How to explain genderqueer to parents?

[androgynouspainter26]

So I know this is technically a forum for people who identify as androgynous, but given that I look androgynous and that there isn't really a section for GQ peoples, here is as good a place as any.  I identify as genderqueer, but it's a weird situation because while I feel that my GENDER is nether male nor female, my SEX should be female; I'm trying to figure out how to put this in terms my folks will understand.  They think I'm classic MtF, though they're having my doubts after seeing me in a bowtie...it's an issue because I need their financial support to transition.  How have any of you handled this?  Gotten past the "there are two sexes in nature" thing?  Gotten neutral pronouns to be used? 

[Red Leicester]

Hey androgynouspainter, I really like your look!

The way you dress (or your "gender presentation") as it is called, is not necessarily an indication of your gender identity.

Does wearing a hat, tie, vest, and trousers make Diane Keaton a man??  Or a fashion trend-setter?  LOL



I guess the big bag is a feminine give-away!  <must remember that>

What about this?



Let your parents think you are M2F and get your body fixed the way you want it.  Then live your life.

[suzifrommd]

Here's how I justify being genderqueer and living as a woman.

We genderqueer people have the right to present in whatever way and inhabit whatever type of body is natural to us.

We have just as much right as every other transgender or transsexual person to transition to the lives and bodies that we are most comfortable with.

Being genderqueer or non-binary does not doom us to the the sidelines having to watch those who strongly identify with one binary gender or the other resolve their dysphoria by changing themselves while we wish we could join in.

Don't know if this will help you with your parents, but when I realized this, it made me feel a lot more certain I was going in the right direction. When I'm more certain in my own mind, it makes it much easier to explain it to others.

Good luck AP26. Please let us know how it goes.

[androgynouspainter26]

I made a go for it over dinner; It went pretty much how I expected, but I made full use of the Diane Keaton reference, so it wasn't ALL bad.  I'm a bit farther from getting the money for surgery than I was, but other than that they took it sort of well.  Not using pronouns or anything, but at least I don't have to watch my wardrobe anymore around them (I already played that game once before and god knows I'm NOT doing that again).  Anyhow, thanks.  It's quite remarkable to actually communicate with other people who have had similar experiences.

[Kendall]

If I remember correctly, from 05 to 06 this was called genderqueer talk. It had only like 15 posts. Emerald got them to change to Androgyne if I remember correctly which was received much better, and it grew rapidly. Androgyne as a specific gender identity of genderqueer and non-binary umbrella terms. Here is susan's wiki on terms and some that you will see from time to time

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Androgyne
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Androgyny
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Androgynous
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Genderqueer
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Bigender
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Non-binary
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Null_gender
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Neutrois

Welcome to the forest.

Kendall

[Tanya W]

Hey AP, I would counsel patience and persistence - for now (which means, I suppose, as long as the situation is not making you totally crazy!).

It is hard for any of us to understand something we have no experience with and gender is a big one in this regard. While more and more people are developing some sense of 'transgender', in those I have run into the sense is pretty narrow. This means that any gender identity outside 'boy wants to be girl' and 'girl wants to be boy' is still hard for folks to grasp.

From what you have shared, I get the feeling (1) you have a good head on your shoulders and (2) your parents are pretty decent people. This is a good combination and, with time, I suspect you will be able to share more of yourself with them.

In the meantime, what you have said is right on - for anyone trans, this is a great place to be.

[eli77]

Sorry this is kind of late, but still... another similar experience if it helps.

Yo. I'm a post-transition trans female, but lacking the whole gender identity deal. As you said, I always understood how my body should be, but that doesn't really relate to how I understand gender (I don't).

With my folks I decided to just try to keep it straight enough for them to get. I stuck mainly to talking about the issue: i.e. my body. And I kept to the "all kinds of different women people" to explain my weirdness. Eventually I gave a bit more detail about how I see gender, but that was after they'd gotten a lot more used to me. So I went pretty slow.

It also helps that I'm queer, so I think eventually they kind of managed to classify me as "lesbian" and get over how I dress/behave. I did have a rough time early on with a lot of pressure on how to be a proper "woman." And ended up getting into a couple of fights with my folks about that when I insisted on wearing clothes from the guy section of the store. Blah. But it was always super clear for them that I needed to fix my body; the argument was more over what kind of female I'd end up being.

But it worked out pretty well in the end. Heh, my mum bought me a men's necklace for my last birthday. And she says I'm rubbing off on her. She buys men's button ups sometimes now, cause they are super comfy.

I don't really care enough about the pronoun thing to get worked up over it. Honestly, I feel I don't live in a time or place where getting people to call me "they" is a reasonable ask. Maybe in another decade. I figure I'm closer to "she" what with the whole living in society as a girl as far as most people are concerned, so I just go with that.

[androgynouspainter26]

Hey-Sarah:  Thanks for your late reply; it's appreciated.  I can identify with most everything you said in that story (except the men's shirts-I'm already broke enough!).  I've sort of gotten them to the point where I can say "transsexual people can like the same things normal people do!  Like vests and bow-ties".  I suspect that progress will come with time; they're not nearly as hard headed as they could be; right now, I'm still trying to gain their financial support for transition, but after that...who knows?  Anyhow, thanks for the anecdote; you've given me a small hope which is actually a big deal right now.  So thanks.

[eli77]

No problem. Always nice to meet someone who shares a few things with me on the whole gender/sex thing. Doesn't happen so often, really. And, ya, your folks sound pretty solid. As long as they love you more than they love their idea of you, you're all good. It'll take time, but they'll come around. Especially as they see you getting more comfortable in your skin. That was the big turning point for mine. They are all totally on board and feel really positive about my transition and who I've become these days.

And, dude, but men's shirts are super cheap compared to women's! Better quality too. Thrift stores are particularly handy.