Time To Finally Say 'It'

[Tanya W]

I have been mulling this over since reading some posts last night and earlier today. I actually almost got out of bed around 3 am in order to do this, but the pull of a warm comforter was just a bit too much! 'I'll do it tomorrow,' I told myself, all full of good intentions. Much of today has been going back and forth on this...

Though I have struggled with my experience of gender since forever, though the issue has been pretty near the front of the line these last several years, very much front and centre for about eighteen months, I have never identified as transgendered. I have reluctantly used terms like 'gender situation' and 'gender variant' and 'gender incongruent' - all of which have had their value - but I have never used any overtly 'trans' terminology in pointing to my own experience/identity.

There's a lot of fear in this fact. A whole lot of judgement. Tons of uncertainty. I mean 'transgendered' is a pretty big tent! Where, exactly, do I fit beneath this enormous canopy? Over there? Over here? Certainly not in that direction!?!

This has come up in therapy, how I seem to lack a language - or have not embraced a language - that adequately expresses my experience. In a totally appropriate moment my therapist observed, 'In the absence of adequate language, you kind of don't exist.' Which is how I have felt for so very, very long: Like I don't exist. And like any bits of me that do somehow see the light of day are totally freakish and flawed and unlovable and...

Well, since coming here not too long ago something in this sense of not existing has shifted. I have read posts by others that have so totally resonated with my own experience in ways I never thought possible. I have had folks reply to some of what I've written with words that I have never, ever heard before - 'I know what you are going through', 'That pretty much describes me', and so on.

All of which has brought me to a place where I finally want and am able to say what I have never said before. It feels like it is time. It feels like I am ready to exist just a little bit more, to - dare I say it - live just a little more fully! So here goes:

My name is Tanya and I am transgendered.   

   

[Robin Mack]

*hugs*

I'm literally typing through tears right now (it's been an emotional day).  Congratulations, Tanya, and welcome.  It's not an easy road, but for some of us it's the only road that can lead to fulfillment.

It took me some time, too.  Know this, you are *not* alone, and you are loved.

[Devlyn]

<All in unison>  Hi Tanya!

We had an article here awhile back about  "transgendered" which I was guilty of using. It pointed out that you wouldn't call President Obama "blacked" or call someone from Rome "Italianed"

Alright, class is over! Hugs, Devlyn

[Jessica Merriman]

Robin, save me some tissue's! I am crying like a newborn!

Tanya I am so proud of you!!! I know what it took to say that out loud, but you did it girl! You have taken a giant, high heeled step in becoming who you know inside you need to be. I am happy, crying and remembering when I said that myself. You are my new sister now and a member of our family. I don't know how you found us, but now that you have you have so much support now it may be a little overwhelming at times. You will find all of the support, knowledge, caring and fun you will need to be successful and smart about your quest. I so look forward to getting to know you better around here. PM me if you ever need anything at all. First, here is a "BIG HUG" to start your new journey with.

[sarahb]

Congrats Tanya on finally conquering one of the biggest hurdles...coming out to yourself! Wherever that leads you on your path to happiness, at least you are stronger now having at least said those words and being able to move forward.

[ambiguousinlife]

congrats Tanya!

[Constance]

My pastor once told me, "Words are powerful; they create our reality." Language is the primary tool I use to understand the world around me and to describe myself. I don't think its so much that you didn't exist without adequate language, but it can be very hard to find one's place without it.

Yes, saying it gives it weight, gives it substance.

Welcome to the kindred.

[of a sort]

You are now assimilated, welcome to the hive...

[VeronicaLynn]

Hi Tanya!

*hugs*

I like transgendered as the noun form, at least, if for no reason other than nouns ending in r are usually occupations. I don't think that is our occupation, though I might be a little preoccupied with it at times.

[JLT1]

The largest step is over.  Congrads.....

Hugs,

Jen

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

Beautiful, Tanya. You're still not alone, I'm transgender, too. 

Your bravery knows no limits. Yay!

love,
-maggie

[Tanya W]

How do you feel now?

Hey All,

Many, many thanks for the support and encouragement and comments. There has been so much to assimilate over the last twenty-four hours. Joules' question has been resonating strongly throughout: How do I feel?

Tired is the first thing that comes to mind. Like I have suddenly released a lifetime of tension and am feeling the cost of the enormous effort I have exerted for so long. My cells honestly feel like they are aching - each and every one of them! There's a nice quality to this release - say 'Ahhhh' - but also a heightened sense of the not so nice sense rub that exists between the body I know I have been given and the body/mind I often feel from the inside.

Naked is the second way I feel right now. Here's the secret I have held since I was maybe eight years old - before I knew about gender or trans or any of this stuff, back when I knew only that there were 'boys' and there were 'girls' and something about this set up both felt very wrong and very sad to me. So here it is out in the open: I am trans. Oh my god, it felt like peeling off skin to come back in this forum today.

Which perhaps brings me to the third reply I can offer Joules' question: Thankful. What a great thing to have a therapist who suggests I explore 'speaking' out in an online forum. What a great thing to find a forum that feels to fit. What a great thing to be able to say 'it' in a way that feels safe, protected, supported, okay for me. What a great thing to feel naked. Painful - yes. Awkward - yes. But I never expected to feel this way, ever. It's kind of like I'm a little more alive today.

And exhausted I say, circling back to the beginning. Off to bed it is for me. Perhaps I'll watch a movie as I doze. Let myself be wrapped in a warm comforter, supported by a bunch of pillows. Good night all. I am sure we will speak again.

 

[Jessica Merriman]

I am sure we will speak again.

Of course we will baby! Family members talk to each other all the time and you ARE family. You were adopted! Now we get to find out ALL about you and you US. Sleep well baby girl! BIG HUG! 

[Gina Taylor]

Hi Tanya and welcome to Susan's.

Here you'll find a lot of great information and a lot of great people to share your accomplishments with and your stories with.

Welcome to our family 

[MaryXYX]

Congratulation Tanya, and hugs from me too!  If you accept that "transgender" is a wide ranging description it should be easier.  We don't all follow the same path by any means, but I think we all agree we are not where society wants to put us.

[Incarlina]

I agree with what many others have said; coming out to yourself is the biggest step. Because that means you're the first person who accepts you for who you are

*big hugs*

[gennee]

Hi Tanya and congrats to on your coming out to yourself. I didthe same thing over eight years ago. From then to now it's been full speed ahead.

[Ciara]

A big WELCOME to you Tanya. You are in a good place with lots of friends to offer love and support.
You are safe here.
Love,
Ciara.

[Rachel]

Welcome Tanya,

The hardest part is to start, welcome.

[izzy]

i am fairly new here too, and enjoy the journey once you begin.