Lonely...but can't date!

[Just Shelly]

I would like to date but I am stealth and am not willing to talk about my past and I fear anyone I will date can easily find info about my past so then I look even worse by not saying anything.

I would be more comfortable acknowledging my past to another women....but I am not interested in women!!! I find that when I get very lonely I try to meet women as friends with potentially more, but feel like I am just taking the easy route. Even though I don't pursue them either!!

Being stealth has its advantages to meeting men but beyond that it stinks!! I want to do more than just meet men.

I just had a service tech here at my home....when he was done he had no more appointments and hung around talking for an hour and a half. He recently became divorced so we talked much about that....I really was attracted to him and I think he may have been also. (but I need to get hit by a brick to know for sure!!) I am fairly sure he wanted to ask me out but I gave him the wrong vibes in the end. Its not that I wanted too.... but what do I say to him once he asks me more personal info since he already knows more then the average Joe....or when he meets my children! I just wish I could date like any other normal women!!!

This has happened too many times lately....I end up just walking away crying knowing that I can never be with anyone without indulging my past first. I have gotten to know some of these men very well in the little time I have talked with them, they would never suspect I am nothing more than a women, mother. It's not like I define myself right off the bat....as conversation goes I just go with the flow. Once things are said how can I back track....Its not like I can tell someone I just start talking too that I am trans.

I wanted sooo much see this man again but he knows so much information about me already I couldn't take the chance of even going out on one date. The only other times I have tried to meet men have been online or if they don't know my last name. I want someone to get to know me before they know more critical information that may persuade their opinion of me.

I am not one that thinks men flirt with me always....in fact I don't truly feel they are. But I have talked with men at events, work, home stores.....for long periods of time...I don't think they would take the time to talk with me that long if there wasn't some attraction. I just know if I told them I am trans in the middle of convo....they would stop talking very soon after.

How do I do this!!!! I am very lonely and want someone to talk too, hold me and just be my friend.

[Ms Grace]

Is it because you fear rejection (and I know that rejection can be the least concern as some men don't react to well to finding out the woman they've got the hots for is trans)... and is that preferable to feeling devastated by not knowing? If you like the guy and he seems to like you why not see if there's anything there? A first date certainly doesn't have to end up in the sack nor do you need to spill everything about yourself, but it could give you an opportunity to gauge his reaction to certain future scenarios - maybe casually mention a friend who is trans and see how he reacts?

[Shantel]

Hi Shelly,
       I'm feeling for you girlfriend, getting back into the dating circuit is a nerve wracking proposition in itself. Perhaps just a low-key desert meet-up and lengthy chat session for starters, if it works into another meet then take it slow and see if a lasting friendship develops. During that phase you would have to be straight with him because you are a sweetie and he will naturally want to draw closer to you. Let him initiate these things but before it gets feely, touchy you will have to have that discussion with him so that he doesn't feel like he's being fooled. He might withdraw for awhile, he'll need time to digest that information and deal with his own feelings about it. If he's for real he will be back, if not then no loss of face for you and the world won't have to know anymore about you then it already does. You deserve a crack at life, don't let your fears cheat you out of it.

[Just Shelly]

Is it because you fear rejection (and I know that rejection can be the least concern as some men don't react to well to finding out the woman they've got the hots for is trans)... and is that preferable to feeling devastated by not knowing? If you like the guy and he seems to like you why not see if there's anything there? A first date certainly doesn't have to end up in the sack nor do you need to spill everything about yourself, but it could give you an opportunity to gauge his reaction to certain future scenarios - maybe casually mention a friend who is trans and see how he reacts?

Yes rejection is a huge part! and honesty I hate not being truthful. Even in my past when trying to meet females I would always tell more than what's needed. I am willing to go out on dates without telling everything about my background and I have gone out on two before....its just when someone already knows more personal info prior to going out, is when I get nervous.

Hi Shelly,
       I'm feeling for you girlfriend, getting back into the dating circuit is a nerve wracking proposition in itself. Perhaps just a low-key desert meet-up and lengthy chat session for starters, if it works into another meet then take it slow and see if a lasting friendship develops. During that phase you would have to be straight with him because you are a sweetie and he will naturally want to draw closer to you. Let him initiate these things but before it gets feely, touchy you will have to have that discussion with him so that he doesn't feel like he's being fooled. He might withdraw for awhile, he'll need time to digest that information and deal with his own feelings about it. If he's for real he will be back, if not then no loss of face for you and the world won't have to know anymore about you then it already does. You deserve a crack at life, don't let your fears cheat you out of it.

So true!! on the only two dates I have been on I feared each of them would want a kiss good night or possibly more!! I could never do anything more than a hug without telling them more. The fear is if I went out on second, third or more dates....could I still this stick t my rules...or would I give in to the need for affection. I wouldn't want to tell anyone my background until they got to know me more....this could take a few dates.

For background info....I have only been on 3 dates in the last 20 years...2 of them were this last year!! I have not had any type affection from another human being in over eight years....God how I long for a kiss!!!

[Cindy]

Take them up on the date. Don't worry until they want to reach first base. Nothing may come out of the date anyway. So enjoy the event, feel good, learn to like going with a guy. Not all guys want or expect sex straight away. Nice guys are just that. Nice!

A kiss and a hug doesn't hurt anyone. If it goes on from there, well that is when the discussion starts. But if you are not used to guys you will never know what to say or do anyway!

On my first date I ended up with his tongue playing with my tonsils, I was in heaven. He seemed pretty happy as well

I had never kissed a guy that I liked before. Later when he, and I, wanted to go further I explained the situation in a public place (over coffee). He took me to my home, I phoned a friend saying he was with me and I explained to him why.

We then both went to Heaven.

It was his choice, I also explained what I would and would not do.

He is a man. He loves me.

Real men are real men.

But you have to give them a chance to be so

JMO

Cindy

[Shaina]

Shelly,

I can only imagine what you're going through but look at how far you've come! Don't get discouraged now. You seem like a really nice lady and any man-including your crush-would be lucky to have you. But that can't happen unless you're willing to explore the possibility of spending more time with him.

Like the others have said, nothing has to be discussed before you're ready. Same goes for how far you'd like to go with a guy during a date. Since you've said you value honesty just tell them the truth-you're shy. Anything else is none of their business until you decide to share.

Good luck girl

[FrancisAnn]

Women friends are nice to talk with if "lonely". I have several woman friends that I chat with all the time about life.

It's never easy being in the middle, good luck. I know the same feelings.

I've had numerous relations with men, just be your self if that is truly "a woman" & enjoy them. Let them take the lead & enjoy the ride girl friend.

Francis

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Shelley, I'm so sorry to hear about your dating conundrum. It's painful to experience on so many levels, and I hope you won't think my offering practical advice belittles your pain or sets me up as an expert. I've only been dating since June. I have the good fortune of having a major city that is just over an hour away. That allows me to date anonymously. I've never gone out with anyone who I did not know and whom I did not basically trust by the time we met (publicly, of course). I use a popular on-line dating service. I don't disclose my trans identity on my profile, but I usually do it on the first message exchange (I've held off until the third once or twice). It stings when a promising match says "no thanks" (and they've always been kind and polite), but I've gotten used to these little stings (laser analogy applies) and I've met enough men who don't care about my specialness AND who are appealing. They don't know my last name until far into the conversation. As I'm not stealth, there's less risk involved locally for me, but it would strike me as highly unusual if any man I've met used that as a point of revenge if things did not work out.

Again, I'm sure informing a man is a greater psychological matter for you than it is for me who is known by practically everybody in my small village of 2000 people. Whether you will be able to get past that hurdle is up to you. But the matter of losing your general stealth may be less real than you might imagine.

Best wishes to you.

Jane

[FrancisAnn]

Shelley, I'm so sorry to hear about your dating conundrum. It's painful to experience on so many levels, and I hope you won't think my offering practical advice belittles your pain or sets me up as an expert. I've only been dating since June. I have the good fortune of having a major city that is just over an hour away. That allows me to date anonymously. I've never gone out with anyone who I did not know and whom I did not basically trust by the time we met (publicly, of course). I use a popular on-line dating service. I don't disclose my trans identity on my profile, but I usually do it on the first message exchange (I've held off until the third once or twice). It stings when a promising match says "no thanks" (and they've always been kind and polite), but I've gotten used to these little stings (laser analogy applies) and I've met enough men who don't care about my specialness AND who are appealing. They don't know my last name until far into the conversation. As I'm not stealth, there's less risk involved locally for me, but it would strike me as highly unusual if any man I've met used that as a point of revenge if things did not work out.

Again, I'm sure informing a man is a greater psychological matter for you than it is for me who is known by practically everybody in my small village of 2000 people. Whether you will be able to get past that hurdle is up to you. But the matter of losing your general stealth may be less real than you might imagine.

Best wishes to you.

Jane

Jane, you are very nice. May I ask you if you are pre op or post op??? If a man has interest what are you telling him about yourself?

I just went through on line dating activity session & received so many "strange" men that I just stopped. I'm pre op & I posted on my page that was my current position. Still lots of men replied.

[Jane's Sweet Refrain]

Aw, Thanks FrancisAnn. I decide not reveal anything in my profile to avoid men who are into transwomen. There's nothing at all wrong if other women choose that route. But I want their initial attraction to be to something else in my profile. I liken it to men who are really into women for reasons that having nothing to do with them as individuals, like a man attracted to women of asian descent.

When I inform men, I tell them that I fully pass (and what that means) and that I am fully transitioned (and what that means). I also tell them that I understand if they say "no thanks' and will think only good of them. I do not tell the that I am still pre-op. I _do_ offer to answer any questions they have. The guys that have been serious about meeting me (after several days of conversation--the good ones are patient) have not asked until far into our talks. I was the one who felt like I needed to bring it up with the first man I dated because we had been out twice and both felt ready to have a night in.

I hope my gradual method doesn't sound insidious, like I'm trying to trap men. At no point would I lie if asked. And I would urge anyone to consider her safety and make sure a man knows well in advance of having her in a position where he might do harm if he was surprised.

Anyway, this method is working for me so far inasmuch as I have met interesting, accomplished, and attractive men. I feel so fortunate. I really do. But, I still have men reject me, about 6-7 of the 12 or so I've told.

[FrancisAnn]

Jane, you are very nice. The right man will come a knocking one day. As they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.

I went through some of this long ago. Men that get excited then find you are not functional to their pleasure can become mean somtimes. So I've just posted pre op however you are right that seems to bring an entire different set of "strange" men.

It's not easy & really there are no wrong or right means I guess.

I hope you have a great Sunday.

Francis

[Ltl89]

Sorry Shelly.  I can totally relate with this.  I'm still presenting male in the world, but I'm pretty fem looking and have been noticing guys are different with me.  Like they are confused or need to prove their masculinity around me.  Like they feel threatened or they are uncomfortable by my feminine presence.   I even get awkward checking out from guys. It's funny to watch, but I just wish I could meet someone and not deal with the bs.  It's been my curse to desire a traditional family in the future.  You know, meet a guy, get married, have kids, get a home.  All that's possible, but there is so much difficulties that most women don't have to dea with.  As of now, I'll probably just try and meet a bi guy and take it from there.  Perhaps it will be easier once I go full time.  For now, a girl shouldn't have to sit at home watching opera on her day off. 

I wish I had advice for you, but at the very least I can relate and hope that it's somewhat comforting to know you aren't alone.