Pretty sure I am MTF... maybe...

[matthewzguitarz]

I probably seem like a troll, because last post I was convinced I am androgyne, but now I thought about it a lot, and even told a friend I don't really consider my friend. I actually didn't mean to send the email, but I did and he pretty much said that he accepts me if I am trans or not, and also is proud of me for being able to tell anyone(also he is like the second person to agree with my views on Christianity).

Anyways, that made me feel really happy about myself, and then I decided just to think back and see if I really am trans, or this is just a long phase. I can remember I think the first time I felt like I was the wrong gender, was when I was on my first baseball team(I sucked by the way), I am guessing I was around 5-7. I actually had dreams around that time of waking up as a girl, or magically turning into a girl, and being afraid in the beginning but happy later.

Then the feelings died down until I turned 12(I remember it was before I moved into my own room), when I actually kind of randomly got feelings of being a girl, but I felt ashamed and couldn't look at people until the last year or two. I have avoided my family as much as possible for the last year, even though I am fine around other people. Anyways, I kind of tried hurting down there when I was about 12, because I was disgusted with my parts.

I thought I was gay last year, then the beginning of this year found out what transgender is, and am pretty much convinced that is what I am.

I actually love it when people tell me I act like a girl, which to me it looks like most guys hate that. I have times where I really cry myself to sleep still(but I did learn to cry at will sort of, which helps when I want to make music more emotional), but I am usually happy around my family and friends, until I get into my room alone. I love hanging out around girls for whatever reason, it is just like, I feel like I don't have to worry that I am not acting manly enough to impress people, or that I act totally different than guys.

I would love to talk to a therapist, but I am worried about my parents and stuff since I still am in high school, and I can't just tell them I want to talk to a therapist because of gender issues, that would freak them out. I guess I am stuck waiting until I go to college. But after a lot of thought, if I did transition, I would not mind adoption, even though I want to have my own kids and all that, I think it would be better to give someone a better life than they would have if someone didn't adopt them.

Though I have people telling me I should never transition because it is unnatural and that I should just use what I feel to be a good husband or whatever. I am just confused I guess...

Anyways, I have to get to bed, one of my cousins is getting married tomorrow, so I need to get some sleep, and hope that I don't act too weird. I just forgot what my question was by the way so yeah... going to end here, kind of. Will be back later on my smartphone tomorrow probably to add stuff, since it is like a long drive.

[Lauren5]

You are what you are, Just reach deep down inside, and you'll find it.
Talk with a therapist to see if it's right. The community here is excellent, but we're no medical experts.
Just be you

[sam79]

I would love to talk to a therapist, but I am worried about my parents and stuff since I still am in high school, and I can't just tell them I want to talk to a therapist because of gender issues, that would freak them out. I guess I am stuck waiting until I go to college. But after a lot of thought, if I did transition, I would not mind adoption, even though I want to have my own kids and all that, I think it would be better to give someone a better life than they would have if someone didn't adopt them.

Talking to a skilled therapist is potentially going to help you more than anything else will.

While I understand the fear of talking to your parents about such things, you may find the reaction very different to what you expect. When I came out to mine, I was so nervous with butterflies that I was almost sick. And I expected outright rejection, but that didn't happen. Instead I was given love and support although it took a couple of months to really sink in for everyone. And our relationship now is better than ever before...

Please don't let the fear hold you back from talking about this.

[Robyn]

Is there a school nurse you could talk with who might know of some counseling possibilities?

Robyn

[Lauren5]

Is there a school nurse you could talk with who might know of some counseling possibilities?
Robyn

Many schools have a social worker as well, and even if they are as useless as the one at my school was, they can at least get you pointed in the right direction to find someone to properly help.

[matthewzguitarz]

For the school nurse, no, I am homeschooled.

[Ltl89]

You are a person, not a troll.  We can all turn into one of those ugly monsters at times (myself included) but we are all people here.  So don't worry about having confusion. 

I really think a therapist would be a good thing for you.  I understand your parents aren't going to give approval for anything gender related, but maybe a general therapist could help.  At the very least, you will get your thoughts out there and start coming to understand who you are.  Would they be okay with that?

I'm going to look up a bit about youth counselling today.  If I find anything that is helpful or enlightening, I will share it here. 

Hang in there.  You're too young to worry about your future.  It will work out in time. 

[LizMarie]

People who tell you not to transition because it's "unnatural" are ignoring tons of information about biology. They are also displaying either homophobia or transphobia.

In the biology department here are some fun questions for you to consider.

Did you know that biologists abandoned the Y chromosome as the "male" marker clear back in the early 1970s?

Did you know that the International Olympic Committee abandoned the Y chromosome as the "male" marker in the early 1990s?

Did you know that 1 in 30,000 females at birth is actually XY? (Androgen insensitivity syndrome - look it up.)

Did you know that at conception every fetus is female and only because of the proper application of hormones (not the chromosomes) does a fetus develop male characteristics?

Are Klinefelter's (XXY) babies male or female? Scientists used to think they were all male but recently began discovering female Klinefelter's cases. Since they never looked for them before, they have no idea how frequently they occur (yet).

Biology is wonderfully complex and it represents a continuum of instances, not a black and white simplicity of just male or female.

You are a human being and you deserve the opportunity to discover who you are, and how you wish to live your life. Because, after all, it is your life, not someone else's, so you should live it as you see fit.

[matthewzguitarz]

I kind of already knew about some of the stuff listed in the above post, which is one reason I am more comfortable about this.

Well, was somewhat happy today because I got to see like most of my family at the wedding, I think there were only like 2 cousins I actually know missing(my dad's side of the family is huge). Anyways, was kind of interesting when a thought popped into my head, just to see what the cousins I am closest to thought about me, and I kind of confirmed what I suspected. Ends up one cousin thought I am gay, and the other thought I am bisexual, the third didn't really answer except asked how I don't know what sexuality I consider myself(I usually call myself straight or asexual).

So I decided to kind of hint at the transgender thing, and they sounded accepting of it(the cousin who thinks I am gay wasn't there, but my brother was, which is kind of scary).

But toward the end of the reception thing, I did get a little upset again but ended up still having fun with my cousins and got enough courage to hug my aunts for the first time, and one of my great uncles.

That was a weird post... hmm.. I feel a lot happier though knowing that the people I thought would hate me for being trans, actually did the complete opposite. Though, just going to wait on telling my parents, since that seems impossible right now. I will think about asking for a general therapist though, since I do have other issues, like I discovered I have anxiety involving bathrooms(I actually have lots of nightmares about there being no bathrooms when I need to go).