I'd like some ideas on what to do.

[Amelia]

I've never posted on a forum like this one before. So if my post seems a little off or is in the wrong section, that's why.

I originally had a lot to say, but something happened and what I was writing got erased.
So this time, I'll do a shorter version.

To start off, I still live with my parents, but I'll be 18 in a little over a year.
I am in the closet 100% about being transsexual, for quite a long time.
I have no confidence and am very antisocial and keep to myself.

I live in a very transphobic, homophobic, and even a bit racist, fundamentalist Christian family. All of my relatives are like this as well.
I've been raised to believe transsexual and homosexuals are "disgusting" and that being one is a "sin", which also made it take awhile for me to come to terms with being a transsexual.  (I'm currently also an atheist, but I only keep that from my parents. I don't mind telling other people that.)

Even though I don't have enough confidence to come out to them, it's kinda pointless anyways. They would probably laugh at me at first, and when realizing I was serious, I can't even begin to imagine how they would respond. Maybe they'd be violent, maybe they'd kick me out, or maybe they'd bring me to churches to try and "cure" me of it. I don't know, and I don't want to find out.

They make me go to their church three times a week, which is rather ironic because the constitution of that church bans "homosexual, bisexual, and transgendered individuals."

I don't have any friends I open up to, so I'm completely in the closet. I haven't told anyone. I have a couple friends, but our conversations are  usually generic things. Nothing really personal.

I tend to get really depressed some days, some days I'm not as depressed. Every day it's a bit different. One thing's pretty consistent, though: No days am I ever "happy".

I wouldn't consider myself suicidal, mainly because I have never attempted to commit suicide nor do I see myself ever having the courage to do it. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to die sometimes. I wouldn't be too upset if I didn't wake up the next morning.

I want to be female so badly it hurts, but I don't really do much to be female. Not because I don't want to, but because I'm deathly afraid of being noticed. Once, I tried to grow out my nails, and my parents made fun of me, calling me a ->-bleeped-<- and then made clip them off. I tried to grow out my hair, in fact, I'm always trying to grow out my hair. But once it gets too long, my parents drag me to a barber, despite me pleading with them to allow me to keep it. Thus, my hair is always short.

The little things I do here and there to make myself feel better are typically things I can hide. Such as, I shave under my arms, but I always wear a jacket or a long-sleeve shirt so no one would notice. If I can't hide it, I won't do it.

Typically, I dress very generically. If I can't be noticed as a female, then I don't want to be noticed at all. My clothes  and attitude blend in so well that I've went through entire classes without some people even realizing I was there.

I'm not really going to go into detail explaining all the ways I know I'm transsexual. I know who I am; I am who I am.
Besides, that would probably be way more reading than anyone would care to do.




I really don't know what to do. I was thinking of getting away once I graduate and moving elsewhere, using college as an excuse to get away. But I'm getting more depressed and antisocial by the day, that I'm not sure what I'd even do once I get there. It's much easier to remain hidden about things if you have someone that understood and you could talk to. But I have no one. No one's there for me.

I was wondering if any of you have had the same experiences. Such as, being raised in a fundamentalist conservative household, being very antisocial, depressed, etc, and how you managed to overcome it.

I still have my whole life ahead of me, but if my life's always going to be like this, then I don't want it.
I cannot see myself living even 10 more years like this, let alone 60.
I may not be suicidal now, but in 10-20 years, that very well may be the case.

[Christine167]

Welcome to forums Amelia.

Don't fret there's plenty of time to make your plan and follow through a decision process to be sure that this is right for you. I mean you're very young person and just now really starting to feel your freedom open up. Have a look around the forums, there are a lot of young folks like you in similar positions feeling like that they are trapped by their parents.

Again welcome. Let us know what you need to start your plan and get some help.

[Seras]

If you are not going to have the support of your family I would say it is very important to at least graduate from school and have a job before doing much, since transitioning is expensive. I you are planning on going to college and your parents are going to pay then you should consider that too. The better qualified you are the better your chances in life after all. I managed to hold it all off until I was done at University, not that it was necessarily good to do so. I am sad sometimes that I did not push for it earlier since my family has been accepting. Being away from home at college is a good time to experiment a little as well if you want to what with the freedom from your family.

I just distracted myself with things I like, dipped my toes into the trans water a little and kept my head down till I had the qualifications I wanted to get and the confidence to tell my family, after they had paid for my qualifications. Might as well get somethin eh.

Course this is just what I did, does not mean it is the right thing for you. Some people cannot hold it off like I did, some people hold off a whole lot longer...

PS Well done even writing it down like this on the public forum. I know for me even coming out here was a really big deal for me.

[Amelia]

If you are not going to have the support of your family I would say it is very important to at least graduate from school and have a job before doing much, since transitioning is expensive. I you are planning on going to college and your parents are going to pay then you should consider that too. The better qualified you are the better your chances in life after all. I managed to hold it all off until I was done at University, not that it was necessarily good to do so. I am sad sometimes that I did not push for it earlier since my family has been accepting. Being away from home at college is a good time to experiment a little as well if you want to what with the freedom from your family.

I just distracted myself with things I like, dipped my toes into the trans water a little and kept my head down till I had the qualifications I wanted to get and the confidence to tell my family, after they had paid for my qualifications. Might as well get somethin eh.

Course this is just what I did, does not mean it is the right thing for you. Some people cannot hold it off like I did, some people hold off a whole lot longer...

Well, that seems logically like the best idea.
For me, every day is terrible.
Five more years like this seems like a lifetime.

PS Well done even writing it down like this on the public forum. I know for me even coming out here was a really big deal for me.

Well, I wanted to write something for awhile. Tried before and never actually posted it.

[Ltl89]

Hey Amelia,

I can't relate to living in a fundamentalist Christian and a conservative household, but I was raised very Catholic and did struggle with much of the fears you have when I was your age.  I'm still very in my transition, so I can't tell you how to get over all of the fears related to transition, but I can tell you that it can get better.  If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here.

P.S.  Don't shy away from any specific questions you may have. 

[Contravene]

Hi Amelia,

I know exactly what you're going through so I can give you a little advice that might help. I'm FTM so my experiences are opposite but similar. My parents are controlling, conservative Christians so they sound very similar to yours.

My first suggestion is: do not come out to them. I know it's difficult and even painful to hide who you are but in a situation like yours, it's better to keep your true identity a secret rather than be persecuted by your family while you're stuck with them. I came out to my parents a couple months ago after my mother pried it out of me and it's been nothing but violence ever since.

It sounds like your parents are very controlling with how they force you to even cut your fingernails. Are they controlling in other ways too? Mine are very controlling emotionally and financially. If they're controlling in those ways like mine are, it's best to work at becoming as independent as you can so that they can't have any type of leverage against you. I would suggest becoming financially stable as a priority too.

Are you in college or planning on going to college? Most colleges have support groups for the LGBT community so it would be an opportunity for you to find people who could help and support you, especially if things do go wrong with your family. It would also be an opportunity where you could safely open up, make friends and be yourself.

I felt a lot like you described emotionally too. I've never quite been suicidal because I like living and experiencing the world but there were so many times where I wished I could just go to sleep and never wake up. It's terrible to feel that way and I know it's not easy to feel better but my advice would be to find small things that you could look forward to to brighten your day. For me it was simple things like looking forward to watching my favorite TV show every once in a while or eating my favorite food. I know that might sound pathetic but sometimes it's the small things that get you through. I've never had many friends but despite that I eventually I met my girlfriend and not only is she the love of my life but she's my best friend too and she's been nothing but supportive and unconditionally loving towards me. So just know that there's someone out there who will love and support you the same way one day.

I hope some of my advice will help you. If you need help or anymore advice on things, feel free to ask.

[eli77]

I can't help from personal experience. But a friend who was stuck in similar circumstances managed to go see a doctor and get on an anti-androgen without informing her parents. That at least offered some peace of mind while she waited to finish college and move out. Depends on what resources are available in your area of course.

[Seras]

For me it was simple things like looking forward to watching my favorite TV show every once in a while or eating my favorite food. I know that might sound pathetic but sometimes it's the small things that get you through.

Hell no, I love the little things

A little hedonism is where it's at!

[foreversarah]

If you are not going to have the support of your family I would say it is very important to at least graduate from school and have a job before doing much, since transitioning is expensive. I you are planning on going to college and your parents are going to pay then you should consider that too. The better qualified you are the better your chances in life after all. I managed to hold it all off until I was done at University, not that it was necessarily good to do so. I am sad sometimes that I did not push for it earlier since my family has been accepting. Being away from home at college is a good time to experiment a little as well if you want to what with the freedom from your family.

I just distracted myself with things I like, dipped my toes into the trans water a little and kept my head down till I had the qualifications I wanted to get and the confidence to tell my family, after they had paid for my qualifications. Might as well get somethin eh.

Course this is just what I did, does not mean it is the right thing for you. Some people cannot hold it off like I did, some people hold off a whole lot longer...

PS Well done even writing it down like this on the public forum. I know for me even coming out here was a really big deal for me.

I very much agree with this. I've just finished my degree (graduated last week) and came out to my parents February this year while in the final year of my degree. I've suffered depression and anxiety due to being trans as well and it also impacted heavily on my education. But as has been said it does get better. What got me through my education was knowing that even if my parents did not accept me, if I continued to get a good education I would hopefully be able to support myself.

Getting a good education is good whether you're trans or not anyway.

I was also scared about coming out to my parents. They're not big christians, or religious really at all despite the fact that my maternal grandfather was a vicar and I have been christened.

I made sure I had an immediate safety net. I was seeing a psychologist for depression at the time as my anti-depressant medication wasn't working. Although the depression wasn't directly related to me being trans it was a small part so I told the psychologist.

The psychologist helped me come out to my parents. It was a safety net in that as a professional she could help explain things, and help with my nerves, which were huge! It also helps in that it shows that being trans is a real thing and a medical condition.

[Amelia]

If you are not going to have the support of your family I would say it is very important to at least graduate from school and have a job before doing much, since transitioning is expensive.

I know you need a job to make money, and you need money to transition, but how exactly does one transition while being employed?
That seems like it'd take an exceptional amount of courage. I'm probably one of the most antisocial and non-confident person you'd ever meet.

Have any of you transitioned while employed, and what was it like?

Are they controlling in other ways too? Mine are very controlling emotionally and financially.

Not completely sure what you mean by that.
Economically, I had a job once, and I never tried buying anything controversial amongst the household.
So I really don't know how they'd respond.
I ended up quitting the job, though, due to a mixture of depression and lack of motivation.

Are you in college or planning on going to college? Most colleges have support groups for the LGBT community so it would be an opportunity for you to find people who could help and support you, especially if things do go wrong with your family. It would also be an opportunity where you could safely open up, make friends and be yourself.

I'd like to go to college. I'm not really sure how I'd go about it, though.
I've basically told my parents that I plan to go to college in the state I was born in, which just so happens to be on the opposite side of the country.

It may be hard to get into a college out-of-state, but I thought I might as well try, as an excuse to get away.

It's terrible to feel that way and I know it's not easy to feel better but my advice would be to find small things that you could look forward to to brighten your day. For me it was simple things like looking forward to watching my favorite TV show every once in a while or eating my favorite food

I don't really have anything consistent that brightens my day.
Somedays I can find little things, but somedays I don't.

I've suffered depression and anxiety due to being trans as well and it also impacted heavily on my education.

Yeah, this is the same for me. I've only now come to this forum because my depression's been getting a bit worse.
And because of that, my grades have also fallen.
I still haven't decided if I want to stick to the IB program I'm currently in, which consists of incredibly hard classes, or drop out of it in place of easier classes.

Getting a good education is good whether you're trans or not anyway.

True. I kinda want to get an education in computers.
I've always loved computers, because writing computer software is objective and logical.
I've always disliked subjective and artistic work.

Mainly because, with subjective work, you can try your best and still do terribly.
With artistic work, it typically requires self-expression, which my brain is trained to avoid at all costs.

I made sure I had an immediate safety net. I was seeing a psychologist for depression at the time as my anti-depressant medication wasn't working. Although the depression wasn't directly related to me being trans it was a small part so I told the psychologist.

Don't psychologists cost a lot of money?

The psychologist helped me come out to my parents. It was a safety net in that as a professional she could help explain things, and help with my nerves, which were huge! It also helps in that it shows that being trans is a real thing and a medical condition.

My parents don't take psychology or biology seriously, due to their extreme religious backgrounds.
If a psychologist tried explaining being transgendered to them, they'd probably just laugh at them.

[Ltl89]

Hey Amelia, 

Good going on planning for college.  It sounds like a great start to your adult life; plus, you can likely get medical insurance if you are a full time student.  Also, getting a part time job through college will be a great help and allow you to save up for what you will need.  There are plenty here that have transitioned on the job without issues.  I'm just about to start work (beginning of next week) and my main boss (the one who hired me) knows about my transition.  Can't say how it will go or what others will say, but I really doubt I'll have much issues as things have been good so far.   

[foreversarah]

Don't psychologists cost a lot of money?

Yes you're unfortunately right. Unfortunately you don't have a system like the NHS in the USA, which would allow access to a psychologist for free.

Although I went private with my psychologist, my parents paid for it. They didn't know I was covering trans issues with the psychologist only the depression.

I don't know what your situation is but maybe you could ask your parents to let you go to a therapist/psychologist to help your depression.

[Natkat]

Hi Amelia
good you took the courage to go on Susan.
-

I dont know whats it like to be in a very religious famely. mine wasnt very religious.
But I know the felling of being stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time.
-
When I where abit younger I had a troubles in my famely. My mom had back then a hard time accepting my transition so it wasnt very fun living at home. Luckely I got the option to study abord, in another city pretty fra away from her where I could be myself and where my friends around didnt mind. I belive it was better for my mental health than being home.

now my famely is okay but I dont like how my country threat transgender so I try to work/study abord in another country.

I dont know what options you got for studing but I can recomend being on a school with a distance to your parents.
If you think it may be posible but not sure how, maybe theres someone you can talk to. I have spoke to plenty of student guide who been to help me find the type of school I been looking for. Some schools also have those kind of guides on ther school, You dont need to say that its because you are transgender, you can say you just feel you need some changing, or something like that.