How to "prime" my parents without appearing passive-aggressive?

[insane_protagonist]

I am unhappy with the feeling that my parents are against me without realizing it. Going back home is becoming increasingly painful. I would like to eventually have a conversation with them about how, hey, me and my partner aren't exactly a heterosexual christian couple AND THAT'S OKAY. I just have no idea where to start.

My parents are very devoutly conservative evangelical christians. I know they're going to need some "priming" to understand my issues. But I really have no idea how to get those materials/messages across without my mom thinking that I'm sniping at her in a passive-aggressive way - just like SHE snipes at me regularly.

I've thought about emailing articles about gay christians and stuff to my mom, but I'm really scared to do it because when I've sent her, like, christian feminist articles in the past, she's reacted by trying to debunk those articles with her own opinions rather than actually reading them... *Sigh*

I don't know. I need to stay on good terms with my family (I have a lot of siblings, some of whom are still kids at home), but feeling like I have to keep who I am a secret causes this internal stress of feeling that, yes, being trans* and queer IS in fact, very shameful and possibly even wrong. It's making it harder to fully accept who I am even though intellectually I know that I'm on the right track.

I think I'm just doomed to have massive anxiety about all this for the foreseeable future - whether I come out or not. >_>

[Taka]

you could try to start with relaxing your guard, and stop pretending as far as possible while still not expressively stating that you're not a... umm, whatever it is you're pretending to be right now.

bring up articles that you've read in conversations, rather than sending them to your mom. stop before it becomes uncomfortable, just tell a nice story, let your mom say what she thinks about it, and then let it be. pick another positive article next time. but let some time pass in between. she might eventually ease up, and start feeling a little less uncomfortable talking about this stuff. instead of pushing, just drop a thought without really letting her get too much opportunity to oppose you.

unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to change her mind. she'll have to do that on her own. i would gladly sacrifice a little of my freedom in order to be able to see my younger siblings. like following certain clothing rules when visiting.

there is nothing shameful about being you. other people might be ashamed of you, but that is due to their own lacking ability to love. i think that being able to compromise just because you love your family so much, is really a sign of strength, and something to be just as proud of as transitioning despite their complaints.

it would be very nice if your mother could find it in her to accept you as you are, though. i'll be praying for that to happen.

[Lo]

I try to do similar, too, because I'll have to come out in a few years time. But I don't take the lead in conversations, I usually do it in response to things to lessen the impression that I might have an agenda, lol. It's usually in response to gender essentialist stuff that my parents spew not out of malice, but just ignorance. (Ok my dad might be a little malicious, but our relationship is already on the rocks because of his other antics, so whatever.)

I went to a baby shower earlier this year and remarked how creepy it was seeing everyone assume that the little girl was going to like pink or that she was going to be a girly girl, and told my mom that I was glad all of my baby things were green (because they wanted my parts to be a surprise until I came out). She replied by saying that I was just very different and most girls are girly. I dismissed her assertion in a joking way and moved on.

There was a time that she was a woman walking down the street as we drove. I didn't get a very good look, but she did and was like "Oh my god, that's a man. That's a man!" And my first reaction was "So what?"

I guess you could say that my tactic is to take the wind out of her sails in little ways, to make her know that the things that are a concern for her aren't for me, and perhaps to make her question why they're a concern for her to begin with once she sees how unfazed I am. But my mom's already on the liberal side of the political spectrum, so that makes things a bit easier.