Mixed Feelings Concerning Gender Identity

[halfsleep]

I know that this type of issue has been mentioned here before, but I guess I just need to rant/share my feelings & experience.

The end of last year, I moved away from home and what with the new location and new experiences, I had time to do some deep self-evaluating and analyzing away from the influence of family - and thus, had come out as transgender (FTM).

Granted, I had been intrigued by the concept of transitioning for a few years now, but had never really known enough about ->-bleeped-<- to be able to attribute it to myself, and plus, I figured that my family would say I was full of ->-bleeped-<- (which they did anyway, but they supported me nonetheless).

I had decided this year that I wanted to go to therapy to try to get hormones and eventually get surgery. I have been living as male for the better part of the year. I pass about 85% I would say, even despite by petite height and frame (people just assume I'm a 15 year old boy), and I have been using male restrooms regularly because of the awkwardness I began to encounter in female restrooms.

But now, I'm feeling helpless because I see all of these 22-year-old kids who have been on T for a year and have top-surgery, and here I am at 26 with nothing to fall back on, and no financial means at all to really do anything, let alone transition. Also, I have been living with my best friend/lover since December, but due to an unfortunate change in circumstances, we have split and I am moving back into my father's house.

So, I'm moving 600 miles away from the person I love and my only real support system, I'm depressed, I'm broke, and I'm starting to re-evaluate everything. Regardless of passing, I know that I do desire male traits such as the physical form, facial hair, and deep voice. But I'm beginning to wonder if I should even make transitioning a priority anymore.

I also have this strange fear that I'm going to keel over in my mid-forties like my mother, so I feel late in the game already, and like I need to "hurry" and be able to live truly as a man before I lose the chance. Does that even make sense?

[Darkie]

I know how you feel.  I'm 25, married and have any thoughts of transitioning on the back burner because I know what it would do to my husband.  So I see all these younger boys so far along and it makes me feel so..inadequate.  I am fluid so sometimes I am ok with my female body but I hate HATE my chest.  I would give anything to have a flat chest.  But, that's not really in the cards, so seeing all these boys getting it done so early makes me a little jealous.

[supremecatoverlord]

Don't compare the road to yourself to the road of others.
This applies to all situations beyond transition.
Some people take longer to figure themselves out and all that matters is that you strive to find happiness for yourself, not hold yourself back because of others.

[Chaos]

Listen.I know how you feel because i feel the same way and im in pretty much the same boat as you.The only difference is that im stuck with the low life *my ex* and i hate his guts.So my rage triggers often and i cant avoid that right now.I know you dont need to hear someone say *suck it up.get over it.live your own life* and thats not something i will tell you.Because thats not what i would want to hear either.People who say that,just do NOT understand what it feels like to constantly have something thrown in your face and something you know that you cant have.Its like starving and having someone sit there eating and rubbing in your face that you cant have it.Regardless of the reason-it hurts the same.But what i will say is that you need to find something to hold onto,something that gives you strength,something that pushs and makes you want to thrive.Its true that i feel the same but i know who i am and i KNOW that no matter what anyone says,what anyone does or even how depressed i get the day before,i will wake up the same person and i know that if i work hard,be patient-then my time will come and those who rubbed it in my face,will be on my heels.A saying goes like this and i hold to it true *Remember someone while they are on the bottom and they will remember you when they reach the top*

[chuck]

hey there,
I agree with my supreme cat overlord (all hail thee). Comparing yourself to others can make things difficult. I transitioned before this became so common that you saw it everywhere. That meant that i didnt have many others to compare myself to. I think that made my transitin easy. I started in my early 20's so I wasnt super early to the game or super late. I think it really does help to not compare yourself.

Here are some ideas about your situation. First of all I just want you to know that I have been where you are financially. And yes it totally sucks. And it sucks to not have support. You can put your transition on the back burner if you want to and if that feels right. You could also pick a part of your transition to work on that does not cost money. Or an aspect that is inexpensive. Get a job (or two) and work your butt off. Look at it as a part of your transition - you are working to get money so you can continue your transition, or start getting in shape which is great for transition, or maybe spend some time reading gender related books or articles. Maybe you could pick something and just focus on it until the time comes for you to push forward. Pick something productive- maybe learn some computer skills or study some things that might help you get a high paying job.

Hang in there!

[Confused_Katie]

I agree with Chuck. Try and focus on things that you can control. If you just fret over things that are out of your power to change at the moment, you will drive yourself crazy. Take things one step at a time, and eventually you will get to where you want to be.

I would also suggest seeing a therapist if you have the means to do so, not just for gender related issues but for your feelings of depression and self-doubt. A therapist can provide an unclouded view to help lay out a plan to get you to your goals.

Keep your chin up, halfsleep. Everyone here believes in you!