Very, very lost.

[Wingding]

Hello, I'm new and I feel a bit silly posting but I don't know where else to ask.
I should start off by saying I'm pre everything, and I'm very lost within myself. Recently for the first time I told one of my friends how I feel regarding my gender, that I feel I'm male trapped in a girls body and she took it well enough but made me question myself.

For as long as I remember I was very boyish and felt more comfortable that way, I came across transsexuality when I was about 14 and things made sense which made me feel a lot more miserable about myself and I just couldn't accept it but I did my best to look male.
About a year ago maybe more I gradually started to repress it greatly and grew my hair long and tried my hardest to be feminine and that's the way it's been until lately. My friend was surprised because she had never heard me talk about it until now and the reason I'm very unsure is because is it normal to repress something so greatly that you almost forget about it? Has anyone else denied to themselves that they were trans so much the thought never entered your brain for a long time?
I wasn't greatly disgusted by myself in this time, I just kept trying and trying to be more feminine. But now it's all hitting me again like I've bottled it all up for a long time and I can't stand myself.

I feel as if I don't want to be female, or trans, I just want to be a cis male which I gather is quite a normal feeling. My friend thinks I'm not actually trans because I've never mentioned it before and in a way I'm not quite sure myself. 
I know this probably seems very stupid, but if anyone could offer any advice it would be great!

[LordKAT]

Welcome to Susan's.

Most of us have questioned ourselves. You are perfectly normal in doing so. The other feelings you have described are all quite common for many people.

Look around, have a cookie or 2, read some other posts and you will see what I mean. You will also learn that this site has a tendency to become your shoulder to cry on, a hug when you need it, ears when you need to just let off steam, and best of all friendship and advice that you can take and use or not use as you see fit.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Wingding,

Welcome to our little family. Over 8142 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another brother.

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Janet  )O(

[Lexicon]

Hey Buddy,

Don't know if I have any advice but I do know that most if not all of us have been down some similar road. 

Just know you're not alone.  It's an internal quest we must all make peace with.  There are an infinite number of ways to be trans, to be men, to be women and each and every person has to discover for themselves who they are and how they feel.  I know folks that have undergone full medical transition and come all the way back around to where they began.  I know other folks who transitioned and never looked back.  I know tons of people that take the pieces of transition that feel good to them and leave the rest and exist somewhere in between.

I'm pretty new here myself but I imagine that there are hundreds of people on this site that run the full spectrum of gender expression. 

You've got to trust your own internal compass, learn to let go (as much as possible) of what everyone around you is like or wants you to be like, and discover what makes you feel most alive.

It can be scary, but it doesn't have to be.  There are lots of folks here that can support you, talk you through the hard stuff and celebrate your victories with you.

I think you're anything but lost.  The only way to get there is sometimes to be uncomfortable, ask lots of questions and feel a bit lost until you find your center. 

Don't mean to be preachy, just hope you understand that even though it may feel confusing you're really doing all the right things. 

Lex

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

I understand completely, I repressed it for years. Hated myself, hated my body. I was always down, wished to die. I began to think about ways to take care of it and that's when I called for help. Unfortunately, I was unable to speak about my Gender Dysphoria. Years have gone by and I'm still seeing a therapist. I used to think every day about how easy to would be to end it. I even almost died in January (not my fault), and I was furious that I did not. Then I worked up the nerve to tell someone, anyone, for the first time. That was just days ago. Here. In my intro post.

Everyone's been so friendly and helpful. And, of course, actually admitting to the problem was so fantastic. I've been happier than I can ever remember being. I've gone from someone who found the very idea of transition insurmountable to seriously considering how I'm going to get it done.

You're not the same as everyone else, but that doesn't make you a freak or a monster. No one is the same as anyone else. You're not stupid and your friend (as well meaning as that friend is) can't know what's going on inside of you. You are male. It's okay.

Lex is right, you have to find your way, and you've already taken the first step. Good job. 

You are family now. You my brother. There is so much love and support here.

::hugs::

-maggie

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi baby brother! Welcome to the family which is what we are here, no one goes it alone. Take a deep breath and after a while you will realize we were all where you are right now. Trust us to help you down whatever road you choose to travel. There is more than enough knowledge, caring and compassion here to power your trip. Just be warned this family is VERY addictive and time flies very fast when you are here. Here is a BIG HUG to get you started. 

[~Kaiden]

I agree with everything everyone has said here.  You are not alone!

I remember when I first started feeling like I should have been born a boy.  I think I must have been about 4 or 5.  I started refusing to wear dresses and I even remember getting mad once when my cousin refereed to me as a 'she' (we were all playing a video game, racing 2 player on Sonic 2 I think, so I was in super duper boy mode, totally threw off my game  ).  I learned what transsexuals were in my teens, probably the same age as you were.  I developed a secret fascination with it, but I could never bring myself to acknowledge that I might actually be trans myself.  I always told myself that I'm just a tomboy, that I'm fine with living as a girl.  But as I got older, the feelings increased and I hated being a girl more and more.  Probably because I was trying harder and harder to fit into the social norm.  Until the day the feelings got so strong, I couldn't ignore them anymore.  I got depressed, and decided to try to find some help.  I found myself on this forum.  That was only a few days ago.

It's amazing how much has changed for me in such a short time.   This is a fantastic community of people, the best I have ever encountered by far.   I'm still figuring things out, but I feel so much better just being here and knowing I'm not alone. 

Welcome Wingding   I hope you find this place as helpful as I do!