status update - for whoever cares

[Pia Bianca]

Okay... I know, maybe nobody cares since I'm just one girl out there... but I feel like getting some steps done. I didn't succeed in finding a therapist unfortunately. Since my first try which resulted in rejection (the therapist had a full calendar), I did not have the guts to call another one. Still on my to do list for when I will find those guts...

But I succeeded in removing some of my hair. I started to shave my torso (breast and stomach) as well as my private parts. I also decided which hair I want to be removed permanently and which one not. I will stick to my pubic hair... no, I will shave it but I don't want it to be removed permanently. Girls have pubic hair and I'm a girl.

I was on holidays for some weeks now. Some of you might have recognized that. I started plucking my body hair. Oh, it hurts... a lot. But my breast is hair-free now. Sometimes single hair regrows, but most of it is gone for good. I will repeat until I get electrolysis. Unfortunately laser is not an option as I'm kinda blonde.

Some of the hair is dark. And some of the hair as a dark "inside part". Does this give me better chance with laser? I don't think so, but I got some hope when I recognized this.

I also got the impression that my breats are growing. I don't take any hormones yet, since I did not have the guts for the therapist... I told you already. But still... they seem to be a bit more than before. Illusion? Or could it be real? I did not gain weight, in fact I lost some.

When my body hair is under control, I might start plucking my beard. I'm still undecided because it hurts, I tried once. But on the other hand I'm very happy with the results on my body. It might be worth the pain.

[Jessica Merriman]

One thing you will learn quick baby girl is here at Susan's everyone cares. They have helped me out countless times. I have developed friendships here I will carry forever, I even have a BFF now. If you have questions they can be answered. If you had a bad day,  vent and tell us about it. If you have a great day, share the news. There is so much to do here I find myself logged on pretty much day and night. It is such a special place unlike anything I have ever seen. Just jump right in and get busy and you will quickly see most of our stories, worries and successes are the same. The only rules really are to respect each other and be honest with us and each other. You will see people here open up pretty quick if it helps someone.
Now, as far as a therapist I found mine at the University here and they only charge $10-$20 a session. They also have a medical facility and services cost up to 3/4 less than a traditional doctor office or hospital and you still get great service. Check with your local college and see if they offer this where you are. It is working for me. You will also find all the steps you need to take here on this site for transition or whatever you want to pursue all the way to post SRS care. A big warm welcome. PM me if you need anything at all or more information. Take care.

[Murbella]

I think hair hides body shape so it's possible that removing the hair just helped highlight some curve that was there.  Also, if you have been working out, muscle development can look like boobs.

As for a therapist, just keep looking around.  It's kinda like dating as you will be committing to spending some time with the person and you should find someone who both has time for you and you can communicate with effectively.  For me, I found this website to be useful as you can filter by experience with gender issues.  Also find your local LGBT organization online and ask if they have any recommendations.  You don't have to go in, calling them will work.  I'm currently working up the courage to go in for a meeting this tuesday...
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php

Hair sucks, I have thick dark body hair and it's rather filled in so plucking would take me hours...  Congratulations on getting it under control

[Pia Bianca]

A big warm welcome. PM me if you need anything at all or more information. Take care.

Thanks a lot for your kind words!

To be honest, as much as I dislike Germany for being such a... ah whatever. But the healthcare is great. If I do it right, I won't have to pay anything for the therapist as it is included in my healthcare. In fact the problem isn't finding a therapist, it is having the guts to call. I got like 2 or 3 phone numbers to call, even after one of the therapists is away from my list.

I just wish I started this many years ago. I could have realised this at a very young age, but denied it. I could have started transitioning early. But I was told: "In 10 years you'll be wishing you started 10 years ago. You can't change the past, but you can start now and get the results in 10 years." And that's true - but it doesn't make the steps easier.

I also have a girlfriend who wants to marry. She is very supportive and I really love her. I don't think she will stay once I started transitioning, so there's another reason I want to be absolutely sure before starting. (As if the absence of a way back wasn't enough.) But still there won't be any marriage after I transitioned (but at least some similar thing) and absolutely no kids but adoption.

I know that I'm transsexual. But I also want to ask a therapist before I start anything. (Additionally it is required in Germany to do so.)

Still... I do small steps forward and since there is only a certain amount of steps to go, I'll eventually reach my goal.

[Pia Bianca]

Hi Pia, nice to see you again.

Again, nice to see you back.  Don't be a stranger!

You made me cry. I appreciate that, since I banned all crying when I was in denial. Now it's very hard for me not to suppress it. I hope, E will make it a bit easier. I still have to learn.

Also, if you have been working out, muscle development can look like boobs.

Yeah, I did work out. I still hope it's not muscles mut real breasts. Hope dies last, right?

Also find your local LGBT organization online and ask if they have any recommendations.

That's where I got my numbers. Additionally the first therapist, which refused to take me, sent me some numbers.

Hair sucks, I have thick dark body hair and it's rather filled in so plucking would take me hours...  Congratulations on getting it under control

I wouldn't call it "under control", but I feel more feminine. At least one part of my body reflects my feelings. It's the small things that make us happy, right?

[Robin Mack]

I did the whole marrying a tolerant and supportive woman thing.  A couple of years after we married, suddenly she was a lot less tolerant.  I dressed one time, she said she couldn't stand it, it was like having another woman in the house.  Taking my wedding vows seriously, I did what I could to change *me* to make the marriage work... 14 years later we were divorced.  I ran out of things I could change and was an empty husk of a male mask.  It wasn't even over trans issues that we divorced (I wasn't even out to myself yet).  It's just that I was dead inside, she couldn't stand it, verbally and physically abused me for years... and finally it was a choice between life and death.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I would certainly put off marriage until you've made up your mind with a therapist about whether or not to transition.  If she still wants to marry you well into your transition, you've got a keeper.  But make sure your decision to transition is just that... *your decision*.  Don't change your mind to spare her, you'll be hurting yourself *and* her in the long run.

*hug*

And about the therapy thing- Please do it!  It's scary, I know... but maybe if you just sit down, tell yourself for one hour, and go through the list trying to make appointments... make the appointment with *one* therapist or at least call three, then be done for the day.  Try again another day.  The whole thing can be completely overwhelming, so break it into chunks.  First thing, get an appointment.  Second thing, get *to* the appointment.  Promise yourself a treat afterwards.  You can *do this*. 

Much love *and* care,
Robin

[RosieD]

I just wish I started this many years ago. I could have realised this at a very young age, but denied it. I could have started transitioning early. But I was told: "In 10 years you'll be wishing you started 10 years ago.

You and me both lovely.  There is always that "if I had known then what I know now factor" but I think that one applies to everyone, cis, trans or were.

I would like to add another voice to the "lovely to see you back" chorus BTW.

Rosie

[Ltl89]

Hey Pia,

I don't know why you think no one would care, but that's besides the point.  I'm glad the hair removal is going good.  I could never pluck body hair as my Italian genes wouldn't allow for such a time consuming matter.  Sigh... shaving for me.  In any event, glad it's going well even though it sounds like a painful endeavour.   

Why not call a second therapist?  Just because one therapist is busy doesn't mean you should hold back your dreams.  Do what's best for you, but make sure your plan is what you need.

Good luck with everything and glad to see you back!

[Pia Bianca]

But make sure your decision to transition is just that... *your decision*.  Don't change your mind to spare her, you'll be hurting yourself *and* her in the long run.

Yeah, you're obviously right. I feel sorry for you because you had to learn it the hard way. You seem to be such a lovely person and don't deserve that. I tend to say that nobody deserves that, but there might be exceptions. You clearly aren't an exception.

And about the therapy thing- Please do it!

Yeah, as soon as I feel ready and have the option to do so at the same time. Unfortunately I have to work when therapists can be called and on free days my girlfriend is often around. As I'm still in the closet, neither my co-workers nor my girlfriend should notice something.

I would like to add another voice to the "lovely to see you back" chorus BTW.

I don't have words to describe the feeling I have reading all this support. Thanks a lot!

I don't know why you think no one would care, but that's besides the point.

It's what I learned when I was younger. I never was accepted in school. In fact I only was because I helped some others to get good grades and those other were people nobody dared to argue with. I still tend to get the impression nobody cares about me.

Strange fact about that: I wasn't accepted because I cried so much. In the early years tears weren't uncommon for me. Later on I learned to suppress them; something which is difficult for me now as I managed to master suppressing to a point I'm no longer able to let my tears go.

I'm glad the hair removal is going good.  I could never pluck body hair as my Italian genes wouldn't allow for such a time consuming matter.  Sigh... shaving for me.  In any event, glad it's going well even though it sounds like a painful endeavour.   

But that means dark hair for you, right? So it's possible to laser. Everything has it's bright side.

Why not call a second therapist?  Just because one therapist is busy doesn't mean you should hold back your dreams.  Do what's best for you, but make sure your plan is what you need.

It isn't a matter of "if", it's a matter of "when" I'll call another therapist.

Good luck with everything and glad to see you back!

I love you too. And I'm glad to be able to write that. I'm girly now, nobody will think I'm gay because I write it!

[Lauren5]

You can do it, girl. Gotta have some faith. I know it's hard to get the motivation, I have problems with it too, like just nobody really wants you to transition, but really, we're all behind you, and want you to be who you feel you are

[Erin Brianne]

Hi Pia...I too have found that everyone here cares about each other and will express their own opinion.   As for talking to a therapist, I have found that talking to a stranger is sometimes easier.   If you dont like the therapist you never have to see them again.  I was scared to death my first session because it was also my first outing as myself in full female attire.  It went better than I could imagine and yours could go better than you think.
stay true to yourself and know we will always be here for each other

[Pia Bianca]

we're all behind you, and want you to be who you feel you are

I feel better now. I have really strong mood swings sometimes. I don't know the reason for it. Perhaps it's the inner girl having those days once a month...

I was scared to death my first session because it was also my first outing as myself in full female attire.

I had some nights when I fully dressed and went out. Thought the night would cover me. It was, but it was scary, too. But it still felt like nothing else. I just love wearing a dress. It just feels so right.

stay true to yourself and know we will always be here for each other

I'm so glad I found this place.

[Lauren5]

I feel better now. I have really strong mood swings sometimes. I don't know the reason for it. Perhaps it's the inner girl having those days once a month...

You've got it down, it seems