Being called 'That one'

[Joe.]

I'm full time and things are going well with pronouns and my new name etc. At least I thought they were. People make mistakes sometimes and that's ok, I can cope with that. Lately though my mum has just stopped calling me by any name and has started calling me 'that one'. Me and my dad will be together and she'll say something and my dad will ask if she's talking to him and she says "No, I'm talking to...that one over there". She is avoiding calling me by any name or pronoun. I understand it's hard for her but I'd rather her mess up and accidently call me my birth name or she than calling me 'it' or 'that one there'. It's really hurting me but I don't know how to bring it up without hurting her.

[Devlyn]

It is rude, but probably part of denial.  Might be good practice for a lifetime of being a bigger person to let her work through it. Wouldn't hurt to tell your Dad how you feel about it. Hugs, Devlyn

[Ltl89]

I'm really sorry.  My mom told me that she will never call me by the correct pronouns and it kills me.  So, at the very least, you are not alone.  I'm sorry things are rough and hope they do improve.  No child deserves to be called that one by their parent.   No matter what she calls you, just remember that you are Joey and all male.  You have all of our support. 

[Lauren5]

Another reason I don't want my family to be involved in my transition, I feel like the exact same thing would happen.
Wonder if that's common or not.
Perhaps bring it up with a sibling (if you have one) that's on good terms with you, and see if they can help talk to your mother.

[Adam (birkin)]

I get that too and I HATE it. I also hate when people call me "they", when I've explicitly, clearly, and 100% stated that I am male. He.

But, I think it's good news! That your mum is avoiding female things. The neutral words can often be kinda dehumanizing, but it's better than her flat out refusing to acknowledge it...perhaps later she will try using "joey" and "he" instead.

[Joe.]

Thanks everyone. I think speaking to my dad will be the best way to go about it. The thing that hurts the most is that she was calling me 'he' and my male name for a few weeks and it was going really well and suddenly she's stopped and gone to avoiding it altogether. I don't understand what's changed 

[Northern Jane]

Well if she has stopped using the wrong pronoun and name, you are half way there! 

My (adopted) mother opposed everything about transition/SRS right from the very start and even after I moved away from home, she sent letters to me using my old name ....... until I started returning them marked "No one here by that name". Then she started referring to me my the name of the city I was living in (which unfortunately wasn't a city with a woman's name). She never relented and went to her grave like that. (But I got the last word. In her obituary I am listed by my PROPER name! Yea, I know, I can be a bitch sometimes LOL!)

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

Well if she has stopped using the wrong pronoun and name, you are half way there! 

That's what I thought. If she is trying to transition to using proper words in her mind and is having trouble, she might be stopping at what she thinks is an intermediate stage. It's not calling you by the name you chose and the correct pronouns, but equally she is not calling you by the name that you don't want to be called by and incorrect pronouns. It could be that. The fact you are talking and not saying worse things means its probably going to be OK, I would say and at some point her thinking needs to swap over. This could be a sign that, this in on the way.

Good luck :-)
x

[Taka]

i'd lash out at her. the least she could do is call you her child. "that one" doesn't even give you recognition as a family member, and it is beyond rude to do that to one's own child.

if she has already called you joey in the past, and only now started estranging you completely, you need to answer to that in some way. or maybe, not answer at all. you exist, and you are her child. don't let her call you anything that makes you less than that. you have a name, or actually, you have several names. tell her to call you by name if she ever wants to talk to you. and remind her that your name has changed, if she uses the wrong name.

just try not to be rude when dealing with her. calm and matter-of-factly is the way to go in cases like this.
and don't worry about hurting her or anything. she is the only one who is hurting herself when she does this to you.

[Sammy]

How about responding with "Hey, You there"?
Sorry, but I am a bit in snarky/bitchy mood now

[Devlyn]

Thanks everyone. I think speaking to my dad will be the best way to go about it. The thing that hurts the most is that she was calling me 'he' and my male name for a few weeks and it was going really well and suddenly she's stopped and gone to avoiding it altogether. I don't understand what's changed 

What's changed is that she's going through a "twelve step" type of process.  People don't go through all the steps in the same order, and sometimes they go back and forth. I think you're both making progress. Hugs, Devlyn

[Rachel]

I am not at your point of development (so I may be wrong) but Perhaps, you may say:

Mom, I love you, please refer to me as Joey.
Mom, I love you, I am Joey.
I am Joey.

There may be pushback so be prepared.

Another tact is to have your Dad intercede on your behalf.

Constancy, love and respect given will result in a better response; not to say no matter how you address the issue the expression of who you are may evoke pent up feeling from your Mom. Something is going on and it sounds like she is conflicted.

Perhaps addressing why she had gone backwards is the most empowering tact. You will find out but it may be tough to hear and difficult to address compassionately, respectfully and productively. Practice the conversation.

just my 2 cents.

[Taka]

practice the conversation?

there is no practice that can ever prepare me for a conversation with my mother. she nearly always manages to exceed my worst expectations. if the talk is needed, it is better to just do it, without expecting anything, but being prepared for anything. you might meet straight out rejection, maybe not intentional from her side, but a rejection is a rejection whether it originates from hate, stupidity, or ignorance. and that will hurt if it happens.

of course, there is also a chance that your mom is slightly more reflected than my own, and a little more open minded as well. if that's the case, it might actually go well. just don't expect it. people betray your expectations so easily, and that hurts more than if you never expected anything to begin with.

if you love your mother, it will be necessary to sort out this problem, it's the only way you can have an honest and sincere relationship with her. she is unable or unwilling to see or relate to you right now. if that goes on too long, the invisibility will have a negative effect on you, and she will also be unable to see you as you are, and how much you love her.

i hope your situation will be resolved in a good way. not being able to have a sensible conversation with your mom about anything that matters, kind of hurts. a lot. i don't want it to get that bad for you.