Hi people, I'm brand new here. Here's my story-
I am Jill F, a 44 year old MTF from Los Angeles. I have a wonderful wife of 20 years who is very supportive of my transition. I started on HRT in January, 2013 and *gasp* went full time after only a few weeks.
I always knew something was off, and had always pictured myself as a girl in the back of my head since I was a child. I basically had my effeminate tendencies ridiculed and beaten out of me. I got pretty good at hiding it, denying it, suppressing it and burying it until that became, umm, impossible last year. I was always into girls sexually, which added to the uncertainty of it all. I grew into a big, strong guy and did a lot of pseudo-macho overcompensating so people would read me as nothing other than a very masculine guy. I always wanted to present myself as female, but never actually did it until last November when I had a major mental meltdown. I tried to cling to my male identity as long as I could, as losing all heterocisguy privileges seemed to be the unthinkable. I kept repeating to myself year after year, "Why on earth would someone have a sex change just to become homosexual? That makes no sense.", "Just play the hand you were dealt, it's not that bad being a heterosexual married man.", or "My god, you'd make a hideous woman."
Last year it came out once and for all. It unraveled quickly when my wife got the urge to put "guyliner" on me (I am a rock musician who already had long hair and pierced ears.) and I saw my reflection. This time I saw a woman looking back at me with her incredibly sad but pretty eyes. This led to a lot of drinking and two hospitalizations within three weeks. I had fought being trans my whole life until I could no longer do so. I told my wife as soon as I could admit it to myself. After the shock wore off, she said she was OK with it and that she loved me no matter what. I originally thought I that must be bigender or androgyne, as the level of dysphoria seemed to vary, and I didn't NEED to dress female 24/7. Ahh, my capacity for self-delusion... I mean, transitioning is what you do as an absolutely last resort when all other options have been exhausted.
I saw a therapist who told me, much to my surprise that I needed to get on estrogen right away. I feared transitioning on so many levels that I decided that maybe just taking a low dose would suffice and nobody would have to know. Nothing permanent if I wanted to quit, but this sample of HRT would tell me if that was the right path or not in short order. Maybe it would just make me feel worse, and I could put the notion of being transgender and transitioning to bed once and for all. It would have been such a relief to not need to tell the world about my gender issues. Two hours after my first dose of estrogen, I felt like this thing that had been physically squeezing on my brain had finally been released and the sh*tstorm in my head became a mild breeze. My brain was finally functioning like it was supposed to all along. Colors looked more vivid, I could taste things better, I began to utilize my full vocabulary in conversation, and eventually most of the hair I had lost to MPB started to grow back. It just felt great. Most important, I was finally happy. I began to present female in public after only a month on estrogen and one laser session. I went full time a few weeks later and then came out to everyone, shocking them all. Not just out to a few friends and family members, but Facebook out. The genie isn't going back in the bottle.
Now that there are no more barriers, real or perceived, I will be transitioning fully to be the woman I feel I should have always been. I get to look forward to some significant plastic surgery, a likely breast augmentation and SRS in the coming months/year. I'm going to be one cute amazon, dammit. Look out world, here comes Jill!
