Well, thank you all for the ongoing discussion. I did write a letter to a friend about a month ago, but I did not send it...yet. I think joanna's articulation is what I wish I had, "We are not all who we may seem to be. When you look at someone often you see only what is on the outside. But we all have inner thoughts and feelings that for one reason or another we can't always share with others. At least not until the time is right."
I actually started: "To put this in a letter is so cliché. However, I do not yet know of a better way to convey the following that does not create more anxiety than I can handle..."
then I go on in a story format that everyone is familiar with me using to then get to my point about half a page into the letter: "I think you will agree that for 22 years I have done an adequate job living up to my obligation to present myself as a boy and young man. At times this can be easy, and at times this can be hard, however I am now coming to accept that this was all wrong."
I really want to do this in person butI know but I cannot handle that yet.
Actually, I will just post the whole letter Comments are appreciated but I will probobly just rewrite the whole thing again more to the point but in the same style. Stuff in blueI am not happy with and will change when I think of something better:
----LETTER----
To put this in a letter is so cliché. However, I do not yet know of a better way to convey the following that does not create more anxiety than I can handle. And I know better than anyone, the more you write, the better you become at doing so. Also please remember that this letter is confidential, well at this point in time anyway.
You gave articulation to something that has troubled me for a long time. I do so many things out of unjust obligation, and miss many things for which I have a desire. It is not like I have not understood what forces cause me to act, it has just that I lacked a real description of the process. As I suspected you noticed, there was something bothering me during our conversations on the topic that I just could not vocalize. You brought me a way to explain something I can finally share with you:
So, I was born on the afternoon on August first in Hillcrest Hospital in Cleveland. Presumably, or at least the stereotypical story would have it that I was immediately wrapped in a blue blanket. This simple symbolic action has dictated every expectation for me since that point. We live in a society where one's sexual organs sit at the core of every obligation, from the type of toys one is expected to play with to the field of study pursued. Moreover, one has an obligation to conform to this gender role in order to maintain an acceptance.
I think you will agree that for 22 years I have done an adequate job living up to my obligation to present myself as a boy and young man. At times this can be easy, and at times this can be hard, however I am now coming to accept my long time feelings that this was all wrong. This is something that I and everyone else who was ever in my position knows was wrong since his or her first memories. However, it is rationalized in one's own mind as a phase or some urge of insanity that can be ignored or even that everyone experiences the same internal struggle. So what is different now? I realized after that gender is an aspect of identity and not the social ramifications of a physicality. Also, I realized that I am running out of time, more figuratively than literally, but what I mean is that my life will not stop and wait for me. Nonetheless, the road ahead is a rocky unpredictable journey called "transition" and I can use all the the friends I have.
There have been so many things keeping me from reaching this point of acceptance and action about my own identity. I feared loosing everything; from the sports of running and triathlon to my place in The Administration; everything. Then I had the epiphany, and over the last month or so all of my fears and inhibitions have started falling in place and the answers just appear. Do not think, however, that this is a new development. I knew that I would reach this inevitability for many years, and I have understood the process for this point and forth for just about as long. In fact, since I knew that it was possible to transition from one gender to another, I knew I would one day reach a point of action. Often I think that this would have been so easy if I was still seven, ten, or even twelve years old, but I have been there, and it seemed even harder then.
So many things are now clear.
As you articulated, "the only reason to do something is a desire to do so." Well, the desire lies with living in the gender that I can only feel is correctly mine, and I have worked to burry. This 22 year desire to be myself is hidden very well under years and years of obligation to those who raised me and the society in which I was raised. However, now I question how much of the obligation I had perceived and how much was really there. Being transgendered is not a choice, it is an aspect of identity one is born with and will die with still intact. The only choice is to accept or repress identity and I have finally reached the point where I accept it.
I have no idea what you are thinking now. You may be wondering how you could have known me for almost 18 years and never knew, or you may have suspected this all along. You may be confusing gender identity with sexuality. I bet you thought that you would never know someone in the situation I am experiencing. More than anything else, I suspect you are wondering what happens now and what steps I have already taken.
Finally, this is the point when you drop what you are doing and call me. I want you to know that I will answer ANY questions you have about ANYTHING. Yes, anything. This is my last secret. As I wrote, I have no idea what you are thinking now. I do want you to know, however, that you are number one on my list of around three hounded people to whom I need to communicate my real identity. I would like to now, instead of later, identify who is in my circle of friends and who is dead weight. There is no doubt I will loose friends, but I suspect I will also find friends I didn't know I had. As Dan and I have always agreed, we are going to have one interesting high school reunion.
