Dysphoria? I dont even..

[LittleEmily24]

I feel so torn today. I have my appointment with the therapist tomorrow.. but now i cant stop thinking about how the therapist im going to doesnt specialize in trans issues.. but she does work with them... i feel like that makes it not legitimate... maybe im overthinking...

to add to that i cant help but feel pessimistic.. I've been midiagnosed 3 times... incorrectly dosed twice... threatened to be baker acted for no reason once... I've never had a positive psychology experience... maybe because i was dealing with dysphoria but every therapist i went to was a basic personal wellness psychologist and not one that dealt with these sorts of issues... and i cant shake the feeling that tomorrow is gonna be like that as well..

Im having days where I go up and down on feeling positive and negative... Yesterday i felt so sure of myself, today I feel like my life is pointless.. I feel like I usually do when im down.. like my happiness doesn't matter... like im crazy... I feel like every word that comes out of my mouth is a lie no matter how true it is and all i want is to be truthful... I feel like I can't trust my own thoughts and like I will never have any sort of future...

Everything in my day today feels redundant.. my most common questions today are:

-whats the point?
-who do you think you are?
-what makes you so sure about how you feel?

I feel like i need validation to what I feel... and i think thats coming from not trusting a word i say... and then i just begin to spiral down.. the "ill never be happy" thoughts start flooding in.. the "im nothing but a burden" thoughts come in..

I feel like such a fraud and i dont know why... even though I am 99.99% sure about this, my minds inability to trust itself has me feeling like a fraud no matter how i slice it... I want so bad to be a girl.. so bad that i envy at the appearance of other women.. i envy my own wife for looking how I want to look.. yet still i feel like my fabricated male mind-set is FIGHTING those thoughts... calling me a liar and fraud.. and it makes me hate myself, makes me feel like im betraying everyone around me, my male friends who i pretend to be male around, and everyone on here as well.. How can I be so challenged about something I FEEL IS SO STRONGLY TRUE.. do I not accept what I am?

To make matters worse, i have this unrelenting fear that im gonna be told by what my mind perceives as a "professional": "You aren't trans-anything, you're just confused and depressed"...

Im so excruciatingly scared, confused, unhappy.. but i ask once again, why do I deny myself what I know and feel and cry about to be true... What i've been fighting for years.. why do I feel like everything I think or say is a lie... i feel like im drowning.

Sorry if i sound crazy in this post.. i dont hear voices or anything, just saying. I'm praying to a god I dont believe in, that someone on here has felt this way before...

[suzifrommd]

To make matters worse, i have this unrelenting fear that im gonna be told by what my mind perceives as a "professional": "You aren't trans-anything, you're just confused and depressed"...

If someone tells you any variation on this, they are not professional. No one can tell you whether you are trans or not. There is no definitive test.

I'd run from any one who:
* Seems more interested in protecting you from yourself than helping you know which direction you need to go.
* Claims to know your own gender better than you do.
* Withholds referral for hrt or other physical treatment when you think you are ready for it.

IMO (though I'm not a professional and I don't know you), any male bodied person who can say "I want so bad to be a girl" can safely start with the premise that they are transgender and work from there.

[LittleEmily24]

If someone tells you any variation on this, they are not professional. No one can tell you whether you are trans or not. There is no definitive test.

I'd run from any one who:
* Seems more interested in protecting you from yourself than helping you know which direction you need to go.
* Claims to know your own gender better than you do.
* Withholds referral for hrt or other physical treatment when you think you are ready for it.

IMO (though I'm not a professional and I don't know you), any male bodied person who can say "I want so bad to be a girl" can safely start with the premise that they are transgender and work from there.

Thanks for this.. Its calming me to know that at least I'm not kidding myself.. that the mere desire has to mean something.. i guess since im already quite out-of-the-ordinary, every time i come to new realizations i think to myself "why is there always MORE?"

You'd be surprised how many unprofessional psyhologists ive run into... especially down here in Miami... one would think it would be easy to find a psychologist for ANYTHING in such a diverse city... I've been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, dosed for both (which did nothing because i wasnt ADHD or ADD) told that i have a learning disability (which I didnt have), told that I was being a spoiled brat (which is clearly not the case >_<) told that i was being abused by someone, or that bedwetting was damaging my ability to think properly... none of it was ever true and never made sense... and then one time i said that I felt lonely and like no one understood me, how i felt like i was living in a cage that is my life and most of the time all i wanna do is sleep... and they literally threatened (with police) to Baker Act me!!! They deemed me Suicidal and a threat to myself... i was telling them that no one understood me and they wanted to lock me away against my will!!... Suffice it to say that therapy has traumatized me further than what my depression and anxiety and dysphoria has already done to my frail sensibilities..

Yet somehow i still find the drive to keep trying..

[genderhell]

to add to that i cant help but feel pessimistic..

Be ready to be told, "people are born male or female". I have heard it from doctors. At that point you have to decide to challenge the doctor, walk out, or just nod and ask for help with your mental problem. Nevertheless, I found it psychologically disturbing to be told that when I was so fragile.

[Lexi Belle]

If someone tells you any variation on this, they are not professional. No one can tell you whether you are trans or not. There is no definitive test.

I'd run from any one who:
* Seems more interested in protecting you from yourself than helping you know which direction you need to go.
* Claims to know your own gender better than you do.
* Withholds referral for hrt or other physical treatment when you think you are ready for it.

IMO (though I'm not a professional and I don't know you), any male bodied person who can say "I want so bad to be a girl" can safely start with the premise that they are transgender and work from there.

Eh, I think there can be times where this isn't entirely true, but as  a general rule I suppose it can be an okay assessment.

Thanks for this.. Its calming me to know that at least I'm not kidding myself.. that the mere desire has to mean something.. i guess since im already quite out-of-the-ordinary, every time i come to new realizations i think to myself "why is there always MORE?"

You'd be surprised how many unprofessional psyhologists ive run into... especially down here in Miami... one would think it would be easy to find a psychologist for ANYTHING in such a diverse city... I've been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, dosed for both (which did nothing because i wasnt ADHD or ADD) told that i have a learning disability (which I didnt have), told that I was being a spoiled brat (which is clearly not the case >_<) told that i was being abused by someone, or that bedwetting was damaging my ability to think properly... none of it was ever true and never made sense... and then one time i said that I felt lonely and like no one understood me, how i felt like i was living in a cage that is my life and most of the time all i wanna do is sleep... and they literally threatened (with police) to Baker Act me!!! They deemed me Suicidal and a threat to myself... i was telling them that no one understood me and they wanted to lock me away against my will!!... Suffice it to say that therapy has traumatized me further than what my depression and anxiety and dysphoria has already done to my frail sensibilities..

Yet somehow i still find the drive to keep trying..

It's not uncommon to find "unprofessional" psychologists as trans conditions still aren't very broadly accepted, it's getting there.
What you need to do is locate an LGBT center and get referred to a gender specialist in your area, even if you have to drive hours it is FAR more valuable than taking chances on a bunch of general wellness therapists.

Be ready to be told, "people are born male or female". I have heard it from doctors. At that point you have to decide to challenge the doctor, walk out, or just nod and ask for help with your mental problem. Nevertheless, I found it psychologically disturbing to be told that when I was so fragile.

Obviously, they haven't been in touch with recent neurological studies which have gained a lot of knowledge on different mental gender balances that can and have occurred frequently amongst transsexual people.

[Ltl89]

Not all therapists are trained to deal with trans issues.  Before talking with any therapist, learn about how many trans patients they have had in the past and look up their general experience.  While they don't have to be a gender therapist, they should be somewhat educated on trans issues before giving you any form of counselling.  Sorry you are going through a rough patch.  I've been there and still exist there to a degree.  Hopefully, you will come out of this stronger with more faith in yourself.  Good luck!

[LittleEmily24]

Oh i have no problem opening up lol.. i mean the initial ice-breaking is a bit tough but once its broken, it can't be fixed lol... I'm actually quite proud of myself despite not being necessarily "happy" with myself.

As for looking for an LGBT center, there are a few near me that i plan on going to. Theres also a website that shows me therapists that specialize in transgender/transsexual issues as well as gender identity and other things... can't seem to get a hold of them though >_<... called 2 of them and got the answering machine, so i guess i have to play the waiting game on them to return my call.. I just hope i don't have another closed-minded run in.


My last therapist was incredibly off-putting: get ready for this one:

I forgot exactly what we were talking about, but we got to the topic of my little brother (who is stubborn and a serious attention seeker) and about how he came out as Bi and felt tormented while the whole time he was surrounded by support and love and was the center of attention... meanwhile i was attempting suicide weekly and everyone told me I was being "dramatic"... anyway, i digress, so as I mentioned my brother being a stubborn ass of a person and coming out as bi, she scoffs and says "oh god, there are too many gay people in the world today".. but almost like she was disgusted... it was REALLY offputting... not to mention that she advocated looking for "hookers" for some absurd reason... as I was explaining my "little" side to her, I was explaining how emotionally i felt crippled and alone in the world... and her first suggestion was hookers.... not ONCE did i mention "sexually deprived"... and she goes straight to hookers... and she began telling me how she recommends that to her other male clients both married and unmarried... and I was just taken back by shock 0_0

Idk if maybe i'm over-reacting lol but i ran fast and hard out of there >_<

[Lexi Belle]

Oh i have no problem opening up lol.. i mean the initial ice-breaking is a bit tough but once its broken, it can't be fixed lol... I'm actually quite proud of myself despite not being necessarily "happy" with myself.

As for looking for an LGBT center, there are a few near me that i plan on going to. Theres also a website that shows me therapists that specialize in transgender/transsexual issues as well as gender identity and other things... can't seem to get a hold of them though >_<... called 2 of them and got the answering machine, so i guess i have to play the waiting game on them to return my call.. I just hope i don't have another closed-minded run in.


My last therapist was incredibly off-putting: get ready for this one:

I forgot exactly what we were talking about, but we got to the topic of my little brother (who is stubborn and a serious attention seeker) and about how he came out as Bi and felt tormented while the whole time he was surrounded by support and love and was the center of attention... meanwhile i was attempting suicide weekly and everyone told me I was being "dramatic"... anyway, i digress, so as I mentioned my brother being a stubborn ass of a person and coming out as bi, she scoffs and says "oh god, there are too many gay people in the world today".. but almost like she was disgusted... it was REALLY offputting... not to mention that she advocated looking for "hookers" for some absurd reason... as I was explaining my "little" side to her, I was explaining how emotionally i felt crippled and alone in the world... and her first suggestion was hookers.... not ONCE did i mention "sexually deprived"... and she goes straight to hookers... and she began telling me how she recommends that to her other male clients both married and unmarried... and I was just taken back by shock 0_0

Idk if maybe i'm over-reacting lol but i ran fast and hard out of there >_<

She's a fool.

[suzifrommd]

You'd be surprised how many unprofessional psyhologists ive run into...

No, not surprised. I've had some doozies:

1. Psychiatrist who told me I "hadn't thought through my 'decision' to transition".
2. Woman who claimed to be a gender therapist but did not no the terms cisgendered or, autogynephelia. She kept telling me about "a gentlemen who liked to go out from time-to-time wearing women's clothes" and asked if that would be right for me. I'm pretty sure that's the only transgender patient she ever had.
3. WPATH certified guy who should have known better, tried to talk me out of getting hormones, saying he was worried I'd be "disappointed".

I say this to make the point that if a therapist seems off-the-wall, they probably are and it's time to move on.

[Eva Marie]

not to mention that she advocated looking for "hookers" for some absurd reason... as I was explaining my "little" side to her, I was explaining how emotionally i felt crippled and alone in the world... and her first suggestion was hookers.... not ONCE did i mention "sexually deprived"... and she goes straight to hookers... and she began telling me how she recommends that to her other male clients both married and unmarried... and I was just taken back by shock 0_0

Idk if maybe i'm over-reacting lol but i ran fast and hard out of there >_<

Nope, you are not over reacting - that is an incredibly unprofessional thing to recommend. And she recommends it to her other clients? Unbelievable.

I am starting to realize exactly how lucky I am to have my therapist after reading the horror stories here about people's experiences with therapists. She had me on the right path within 6 sessions without any of this kind of malarkey.

[Amy The Bookworm]

I am starting to realize exactly how lucky I am to have my therapist after reading the horror stories here about people's experiences with therapists. She had me on the right path within 6 sessions without any of this kind of malarkey.

Same. My therapist at K-state has been absolutely nothing but helpful. When I read about how down right hard of a time other people have of finding a therapist I'm a bit shocked and worried about my move to another city this summer, because I'm getting the impression that good, knowledgeable, respectful therapists for trans issues are hard to find.

[LittleEmily24]

Luckily, I managed to find a specialist near me, well not necessarily near me, its more like an hour away. But the person i found specializes specifically in these kinds of issues and even has a monthly group meeting where people can come as they are without feeling nervous or awkward. So if anything goes wrong today, at least I found a back-up lol.

[Robin Mack]

I asked around and hunted around for a gender-issues specialized therapist here, worried that in Oklahoma they would be few and far between.  They are.  But I got in to see mine.  We talked, she asked me about why I thought I was transgendered (she apparently took notes when booking the appointment, nice touch) and I told her.

By the end of the session, she gave me the information for the three places I could go for hormone therapy, told me that I'd be getting my letter in three months barring any big surprises, and told me she only needed to see me once every three weeks to a month, unless I felt I needed more.  She ended the meeting by telling me she thought I would have a very successful transition.

I'm sharing this to contrast with the horror stories and to underscore why it can be worth the wait to talk to someone who really knows her/his stuff when it comes to trans issues.  It can be a pain, it can take time to get in, but the ones who know what is up are worth their weight in gold.  I strongly recommend you get in touch with a local trans support group and ask for therapist recommendations in your area.  The trans people in your community have likely done the weeding-through-the-bad-therapists bit for you so you can save a lot of time and frustration.

*hug*  Good luck and much love to you!