social issues with partner due to transition

[mightytofu]

This girl I have been seeing for a few months now recently told me she is hesitant to make it "official" because she doesn't know what kind of future she would have with me, more specifically when it comes to family. Family is a huge part of her life, however we have discussed in the past about how unconventional introducing her to my family would be, if it even happens at all. Older members of my family still screw up on my name and pronouns which is why I wouldn't want to bring her around them for fear of embarrassment and making HER feel awkward.

In short, her comment kind of felt like a slap in the face - I have already lost enough family and friends due to transitioning. It's not like I'm keeping her from my family because I'm ashamed of HER, but rather because it causes unwanted pain and pressure surrounding my transition.

I have already spoken to family members about the name and pronoun issues, how it hurts me and makes me feel as if my transition was worthless because clearly my physical changes have all occurred, and I get read as male 100% in daily social situations, so why should they insist on calling me by my birth name? (I should also state that I have been on T for 3 years now).

At the same time cutting off family is NOT an option. I am still very lucky that they have not disowned me or said anything horrible (at least to my face). For the most part, they all still very much love me.

Being Latino, and her being Latina, family is a huge part of our world. I would like her to share hers with me, and I would love to share mine with her, but I feel like I can't until that issue is completely resolved. I think she wants a "normal" life and relationship without my transition rearing it's ugly head in there every now and then. Perhaps that's a red flag in itself though :/


Not really sure how to handle or respond to this situation, I just know it fricking sucks.





Edited for profanity

[spacerace]

You could just set the family issue aside for now and watch how your relationship develops since it has only been a few months. If she continues to be hesitant and focused on a 'normal life' which she feels she cannot have with you, you can then have that discussion with her and go from there.

If you get along with your family and their main point of resistance is refusing to use your correct name, why not just tell her that they will use your old name, but you still love them and want to introduce her to them? Maybe that will let her see it is not as different as she thinks it will be.  Or is the problem also that you've never introduced your family to a girl you've dated, so that may be a whole separate issue from the other side?

Have you met any of her family?

Maybe don't press the issue with her for now, but you could start talking to the most understanding members of your family about how they think family members would react to you bringing someone around. Or, if you have cousins or siblings that are the same age as you, maybe you could all go out to dinner or something with her before having her meet older relatives.

I will say that this issue is something that will probably never be resolved completely, but you can start to break the ice conversationally with your family about them meeting a potential partner of yours and how they will act when that happens.

[Kreuzfidel]

This girl I have been seeing for a few months now recently told me she is hesitant to make it "official" because she doesn't know what kind of future she would have with me, more specifically when it comes to family.

Latinos/Latinas are not the only people in the world with a strong connection to family, so that's no excuse for her.  That statement she made right there would be an indication to me that she is not going to stick around no matter what you do.  Anyone who said to me that she didn't know what kind of "future" she would have with me would be shown the door, honestly. 

I can understand that it's only been a few months that you've been with her, but that's a bit harsh to say to someone.  Imagine if you were in a wheelchair and she said "I don't know what kind of future I can have with you"!  It reminds of spouses and partners abandoning those who get cancer - they can't "handle it".  Well how do they think that the other person feels for heaven's sake?  I find it selfish, personally.  I would probably be more outraged if you had been with this girl for longer, but since it's only been a few months - it's almost understandable that she would be thinking things through because IT IS a hard road for partners to take.  But at the end of the day, if she's considering your being trans* an inconvenience - then that's just not on.

[Adam (birkin)]

My hunch is that she is afraid that her family (or your family) might see her as a lesbian if they knew you were trans - or they may wonder why you two can't have your own biological kids and speculate on the reasons why not. Unless she's told you otherwise then nvm me lol.

I see two issues here:

1. Your family. How direct have you been about the pronoun issue? 3 years on T, I'm afraid you're going to have to stand your ground somewhere. Something that helped me was to say to some family "look, I know you don't want to use my new name yet, but can you please not use my old name? I know you call me sweetie, could you just call me sweetie until you are ready to use my new name?" And when they got to the new name, and "slipped up" and used my birthname, I would echo them gently. It would go like this: "birthname said this" and I'd say "Caleb said this." Same thing with pronouns now. "She went to get milk." "He went to get milk." 3 years is plenty of time for them to adjust, and I imagine it has been longer if you came out to them before starting HRT. Gotta draw the line somewhere, and you don't necessarily have to be aggressive. Just try to find a middle ground - if they can't do male, at least get rid of the female and move to gender neutral.

2. Herself. It sounds like she is just too afraid of what her family may think. And well...that's her problem. I'm not saying that in a pejorative way, but it's something going on inside her. It's her feelings. She can't help them for the moment, all she could do is potentially work on them in the future. I know it hurts for you, but if she does decide she can't deal with the chance of her family judging her, do you really want to be with her? You need someone who is going to stand by you no matter what. Heck, not just you, someone who is willing to stand by and defend her feelings for you.

[mightytofu]

Thanks everyone!

We have been seeing each other for over half a year now and, in my opinion, it's time to "->-bleeped-<- or get off the pot", so to speak. I'm assuming she is working over in her mind what kind of a future she will have with me legally, socially, etc. However, like many of us who are trans, this is something that I think about, work through, and prepare for on the daily. I'm going to give her a bit longer to work on her fears and expectations, but if she is still hesitant then I'm not sure I want to be with someone who is going to consistently bring these issues up in ways that aren't supportive of me or my goals.

Right now it just sucks because I thought I had found an amazing girl, but I also don't want to settle or deal with someone who cannot be supportive or feels like this is a burden. I have funded and gone through my transition entirely on my own, even being distanced from my family for about a year until they could accept my transition, and it's at the point in time where I say enough is enough - someone will either stand behind me and at least attempt to understand what I'm going through, but I can't hold their hand through my own transition as well.

I actually suggested she talk my friends wife (he is also trans and has been married for 2 years) for support in that area, suggested local organizations for SOFFAs, and even this online community, but she never even responds (literally doesn't say a thing!) to these suggestions. None of that bodes well :/