Telling an important person today...

[Ellesmira the Duck]

So, the moment of truth is soon approaching (or at least one of them), Later to day I plan to tell my girl friend of six years I'm transfemale. I'm not really sure how she'll take it, and fortunately I have a therapy session just before hand so I'll be able to talk things through to practice. Still, I'm a bit nervous, on many levels. My gut reaction is just hoping she doesn't completely reject me, but I know that asking for acceptance after her knowing me for so long is a lot to hop for. My second worry is that, due to just being attached to me for so long, she'll try to suck it up and say she's okay with it when she really isn't, and in the end make this a much longer and more painful process. We have kind of grown apart a bit, not emotionally so much as where we are in life. We started dating as high school students, the only difference was my grades were a little higher then hers. Now she's still struggling with Community college while I've graduated and transferred to a four year, I have a job, a car and a desire to move forward in life that she just doesn't seem to be as worried about. I love her to death, but I'm still very torn about how I feel this should go, on my part and hers. I know this is a point many people in transition must cross, so hopefully perspective from other people may clear my mind a little. If nothing else it helped to put my ideas down in words.

[stephaniec]

sorry, I can't really help. I have been on my own for a long time and transition with out the need to tell any one. 6 years is a long time though.  she never suspected any thing.

[Jessica Merriman]

I would tell her now baby. You can't hide what you are and how you feel forever, trust me on that. Lets say If you did not tell her and you got together in a more serious relationship what would you do when you could deny your real self no longer? It would cause the pain and grief to vastly multiply and maybe have children who would be caught up in the whole thing. We have all been in the situation we had to tell people how we feel and about the transition we are going through. It is not easy or painless, but it is mandatory. All of us have done it and survived, sometimes even been surprised by non rejection. It is just a step of the transition process and a critical one. You can do it! 

[Ellesmira the Duck]

You must be a really strong person to do this all on your own Stephaniec, i don't know that I could. And yes, I have worked out a plan with my family to tell her and to keep them on stand by if she needs to be taken home by someone who isn't me. I'm just worried that she will be upset, I hate hurting people. I am also worried she will never fully accept or treat me as female after having treated me as male for so long.

[stephaniec]

It's good you have that therapy session. the therapist should be able to help with some experience.

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

I know that it's impossible not to feel pain and anxiety at this point and at this moment. But I can assure you that no matter what happens, all relationships you have from this point on will be better than any you have had to this point, solely because you will be undertaking them as your authentic self. You will have pain, but even that pain will be different. Best wishes. Stay strong. You are not hurting her by being yourself. And she will not hurt you by being her true self.

[Ellesmira the Duck]

Thanks, that is a very good think to keep in mind Jane, and it does make me feel a bit better. I do hope my therapist will provide some new insight or at least let me build my confidence plus I believe this time we are going to try to barrow one of the transfemale staff there so I can talk to someone in person who has already fully transitioned. It will be an exciting and life changing day for sure.

[Ms Grace]

I understand you not wanting to hurt her, but please realise that you won't be doing that. You'll be telling her about your true self, nothing more nothing less. How she reacts to that is down to her, if she chooses to feel hurt by you being trans* that is her choice.

However, something else to keep in mind is she might also be upset that you didn't tell her sooner, that you kept a "secret" from her. She might want to know lots of answers, some questions will be weird, rude and/or personal...she may want to know answers to things you don't have answers for. She'll probably see it as thing that effects not just you and her and your relationship but also her sexual identity as well as her friends and family. It might take her a fair bit of time to process it all, she might need space too.

In case you're wondering, yes I've been in a similar situation - even though it was eight years after I'd detransitioned and wasn't planning (at that stage) to retransition she didn't take it very well. And I had thought she was a very open minded person! Not so as it turned out. But yes, she had felt I'd kept it a secret from her (we'd been together about five months before I told her), she wondered if I was really gay, worried about what her friends would think if they ever found out, blah, blah, blah.

Thing is you can't really know until you tell her, and even then it may take some time for it to be fully resolved. Do you have a sense of what your girlfriend thinks about gender in general and trans gender people in particular? Might be good to get an idea of that before launching into a full blown revelation.

All the best, but remember you are not hurting her.

[Ellesmira the Duck]

As hoped, all of your insight really has made a difference, so thank you everyone ^_^. As far as how open minded she is, our closest friends are a gay male, a bisexual woman, a rather open minded woman (I would have called her a lesbian, but she has a transmale boy friend now) and a transmale friend. Oh and a few cisgender people too =P. But she's perfectly comfortable around them. However it's one thing to be okay around that life style and another to let it come to close into your personal life. But you're right, painful or not, things will be better once she knows.

[Ellesmira the Duck]

Well, yesterday I told my girl friend that I was transgender. At first, she was obviously surprised, but took things pretty well. I asked her several times if she was sure it was something she could be okay with, to which she whacked me on the head playfully for asking such a question. I enjoyed talking with her about things I had bought recently, though she said she wasn't ready to see me in girl mode in person yet, she did see a picture of me dressed that way and didn't seem too bothered. A few hours later I took her home, only to get a call a couple hours afterwards from her requesting that I pick her back up for the night. She apparently had a bit of mental break down after talking to her mom a bit, but, after spending a little bit with me, calmed down and we were able to talk about it more easily again. Things seemed fine through the night and into the morning...until I had to drop her off at home before work, to which she ended up leaving my car half in tears and unfortunately I was already running behind and had to leave for work. She seems to be doing a bit better now that she's had chance to calm down. But ultimately I'm not sure how things will go forward in the future.

[stephaniec]

I hope for the best. It best to get it out in the open

[Ellesmira the Duck]

I do feel much better having her know. While it may cause us to take a different path in the future, it will be better for both of us. Plus, she's done much better in treating me as female then I thought she would. She's already got female cosplays lined up for us to try out at some point. So, I'll likely remain cautiously optimistic for now. She at least wants to stay with me and work through this, which is the most I could possibly ask for.

[stephaniec]

that's wonderful

[Christine167]

I have a lot of hope for you.
Happy thoughts