Am I just pushing people away?

[Asche]

More incoherent ravings:

One reason I went back into therapy was that I've noticed that I'm more and more isolated and doing things that would connect me with other people seems to be an impossible task (like climbing out of the Middle Eastern prison that Bane throws Batman into in Dark Knight Rises.)

Unfortunately, whatever we talk about, it feels like I am to blame for my isolation.  I'm excessively provocative, I'm hypercritical, etc.  And, of course, I have a negative view about everything (I'm sorely lacking in the Norman Vincent Peale department.)

I've also been thinking, but not talking about, that maybe how I dress is another way of pushing people away.  On the one hand, I feel a lot better and more like myself when I wear skirts, dresses, etc.  (Plus it's fun!)  On the other hand, I'm afraid I'm weirding people out -- that they act polite, or maybe find me entertaining (in the short run), but don't want to get much closer to someone who violates social norms that much.  I wonder if maybe, in the cesspools of my unconscious, the attraction of being this way is really that it makes me so different that no one can relate to me.  Maybe I only really feel alive if I'm cutting myself off from everyone else, or maybe just if I'm setting a barrier to their relating to me that is so high no one can cross it.

(I also have this fantasy of finding people who are interested in the same styles of clothing that I am.  I mostly make my own, because I nobody sells stuff like what I like except for the seamstresses who embody their fantasies in cloth and sell them on E-bay -- e.g. UniKaren.  I've tried various on-line communities, but the CDers are mostly interested in imitating what is fashionable for women, and the men-in-skirts crowd is mostly interested in Masculine!!-looking stuff.  Maybe I'm only happy when I've made it impossible for anyone to relate to me.)

[Jessica Merriman]

Rant and vent to me anytime you need to baby! Don't worry about everyone else, I know it is hard to do, but why should what they think effect you and your happiness? Be strong and true to who you are, we have your back baby! There for me is no family except you and the others of THIS family. The only family that should matter, right? BIG HUGGLES! 

[kelly_aus]

Unfortunately, whatever we talk about, it feels like I am to blame for my isolation.  I'm excessively provocative, I'm hypercritical, etc.  And, of course, I have a negative view about everything (I'm sorely lacking in the Norman Vincent Peale department.)

TBH, these are likely to be more of a problem than how you dress. No one wants to hang around with a negative person.

[blue]

TBH, these are likely to be more of a problem than how you dress. No one wants to hang around with a negative person.

As long as a person is not mean (neither to self nor others), has a loving heart still able to care despite everything, I'm glad to see all of these traits Asche mentioned. Provocative, capable of in depth analysis and consideration, skeptical... these sound like most of the people I've ever loved (and still do love). Just really good company, because we will have so much to talk about, always!

[kelly_aus]

As long as a person is not mean (neither to self nor others), has a loving heart still able to care despite everything, I'm glad to see all of these traits Asche mentioned. Provocative, capable of in depth analysis and consideration, skeptical... these sound like most of the people I've ever loved (and still do love). Just really good company, because we will have so much to talk about, always!

All of theses traits are fine in moderation.. But they can be pushed too far.

[Asche]

TBH, these are likely to be more of a problem than how you dress. No one wants to hang around with a negative person.

My first reaction was: "no @#$%!.  I don't want to hang around me, either!"

FWIW, one major issue I have is depression (not sure if that was obvious from my post.)  What I wrote are my feelings about myself, but I have no idea how realistic my feelings are.  I live with # 1 and #2 on the list of lies depression tells you, with some #5 thrown in, so I don't know how much is a lie and how much is truth.

Add to that that being "hypercritical" (or maybe more like "paranoid") is kind of a job requirement for me.  I'm a techie, and I work as a computer programmer and general "make it work" person.  Much of my job consists of looking for why something is broken or why something might turn out to be broken or break something else.  (Catch problems before our clients -- or the CPUs -- find them: that's my job.)

[VeronicaLynn]

There is also a matter of style. Do the the clothes you choose look good on you? Certain colors look better with certain skin tones than others. Bright colors, and also black and white, tend to draw peoples attention towards you, whereas muted tones, grays, and browns do not. Neon colors seem to be really in this year, in both men's and women's fashion. To an extent, you should either be wearing todays fashion, or being really bold and trying to set a new fashion. Don't wear yesterday's fashion, unless it looks really, really good on you, if it does than rock it.

[Taka]

you're probably pushing people away. not with your clothing style, but the way you interact with them.

it's probably your own fault. not that you should blame yourself for that, think of it as a bug in your system. it's only your fault for not having identified and dealt with it yet. i'd think having noticed that there's something wrong with you rather than everyone else is a step in the right direction. can't fix a problem that you don't know exists... hurts to be honest enough with oneself to admit this, but it's really much easier to change yourself than to change the whole rest of the world. at least there's hope of succeeding.

depression makes it difficult to interact with people in a good way. it makes the negatives darken your surroundings, instead of having the positives brighten the world. i only recently got out of something that i really think was an evil cyclic depression. i've become happy for no reason whatsoever. i just suddenly went from feeling like the whole world was against me (a rather subconscious thing), to not really caring that much about others because i'm ok and that's all that matters.

funny thing is that not caring all that much seems to have made me get along with people more easily. instead of watching what i say in fear of rejection, or purposely avoiding interaction, i can give someone a smile or a compliment simply because i feel like it. other than that, everything is the same as before, really. nothing has changed in the world, in my life, in my current situation. even my mood swings are the same as before. it's just something inside me that got untangled and thus enabled me to relate to the world and other people as if they not only are real, but i want them to be as well.

i think i got a little lost typing here... instead of worrying (it doesn't solve anything, only makes you more likely to make the wrong decisions), try to fix one little thing at a time. together with your therapist, in the way you interact with people, in flawed thinking patterns. it can be a long process, but it's usually worth it. and the answer might just present itself when you least expect it, just like it did to me.

and even if reading this didn't make you happy at all, that's also ok, unless i unintentionally hurt you (that would be bad of me). the best thing is to take everything at one's own pace. and then share your frustrations where people will listen, like here.