Doubts After Three Years?

[kiteless]

rose,

the biggest trap i see people fall into is the gender binary. you pretended to be one way all of your life, and now you're pretending to be the exact opposite. people's personalities are not male and female. it is all a lie. the reason you get started down this road is to become free of the expectations forced upon you based on your gender, not to switch them out for an entirely different set of expectations.

what you need to figure out is what makes you happy... being on T, or being on E? that is the only decision you have to make. even if you decide you like being on testosterone better, it doesn't erase everything else about you. there are nonbinary men out there who don't take HRT but are fully and truly themselves. check out stav strashko:



and if you decide that being on E is what makes you happy, you don't have to wear makeup and dresses and speak softly. you can be as masculine-presenting as you want. check out this article about butch woman who live in san francisco:
https://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/photographing-the-butch-women-of-san-francisco?utm_term=.fcVz4pnxJk#.vxzaVKN0Yj


you've got a false binary in your head, that either i have to be fully girly-girl AND on E or i will go back on T and have to go back to living the sad life i lived before, and that is a false choice. there are many people even in the trans community who will force this choice upon you, especially if you don't live in a major queer-friendly metro area.

100 years from now they will not refer to people as "boy" or "girl" anymore because our hormones and genitalia are as relevant to our self-expression as our hair color or height. he/she pronouns are dying. you're trying to fit into a system that is basically a societal religious belief that holds no basis in reality, a system that has caused people nothing but pain for years. stop trying to fit in to other people's categories and start making decisions about what YOU want for YOU. and if other people don't like it, tough! i'm sure they didn't like it when you started transitioning either.

i used to be super sensitive about my status, as if i had to prove who i was constantly; as if my entire gender would fall apart based on the way i talked, walked, or dressed. i was like this when i identified as male, and i was like this for the first 6 months of my transition when i began to identify as female.

don't feel depressed. you're discovering who you are; that can be incredibly painful especially when society says that people like us don't exist. start reading websites like everydayfeminism.com and reaching out into the nonbinary trans world. also, i might get banned for this, but i think that a lot of the people on this site believe in a gender binary and will try to push you into what they believe a trans person should be and it's incredibly toxic to see this kind of behaviour especially when trans people have so few others to depend on to begin with! keep in mind that not every trans person is an expert on you and your body, the only one who is, is you.

[CallApril]

@kiteless

Fantastic thought provoking and intelligent writing!

I'd add Kudos if I could.

[Tanya62]

I think that if you are asking those kinds of questions, then hold off on surgery for sure. Hold off till you are 110% sure that is what you need. Not want. Wants change. Needs, not so much.

GRS is a huge step, which if you are not absolutely ready for it, can mess you up. I asked myself hundreds of times if I would be able to live with myself after GRS no matter what, and came to the conclusion that GRS was only the first step to my survival. I only wish I'd have been able to transition and have GRS sooner.

I have had ups and downs, seriously, but have always known this was how I need to live my life. Doubt wasn't there. I questioned myself to find the answer. Therapists then were easy to manipulate. I didn't seek answers from them, I needed their signatures. They were simply a means to an end. Perhaps they knew it, perhaps not.

My conviction that I was female was unshakeable and still is. If you go for it, there is not much room for turning back. When, and if, you are ready, there will be no doubts, no denying. Keep asking, keep testing.

So, if you have those doubts, then clear them up first before you go for any surgery. You have to agree with your own decision, and be prepared to spend the rest of your life with it.

My transition started in the late 60's. It was a bumpy road, nearly washed out many times, and no support that I was able to enlist. Just me, myself and I.

[Rose City Rose]

Sorry for reviving this again, just wanted to update.

RE: being non-binary- the thought of presenting male outside of maybe wearing historical costume at parties or events (gotta love medieval men's fashion!) is simply appalling to me!  I hate being called "sir" and I hate being perceived as anything but a woman.  If I'm genderfluid, then I'm not very good at it!

I've given it some thought, and the reason I was having doubts was a trap I fall into VERY easily.  It's the trap of trying to convince myself I don't want something simply because it seems unattainable.  I fell into that during the process of struggling to get HRT.

The reason I now know, after some months, that I had fallen into this trap I set for myself is because recently I got word that the pre-op electrolysis I've been waiting for MORE THAN A YEAR to get approved by insurance was FINALLY approved, and I couldn't be more relieved to have hot needles stuck in my junk!

When I gauged the relief I got from the prospect of having to endure something that is this unpleasant because it helped me advance toward surgery, I realized quickly that I was simply engaging in a very unhealthy coping mechanism by questioning what I wanted to avoid feeling helpless about it.

TL;DR- Strictly speaking, it was sour grapes.  But the grapes are sweet now so it's all good, sisters.  It's all good!

EDIT: also, I hope nobody takes my use of the word "trap" the wrong way since I'm using it in a traditional context and not as a slur against a passable MtF. 

[Rose City Rose]

Final happy footnote: had my first preop electrolysis session on Thursday.

I never thought something so physically unpleasant could be this much of an emotional relief.  The thought echoes through my mind, I'm moving forward now.  I don't have to lie to myself about not wanting this.

I figure electrolysis will be my failsafe.  If I can go through this process and I still want to do the surgery, then there will be no reason not to.  If not, I honestly don't think I'll miss my pubic hairs that much so nothing of value will be lost.

[JoanneB]

Final happy footnote: had my first preop electrolysis session on Thursday.

I never thought something so physically unpleasant could be this much of an emotional relief.  The thought echoes through my mind, I'm moving forward now.  I don't have to lie to myself about not wanting this.

I figure electrolysis will be my failsafe.  If I can go through this process and I still want to do the surgery, then there will be no reason not to.  If not, I honestly don't think I'll miss my pubic hairs that much so nothing of value will be lost.

There is no joy like making a successful tack (ie: Not hitting your head on the boom) when needing to change course.

All Sailors know it's not about the destination, but the journey

Congrats

[stephaniec]

good luck, I'm in a state of limbo knowing I wan it , but the road is uphill

[Rose City Rose]

Another update!  My electrolysis is maybe 30% complete.  I've toughed it out. 

Still terrified to death of complications, and sex as a woman is starting to get intimidating because I'll have to figure out everything all over again and there's a small but nonzero chance that I'll never orgasm again.  I'm not transitioning for sex but I'd be lying if I said that intimacy wasn't important in my life.

More importantly, I realized that my doubts are the strongest when I'm already depressed and second-guessing myself.  I'm struggling to get help with depression and some other disabilities (right now it's harder to get coverage for that than to get SRS in Oregon and any help is seriously appreciated) but I'm trying my very best.

[AnneK]

the only major difference is what hormones you're "running on" and your reproductive organs. the rest is just learned behaviour

Actually, that's not true.  Many years ago, there was the nature vs nurture argument, but that has long been shown that there are differences in the male & female brains.  This comes from brain imaging and also cases of infants who were given SRS due to medical issues.  Many of them grew up knowing they were in the wrong body.  So, learned behaviour is at most a modifier, but not the cause of the difference between male and female behaviour.  In fact, this was covered in a recent National Geographic show about trans people.  People who are truly trans have brains closer to what they want to be than what they were born with.

[SailorMars1994]

I was on that very ban-wagon of doubt, guilt and shame not just two days ago. So much happier I am back to myself <3... we began this process for a reason, and being a ''man'' had almost killed me. Much love <3- Ashley!!