Need some moral support

[kaylagirl0806]

 It helps a little. I just want to be me.

[bethany]

Kayla, You can not go through life trying to please everyone else. You need to live your life for you. If you are not happy with yourself how can you expect to make others happy? And don't you think others will sense that something is weighing you down?

You are young yet, you should find yourself and do whats right for you. 
Live your life as you see fit.

[kaylagirl0806]

 Thanks for the support Bethany

[Jennygirl]

You might be surprised- just because someone is very religious does not mean that they won't accept and support ->-bleeped-<-. There are links everywhere, and a lot of people go through this or know someone that has gone through it. I was so surprised when my [very Christian and very Midwestern] mom's side of the family accepted me with open arms- I had been thinking I would be somewhat ridiculed when I came out to them... but not at all.

I second the suggestions to ask for therapy, but it is all in the delivery of the request that matters right now because you don't want to upset things at home. Maybe instead of focusing on the fact that what you feel inside is that you are female, focus on explaining to them the growing anxiety it causes you in life and the need to talk with someone experienced about it.

Maybe even say something to them like, "I need to know if what I feel inside of me is real, because I can sense that it is beginning to feel like a burden and I want to nip it in the bud now before it becomes a problem"... So basically avoiding the parts that they are not ready to believe yet and instead talking about a growing discomfort you have with yourself. Avoid being so decidedly trans, and they will likely let you have your therapy in hopes that it will "fix" you. Even if your goal is to not be "fixed" in the way that they would like (for you to remain cis male), a therapist is the first and strongest step towards proper treatment. Depending on where you live, therapy IS the first door you have to walk through if you do decide to transition. So, you might as well at least try to ring the doorbell now

In the case with loving parents (which you obviously have) they almost always do come to accept you- and it doesn't even have to be hard. The therapist is your ticket in, because I agree that hearing it from a professional is likely going to help them accept it sooner.

In the meantime try to allow them to see the discomfort it causes you, but don't at all become a burden on them. If they can easily see you are still trying to succeed and are failing or frustrated, they will become concerned. However conversely if they see you becoming a ball of negativity that complains about everything, they probably won't like it too much. Either way as loving parents they will eventually have to give in and let you have your therapy. You have more say in it than you might imagine.

Don't worry, stay strong, and thoughtfully communicate your discomfort to your parents. It may take a little effort on your part, but over time they will get it and you will be able to get the ball rolling. I can tell that you are a sweet individual, and because of that I am very confident you're going to get through this just fine

[kaylagirl0806]

 Jenny, Wow! Thank you so much for the great advice. I'm actually living in the Midwest so I can connect.

[Jamie D]

       My name is Kayla and I joined this wonderful family just yesterday. I love it here! I attempted to come out to my parents last year by writing them a letter, but unfortunately they talked to me about it and did indeed convince me for a short while that I was not transgender and that it was just hormones and it was completely normal.
      Honestly, that lasted all of about two weeks and I started to feel the desire for femininity again. In short, my parents do not believe me and it's literally killing me to have to act masculine around them all the time. I really would appreciate it so much if some people could give me some ways of feeling feminine around the house even when my parents are there. Also, some ways of expressing my femininity at school (high school) that will not cause all of my friends to turn on me and start calling me gay and making fun of me. In some ways it has gotten to the point where I feel I must limit myself because of what other people might think of me.
Kayla

Hi Kayla.  I'm trans.  I'm also a parent, so I can understand how your parents reacted they way they did last year.

You really need to be the authentic you.  I don't want to lose any more of my younger sisters and brothers here.  I care for each and every one of them, like my own kids.

If one of my kids had come to me and said they were transgendered, say 7 years ago, I think I might have related, from my own experiences at that age, but I would have sought out a counselor for them.  I am not going to risk my own kid's life because I don't "get it."

My suggestion to you would be to tell your parents that your gender issues are persistent, and that you don't think this is a "phase."  Tell them you would like to speak with a professional, neutral, counselor.  I do know they will be concerned.  They might even be frightened or confused.  That is why you have to be steadfast.

I am not a professional counselor.  But have I have never heard of a cisperson having this sort of gender dysphoria long-term.  That should be a clue.

I wish you the best, hon.

[kaylagirl0806]

Thank You Jamie

[Miyuki]

I think you've been getting some really great advice here. The only thing I have to add is just to reaffirm what a few others have said. Deal with this now. Do whatever it takes to let you feel good about yourself and the way you relate to the world. Don't try to repress yourself to make other people happy, or to fit in better. It will only make you miserable in the long run. Take it from someone with a little experience in that area. Just be yourself. If anyone has a problem with it, it's their problem, not yours.

I can't tell you what it will take to make you feel good about yourself. Only you can do that. But I think based on what you've said, getting counseling should definitely be your first priority. But whatever you do, don't listen to other people too much. Figure out what it is you want and go for it. If someone tells you what you're doing is wrong, don't let them talk you into believing it. As long as what you're doing isn't hurting anyone, they have no basis for questioning it other than their own personal bias. It's going to be tough sometimes, but at the very least, if you do your best now, you'll have nothing to regret in the future.

[Jill F]

Just remember- those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

We all lose friends and family over this, but frankly, I'm one to say "good riddance" to those who mind.  Life's too short.

[Jennygirl]

Jenny, Wow! Thank you so much for the great advice. I'm actually living in the Midwest so I can connect.

I think I did sense the midwest in you because it's in me too

Anyway that's great! What part? I grew up near Dayton and lived in Columbus for a long while, too.

It seems like our families might be quite similar and I'm glad to be able to offer you some advice.

What made me think of it was this moment during HS when I was really coming to terms with my own feeling of gender discomfort and tried to ask for therapy. As soon as I was in front of my parents ready to speak, I crumbled and couldn't do it. Instead, I told them I had tried marijuana which I knew would concern them. The good part was that they brought me to a counselor who I eventually talked to about my gender non-conforming tendencies- and it was nice to have at least one person I could talk to. The problem was, I had no idea what gender non-conforming even was at the time- and neither did he (he was a drug counselor ). That is another thing, make sure you seek help from a therapist that specializes in gender. If I had been given proper help, it would have been obvious that I was trans. With unspecialized help, I was told I had a fetish which made me bottle it up trying to ignore it for over a decade longer. Not that I'm complaining, though. I don't have any regrets because I've been expressing myself in my own way the whole time- even if it was more difficult and in private for a while

And on that note...

It's going to be tough sometimes, but at the very least, if you do your best now, you'll have nothing to regret in the future.

+1

THIS

Simply cannot agree more!

[kaylagirl0806]

 I'm from the Kansas City area
Kisses,
Kayla

[Alice Rogers]

They wouldn't throw me out or disown me. As for the therapist, I like the idea but I'm not sure how they would act.

A good therapist will find the truth of your dsyphoria, in that way he/she would in fact help you to help your parents understand.

[kaylagirl0806]

Thanks for the feedback Alex

[kaylagirl0806]

 Thanks for the support Miyuki

[kaylagirl0806]

 I added you to my buddy list Jenny
Midwesterners!
Kayla

[Kiwi4Eva]

I'm from the Kansas City area

In the early 90's I lived in Columbia (mid Missouri) a college town.  I came home saying things like "do what now", and my table manners have changed (LOL) I never could chop my food up with the side of my fork, now I find myself doing it...and no one else does it here.  Talk about embarrassing LOL 

[kaylagirl0806]

Lol

[Cindy]

Hi Kayla

I work (unpaid as a support therapist for families with transgender children and have the pleasure of meeting families who are trying to deal with their much loved child who is going through changes and life that they as parents cannot understand.

They have common feelings. One which is very high is 'will my child be accepted?' 'will my child be able to have a normal life?' 'what do we do to make our child happy?'

They meet me. A transgender woman who is a Prof, who is successful, happy and outgoing, who lives her life and who is treated as a very normal woman. Usually I end up in a situation with a mother who realizes she has a daughter and looks forward to loving her and a father who becomes very protective of his new daughter and who walks as proudly as any new Dad can.

It is as big if not bigger journey for them as it is for you. It takes time, but it happens.

Tell your parents how unhappy you are and that you need to see a gender therapist.

The first step is the biggie.

Your Mum and Dad love you. You are their much loved offspring.

Talk to them, quietly, in private and in confidence. Tell them you need to talk. Then talk and spill your heart out.

Hugs
Cindy

[SunKat]

Hi Kayla,

I agree that you should be taking this up with a therapist.  Aside from helping you to deal with this, a good therapist can also help your parents to understand what you are going through and hopefully become more supportive.  More importantly, you may be able to get on T-blockers and avoid any additional masculinization.

While this is the ideal option, you yourself are still the best judge of whether this is a topic you can discuss with your parents.  It could turn out either better than you expect or worse than you can imagine.

If you still can't tell your parents then, depending on your state, you may still be able to go to a therapist and be treated as an adult under HIPPA for purposes of disclosure.   The best way to determine what the laws are in your state are to call a local gender therapist and ask them what their policies and requirements are for disclosure and informed consent.  You will still need to come up with payments to keep this on the QT, but some states have disclosure exceptions for minors seeking therapy.

That said... if you feel like you are at a roadblock here until you turn 18, there are still things you can do while you wait.

1) If you are worried about your friends making fun of you at school... make some new friends.  See if your High School has some sort of Gay-Straight alliance group that you can join.  If not at your high school, see if there is a youth group in your community.   The whole social acceptance thing doesn't necessarily get better after high school so you may as well start looking now for friends and allies who will accept you for who you are.

2) Sorry to say, but the same goes for your girlfriend...  If you truly intend to transition then it is a bit unfair to bring your girlfriend along for the ride without telling her up front.  Transitioning is hard, but it will be hard for her as well if she decides to stay with you through your transition.  You need to give her the opportunity to decide for herself if this is something she is willing to deal with.   If you still can't bear to tell her... Well at least don't lead her on.

3) Improve your hygiene.  Being girly requires a lot of maintenance.  Set up a beauty routine for your hair, skin and nails.  There are a lot of things you can do without blowing your 'guy' cover.  Guys can be fashionable too.  Use sunscreen and moisterizer... buff your nails... do something different with your hair each month... dress nicely... lose weight if you need to...   Think of being a fashionable guy as the dress rehearsal for being a fashionable girl.  If your friends give you grief, see step 1.

4) Drop any "guy" activities that you don't enjoy but feel peer pressured into doing.  Hate Sports? Then don't feel like you have to play 'em or talk about 'em. Find other more neutral interests that you do enjoy.

5) Develop some job skills.  If you suspect your parents will cut you off when you turn 18 and start transitioning, prepare ahead of time to support yourself.  Get a part-time job and save up for therapy, or moving out or to pay for college... or whatever else you may want to do.  If you become financially self-sufficient then it's possible to petition to become an emancipated minor, in which case you'll be able to make your own life decisions before age 18.

6) Work on your feminine voice.  This is another great step to take when you don't have the resources or freedom to immediately pursue your transition.  Search Youtube for "transgender female voice" for some great how-to's

7) Join your High School Drama Club.  You'll probably meet a number of great and supportive people there... plus it gives you free license to play with makeup.

8 Look for options and support outside of your current community or church.  You mentioned that your parents and your girlfriend's family are christian. If being christian is a large part of your family's identity then find a progressive and LGBT tolerant church to join.  Invite your parents to attend church with you. Surrounding them with more tolerant role models may help to them to become less intolerant.

9) Become serious about becoming a responsible and independent adult.  Start making plans for your future and working towards them.  When you tell your parents about your decision to transition it will be harder for them to discount it as a phase or a mistake if they see you making other responsible decisions and working towards becoming independent.  Best Case... they'll be worried but will still respect you.  Worst Case... you'll be well set up to make a go of life on your own.

10) Join a social dance club.  Learning to partner dance can teach you poise and grace and can introduce you to  lot of interesting people.  I'd recommend checking out Blues Dance, Swing Dance and Blues Fusion social dance groups.  In my experience these are the ones that are most open to having either gender leading or following.
You'll definitely want to avoid the more macho latin and tango scenes though.

I'm sure others can come up with some additional ideas.  The important thing is to feel like you are moving forward towards your goal.

All said, do look into therapy as soon as you can though.

[kaylagirl0806]

 Thanks Ladies for all the great advice you've given me so far
Keep it coming.
Kisses,
Kayla