I've been feeling really empty and apathetic lately. I have no energy, and what little I can muster is all spent on school. I recently got my first binder and a new haircut, so I should be feeling at least a little good. But nothing gets me excited or happy, I just feel 'meh' towards everything. It's like I can't feel things anymore. The only thing I feel is emptiness, and a lot of times, it hurts.
I'm at my parent's place this weekend with all 3 of my sisters for fall break, and situations where the whole family is together has always been a stressful time for me. My older sister knows about my gender issues, but doesn't really like to talk about it and her only advice is to either hide it or lie about it to other people. My youngest sister spends most of her time in her room doing her own thing and doesn't interact with me too much. My younger middle sister and my parents though really make me feel bad.
My middle sister has always been a drama queen. She takes everything I say and tries to twist into a slight against her. She'll then get really confrontational with me and try to make me out as the bad guy. I used to call her out on it, but I stopped because that was exactly what she wanted. That, and anytime we would get into it my parents would immediately tell us to shut up and drop it because we were 'making a scene' or 'being indecent'. My parents have this image of our perfect family and whenever anything happens to disturb that image they immediately try to sweep it under the rug, and if that doesn't work, they just ignore it. According to them, I'm the 'responsible' and 'stable' child who isn't supposed to have any problems and never acts 'inappropriately'. I learned a long time ago that if I had a problem to just deal with it myself, because my parents would just dismiss it or tell me it's no big deal and to just get over it. They're the reason I waited for nearly 4 years and was contemplating suicide before I sought help for my depression and anxiety. I actually tried to tell my dad about it once, and his response was "You don't need to see a therapist, just be happier." I'll probably never be able to come out to them about questioning my gender.
I'm just so tired of it all. And there's no one I can talk to about this except my therapist. Not my boyfriend, not my sisters, not my parents, and I have literally no friends. Nothing feels like it's worth the effort anymore.
Sometimes, I wish I could just fall asleep and never have to wake up.
