A Familiar Rub

[Tanya W]

Hey All,

Just got home from work tonight and feeling down. It's that 'familiar rub' I'm experiencing - bummed by being less than myself with the others I interacted with this evening, by holding this 'secret' inside (sometimes it feels waaaaaay inside) and presenting this 'face' to the world.

At one point I was talking with a woman, for instance, and I just wanted to reach out, touch her forearm and say, 'You know, I'm just like you!' Of course I didn't. I just kept talking away in the manner I am used to, in the manner I think is expected of me, feeling a little less real with each word.

This comes up a lot for me - hence the word 'familiar' - and I am not at all certain how to work with it. When I am by myself, I can stop what I'm doing, settle into my sense of my body, and begin to relax with who I am. With others, though, it's way more difficult. I actually tried it with my therapist for the first time recently and, even in that safe, supportive space, it was a challenge.

Anyone else know the rub? Anyone else find ways of working with this?

[suzifrommd]

Your rub's got a name. It's called social dysphoria.

I suffered from it a lot. Totally gone away since I've gone full time (obviously), but I used to go out periodically dressed female. I joined a women's reading group that advertised they welcomed transgender women. That had the duel effect of satisfying some of my appetite for sisterhood but also whetting my appetite for doing a whole lot more of that.

I also found some female friends with whom I could share my secret and who got to know me well enough to see the girl inside.

I hope this helps, Tanya. It was not a good time for me.

[Tanya W]

Your rub's got a name. It's called social dysphoria.

Hi Suzy, many thanks. Everything you have offered is helpful.

The piece about social dysphoria, though, really blew the doors open. Before I started this thread, I searched and searched the forums for something that resonated with how I was feeling. I looked under 'depression' and 'authentic', 'integrity' and 'false self'. Nothing really hit the mark, so I posted the above. After reading your offering, I searched 'social dysphoria' and - bingo!

This is and has been such a huge part of my life. My therapist once asked what is hardest for me. Much to choose from, but what came up that day was this: Hanging around with a group of women (it has been known to happen!) and feeling us all relax into the conversation. I relax into the conversation, to a certain extent 'forget' myself. Then one of the group says, "Oh my God. I can't believe we are talking this way with you - you're a guy!" Ugh.

I could offer so many examples of this sort of thing, all of them extremely painful. I try to put on a good face about it - joke, shrug, change the subject or whatever. But it hurts so much. And that rub can get so darn depressing, which was the case last night.

So thanks very much for writing, it all helps. And having a label for this feeling makes a difference.