, I remember this all changed when I got to year 5 or 6 (ages 9-10). I'd been bullied all my life but it wasn't until year 5 or 6 that I became very aware of it and very self conscious of myself. After that my life wasn't the happy childhood it had always been. I felt a huge pressure to fit in with something that just wasn't me. I rebelled quite a lot against this and became myself, wearing boys clothes and doing what made me feel comfortable. Having said this, there were times where I couldn't cope with all the pressure and caved in. I remember smearing make up over my face in a bid to become a 'pretty girl' like everybody wanted. I remember crying and punching myself because I hated it so much. As I got older things only got worse as the bullying continued. I can't count the times I was called a 'he-she'. I hate that word so much. When puberty kicked in I only became more depressed alongside everything else that was going on. I became a very angry child.

So to answer your question, when I was a child I was very happy and outgoing and I value my childhood deeply. I can't fault it one bit. Once I got to the age of 9 or 10, I was still outgoing but my happiness deteriorated and I became very self aware and very angry and upset a lot of the time. It is also when I first started realising in my own mind who I was and I became very self conscious.

Am I different now? Yeah, but I'm worse. I'm now very depressed and anxious all the time. I'm angry too. That being said, I'm a good person, with good morals and I respect people and treat people how I want to be treated. Just because I'm unhappy, it doesn't mean I should change how I treat people. I know I'm a good person, and I would do anything to go out of my way and help someone, just as I always would, even as a child.

[Eva Marie]

As a child I was a bright, happy-go-lucky kid....... until I started 1st grade. I was a girl in a guys body and I looked quite femme. I was physically smaller than the other boys and I acted girly too.

Yep, I had a HUGE target on me that said "abuse me" and the other kids couldn't resist. I quickly got the girly behavior beaten out of me and I found myself in a situation that I had no escape from. In desperation I constructed my false male persona then in order to have a defense shield that I could keep propped in front of me at all times. He eventually became who I thought I was.

I hated school and I became a surly teenager that acted out, drank, and narrowly avoided several serious scrapes with the law. By my high school years I frankly didn't care whether or not I passed and thank heavens it all finally came to an end. Or so i thought. I had another 20+ years to go.

My inner girl has now emerged and I'm dealing with my past so my future is getting brighter. There is reason to live.

[Rachel]

I spoke very little from age 6 on. I developed shuddering and had a difficult time saying anything. I became very shy and introverted. 

[Ms.Behavin]

I was so incredibly shy growing up, specially after about 12.  I hardly ever spoke, never had friends.  Never let anyone get close.  Some teachers thought I was a bit slow.  Always picked last in gym. After high school/collage, I did interact with people more (read some). Enough to work anyway.  Never had many friends.  Hum... Actually I did not have any friends, till I transitioned at 50.

Now I am seen as very outgoing and will talk to anyone.  Even learned to dance.  Though I still don't let many get close and spend quite a bit of time alone.  Sometimes weeks at a time. I might be in the running for the crazy cat lady of the year award.  So still a serious introvert, but with extroverted tendencies in public.

So weird then, Still weird now. 

[Sephirah]

How were you when you were a child?

Living in my own mind, scared of saying anything for fear of making others feel bad, damaged a lot by other people, forcibly isolated, lonely, hurting...

Are you different now?

Not really, I just hide it better. Although there are some special people in my life now I am very thankful for. One in particular, if she's reading this... I love you. With all my heart.

[Lo]

I was shy and quiet, and then puberty rolled around and I turned into a rebellious goth kid that got into fights and converted to Wicca. I've gotten over my social anxiety and now I'm much calmer and have gained quite a bit of charisma since starting college.

[Northern Jane]

Oh my! I was painfully shy and quiet as a child, very contemplative and thoughtful. I played with other girls but was always a follower, happy to have someone else lead the way. I was secure in my identity (as a girl) and had preferred to just go with the flow.

When puberty hit it I became a bit more outgoing and social. I was attracted to boys but puberty was split 50/50 and that was confusing to me and everybody else! I had to learn to be more assertive and stubborn to try  to find the help I needed and that quest pretty much took over my life for 10 years.

The big change came with SRS/transition, when I was free to develop without fences or constraints. Within a year or so I had become VERY outgoing, social, funny, and vivacious. I looked back on my middle years and could not believe how much I had changed, almost the polar opposite of what I had been.

[Sammy]

I was very open, friendly and sociable kid until I started to go to school. Before that I was able to attend various courses like singing, dancing, drawing etc - I did not like all of them but I was able to socialise with a lots of girls of my age. I remember seeing photos from those days - I was only seen with girls on them. I liked to play in the courtyard with boys too (there were mostly boys anyway), but I hated when things turned violent.
In school, other problems started, because I could not fit into male part of the class and was immediately pushed outside. I  developed hyperactivity and probably other smaller disorders, and turned into some kind of small monster – I was quite likeable, but I just could not remain in the same place for longer than a minute. I was always running, plotting and scheaming. I was very curious and mischievous, but never with an ill-intent and I preferred to learn things on first-hand experience (yes, a lot of bruises, scratches etc and other un-girly behaviour). I finally closed into my shell at around 16 when my pre-puberty dreams evaporated like a mist and I deliberately started to carve out of myself everything which in my opinion was not masculine enough – and I succeeded with that when I hit 22-23 years mark. As of that time, I was an emotionaly dead person  (I had the motto - "Don't tell, don't show, don't cry." and "You hit my once - I hit You twice" . I am glad this is over now .

[genderhell]

I find it interesting to realize now ...

1. I *knew* I was a girl at a young age, and sporadically, less-and-less frequently thereafter.

2. Somehow my personality was suppressed, and a new pseudo-personality was formed. Why did this happen? Male hormones can shutdown part of the brain? Was I trying to protect my personality? Conformity? Did I let this happen? So many questions.

3. The pseudo-personality experienced "gender dysphoria" of the true personality leaking out, or trying to break free (shaving legs, putting on my mom's clothes, secret wishing to be female, etc)

4. The pseudo-personality thinks, "I am deviant. I need to hide this behavior".

5. Pseudo-personality erects barriers and entire thought processes in the brain to justify itself. It will literally die before it will release the true personality. It is so hard to break through.   Pseudo has me lieing to myself, engaging in self-destructive behavior, striving to be a man and thinking about suicide, though, I cannot understand why I want to kill myself. I joined the Army because of pseudo. I would of never joined the Army.

6. Oh, how did I develop a fake, detrimental personality and not see it. I am now prisoner in my own mind.

7. Get help or die. I got help, but those that stay in their prison won't make it.