I'm currently having an anxiety attack, lorazepam shoved down my throat and trying to control the tears. But my throat keeps hurtin, which means I'm straining to keep control.
I have changed my aspecte in every aspect I can, but voice always genders me male, but not to others: To me. I can't feel female when I hear that stupid voice coming out. Just listening to a recording is enough to trigger panic and hate
I'm tired of transition. It nevers get easy, just a battle. I find no help from the therapists, and I'm economically exhausted. Living on my own up to my head in bills, never having time, always depressed. I look to the mirror and is horrible, not to mention naked. I head my voice and tremble. I can't pay for all the clothes, shoes, everything I need just to be able to leave, not counting the make up products, cleaning, creams... I can't expend the smallest amount of money in giving myself a gift, every month arriving in a far worse status than the other, my savings diminishing. HRT and the rest of meds are extremely expensive, but...
Money for this, for that. FFS, you pay it. GRS, you pay it or wait ten years to get a botched job in health care. need real help with the voice? The only ever online voice training in my language is so expensive per hour I would go bankrup in three weeks. I can't visit people, travel or have a holidays.
The more you wait to transition, the harder it gets. I feel like everything about me is wrong and everything needs to be changed, in a continuous money making scheme. I have no time or money to pay for more education, and little to no possibilities of getting a better job. Just being myself is draining me of all my money. I'm strangled and I can't even save money. Damn, I can't even afford coffee.
I live in hell since the dysphoria worsened to the point of being impossible to control. In these moments I go thinking again that a bullet is quicker and cheaper.
