how did you tell your family?

[Brianne]

How have people brought up the issue of transsexuality with their family?  Most of the books and websites I've read have said to do so in a letter.  I know the letter gives the other person or persons time to digest the news without being on the hot seat but it feels a little cold to me.  I'm guessing whether or not to bring up the subject in person depends entirely on the relationship you have with your family.

My mom lives in different state than me but she's coming to see me at the end of the summer and I'm thinking about telling her about my gender issues then.  For those who have brought up the subject in person, did it go over well?

Thanks,
Bree

[seldom]

I called them.  It went well at first then it completely fell apart.  I don't talk to them anymore, which is fine.  They are going to have to learn the hard way that they can either love me or lose me.

There is no right or wrong way to do it.  It is very difficult and completely unpredictable.  What happens has more to do with them than it does to do with you. 

[MeghanAndrews]

Hey Brianne,
I posted a description of what it was like to tell my parents in my blog. I did NOT want to tell them in a letter. It may have been easier, but I had the financial means to get on the flight and visit them and tell them. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. In my case, it worked out well. I talked to each of them individually, my mom when my dad was messing around outside (then again when we went grocery shopping and a few more times that day) then my dad when my mom was at work. I highly recommend making sure you have enough time to talk to them when you bring it up though, don't make it like a fit-it-in-when-you-can kind of thing. That's where a letter is nice because they can read, reread, etc., which may or may not be good.

I was always close to my mom so I think that I felt it would be ok before I ever did it. She kept saying "why didn't you tell me when you were younger?" but I think she understands. She just said she wants me to be happy and not miserable and she'll support me no matter what. My dad pretty much said the same thing. Who knows what the future brings, but as of now, I have the love and support of them. Just my experience. I've just started therapy, not on HRT or anything yet.

The reason I told them so early is that my feelings aren't going to change. I was told to wait to tell them until I knew 100% that I was going to go through with HRT, had a date, etc. I felt a lot differently about it. I've held this inside for too long (I'm 38 now) and I have to be honest with them. Not being honest with them was eating me just like the gender thoughts were, why add to the problem. I was thinking "maybe they can be a part of my support group?"

Good luck, let us know what you decide and how it goes. If you have any more questions or anything, just let me know 🙂 Meghan

[HelenW]

Brianne, I told my momface to face and had backup materials to give her afterwards.  I sent letters to the rest of my family that contained info and links to websites that have info about trans issues (Susan's was at the top of the list).  The letters had a disclaimer in them warning that an internet search would bring up porn sites:

One of the burdens that transsexuals such as myself have to bear, however, is the large and rather disturbing segment of society that finds our condition to be a sexual turn-on.  Because of this there is a great deal of internet pornography available which will come up if a search engine is set to look for sites about GID or transsexualism.  I feel certain that while this is a sexual turn-on for people who look at these sites, GID is no such thing for the people that perform in them.  Please let me reassure you that I am not a part of that population nor am I one of those who wish to prostitute myself for profit on the internet.  I have no intention of ever becoming a consumer,  seller, or participant in such filth.

My mom and most of the rest of my family have been generally accepting.  My daughter in law has not been.  I think at least part of the reason was that the letter I sent her and my stepson did not contain this disclaimer and when she saw all the porn when she did a search she turned against me, at least for now.

Our WIKI has some good coming out information https://www.susans.org/wiki/A_Guide_to_Coming_out_to_Family and the Main Page has other sites that contain sample letters and such.  I recommend you look at them before you talk to your people.


hugs & smiles
Emelye

[Laura Eva B]

How have people brought up the issue of transsexuality with their family?  Most of the books and websites I've read have said to do so in a letter.  I know the letter gives the other person or persons time to digest the news without being on the hot seat but it feels a little cold to me. 

A letter, how cold and impersonal would that be ?

I just had to do it face to face ....

Sure it was really really hard to find the right moment to say "Mum, I have something I have to tell you ...."  it took two visits home before I found the courage and right opportunity to do so .... and they were the hardest words I've ever had to say in my life.

Of course it was hugely emotional, and there were big tears, surprisingly more on my part, but mum's reaction was "you're my only child and of course I'll stand by and support you in whatever it takes for you to find happiness in your life" and "why couldn't you have trusted me enough to tell me this twenty years ago ?". Sob ....

We broke the news to my step-dad together and he too has been 100% supportive.

I still do feel guilty about putting my mum through all the worry and anxiety that my transition has meant, having her have to tell her close friends about how her "successful" son was now her daughter, but now that I have transitioned I feel that she is really proud of me and proud to be seen with me in any company.  I think mother / daughter relationship is stronger than mother / son ever was.

Go for it Brianne, sounds like your relationship with your mom is good as you wouldn't be wanting to do it face to face otherwise, and I'm sure it will work out well .... just don't do information overload straight away, just let your parents digest the reality bit by bit.

Best of luck !

(P.S. my mum already knew I "dressed" to go out when I was in my 20's, that I'd never had girlfriend and my best friends had always been guys, so maybe my coming out wasn't quite a bolt from the blue ....).

Laura x

[Christine Eryn]

Honestly, 1 day, my FFS will speak for itself. I have thought this out for many many moons, it's the way it has to be for me. I'm sure it won't be shocking with the many clues I've left over the years. I might send a letter saying I look different or something, I don't know. I cannot have my family shun me from now until then. They probably won't, but I'm personally not willing to take a chance.

[Laura Elizabeth Jones]

I told them all face to face. I could never come out over the phone or in a letter, that would have just confused people.

[Maud]

I sent letters to my father and sister.

[Kate]

Phone calls.

They're a six hour drive away, so telling them in person wasn't so simple. And, frankly, I was worried about their reaction and didn't want to be near them if it turned angry. And I wanted to know their reaction... I didn't think I could stand the suspense of dropping a letter in the mail and... waiting and wondering.

They were both reasonably OK with it during the initial call (though terribly confused about what I was actually saying). After that, it's been flip flops where dad will speak to me and mom won't, then mom would and dad didn't want to hear about it anymore. I ask to visit, and get told, "I'll let you know." They laugh with their friends at shows about TS kids, and tell me how embarassing it is for them. They accuse me of being "coerced into doing this."

So whatever. My life has moved on. Everyone I know in Real Life accepts me as Kate, and I'm finally living as her, as me. So if they wanna be an isolated island of intolerance, that's their choice I guess to be left behind.

~Kate~