Disassociation

[Psycho]

Does anyone else feel like a completely different person than they used to be?

I haven't even transitioned yet or told a lot of people, but when people talk about anything that happened before I started dressing like a guy and stuff, I get all uncomfortable. I mean yeah I have the memories of before but I don't feel like they're mine. I don't want anything to do with the "old me". I feel like my old self died and I was reborn.

Am I just flipping crazy?

[Kreuzfidel]

I have suffered with Depersonalization Disorder for over 10 years, so I know what dissociation feels like.  I still suffer with it, but not to the degree that I once did before transitioning.

Dissociation is the mind's defense against traumatic experiences.  Prolonged exposure to extreme stress can also cause it.  Mine was caused directly by my dysphoria which was severe from age 5 upwards.  The mind, in some ways, divorces itself from the body.  So what you are experiencing may not be dissociation from a clinical perspective, but it is dis-association for certain. 

[Psycho]

Interesting. Thanks.

[Frank]

I have very few memories of anything in my past, there are black holes everywhere. Even if it only happened within the last couple months. It's the weirdest thing, but I'd rather leave everything dark. It could be considered a form of disassociation.

[CJ]

Definitely!! I can never remember much without someone specifically saying "hey remember the time when.....". And even then sometimes I can't remember before I started testosterone/passing. I can't remember too much from the start of my transition either

[Taka]

i think black holes are bad. i don't have any that i'm aware of myself. not now at least, but there were some holes that i took the time to fill in properly by remembering stuff that i didn't want to remember. and all i know is that accepting the past as part of me, has done me good.

my brother has some really severe black holes in his memory, and also experiences dissociation from time to time. i know it's caused by extremely traumatic events that should be worked through.

i don't think there's anything wrong about feeling or being a different person than before. i am not the person i was 24 hours ago, much less the person i was ten years ago. this isn't a bad thing at all. but every single moment of my life up till now has shaped me in one way or the other. even the person i can hardly recognize any more was once me, or as much me as i could manage to be at the time. and i think my now and my future will be happier if today and tomorrow i can accept that person and love her for all the love that i didn't get when i was younger.

it's a kind of self therapy. to love and accept the self who never got the love and acceptance they needed. to tell my self that everything will be ok, there is no need to worry any more. the past is no more, but it holds a part of me that also needs to be loved if i am to accept myself completely the way i am now and the way i will be in the future.

maybe i got a little too philosophical here, but... these are things that i only knew the significance of yesterday (though i did understand the concept of these thoughts). i'll do my best to remind myself of this, simply because it made me a happier person. falling back into depression and dissociation from the self is not something i want to experience if there is anything i can do to help it.

[YBtheOutlaw]

it's amazing how every little weirdness i've noticed in myself is somehow connected with the diasphoria. it feels like 'being trans' was the missing piece of the puzzle of my life. with transition i'd be able to finally put my life together.

my memory is a whole dark cave, with a few lighted spots. they often include stuff i adored the most and stuff i've recalled more than a few times, but they mostly consist of stuff reminded by people i know, photographs and other mementos. i can hardly remember incidents on my own, i'm much worse at remembering conversations.

my memory gets significantly clearer anyway after age 13. i earlier thought that was because hormones kicked on me at age 12, but now that i think on it, it has to be because it was at age 13 i realized that i couldn't possibly be a girl, and started being boyish consciously.
wish i knew i was trans at age 13, rather than discovering  it at age 18. i've missed so much boyhood trying to restrain myself inside a girl's body.