A moral obligation to tell?

[Chynna]

In someone else opinion being born a male might be considered a "horrible scary secret" No matter how much of a woman you actually are...or how many operations you had to biologically become one. The fact remains your past cannot be changed and for some people that reality of the past might have a significant bearing on the present

So for someone to say "its not a big deal, or relavant" is to look at the encounter with that person from a one sided point of view wouldn't you say?
Sure, it may not be a scary secret to you but take into consideration the other individuals feelings on the matter.

one of the most fragilist things is a man's ego (especially a straight one's) just marinate on that thought for a second.

I just think as a "group" we have an obligation to take other people's thoughts into consideration when interacting with them on a intimate physical level.
Afterall we ask no less of society and people in general when they deal with us! That they take our thoughta and feelings of being "out of gender" into consideration. So why can't or shouldn't we take the intiative to do the same?

[Suzy]

I'm assuming they're responsible adults who are interacting with a women they have decided to have sex with. I don't owe them my life story, they're responsible for their own decisions. Why make excuses for them?

Well I guess this is the crux of the matter.  If you don't mind not having all of those other stigmas you mention withheld from you, I guess it is fair to make this statement in return.

I understand and respect your view but could never personally operate with that particular morality.  It's just not for me.  But I wish you luck and safety.

Kristi

[tinkerbell]

Well, I'm not very fond of "casual encounters", so in my case, I don't think I would face such a situation.  However, I believe that a person who is romatically involved with you deserves to know the truth about your past history.  It's just a matter of honesty, plain and simple.

tink

[asiangurliee]

The reason I think there is no moral obligation is because I don't think being transsexual is a moral issue. If we don't believe there is anything immoral about being transsexual, than there is no moral obligation to disclose that history to another person.

[mavieenrose]

The reason I think there is no moral obligation is because I don't think being transsexual is a moral issue. If we don't believe there is anything immoral about being transsexual, than there is no moral obligation to disclose that history to another person.

Personally I don't think there's anything at all immoral about being a woman who was once a transsexual boy, however just like Tink I do think that it's best to try to have relationships that are based on honesty.

I simply wouldn't feel comfortable with myself if I tried to construct an imaginary past for myself that I never actually had and I can't begin to imagine the energy it must take to feed the lie.

I went to a boy's secondary school, I was forced to share communal showers with boys after physical education classes (yuck! disgusting thought!), I didn't learn netball until I was 23 unlike my girl friends, I never got to experience my first period, my mum never took me shopping for a trainer bra, etc. etc. 

These are all facts that mean I'm a slightly different kind of woman today to the average woman I see around me; facts that don't make me immoral, but do make me me.

And then of course sometimes I can feel sad and vulnerable just because I was born trans. For example, my not having children is a pain I carry with me most days...  Thank goodness there are people close to me in my life that understand the reasons for my pain and are there to help me.

Basically, any (non-casual) partner of mine needs to have access to all the facts, so that they can love me and support me as I fully deserve.

MVER XXX

[Keira]

I have no opposition to telling, I just have an opposition to tell that early like its a make or break thing. Nobody seems to be commenting on that point.

Telling at some point, and having to tell up front, first, second, third date, before the first kiss, etc... If you have to tell before sex, why not before kissing, don't you think the guy will find less problematic to have kissed a "former man", if that's the problem.

If it was not for society's homophobia, telling would assuredly be an entirely optional thing, like many other things of our past. But, because of that context, it has some "other" layer that I don't like at all. I don't feel like a woman at all when I have to tell a guy on the third date just as we're really getting into it, knowing each other, that hey, by the way, I'm an ex-guy... Of course, I could push out intimity until the 10th date... But very few do that and again why should I...

How do you know in the first few date that some guy you meet will end up being a long term relationship. Do you really want to open up that much to a quasi stranger.

For me its not a moral issue at all, I'll tell about that eventually because its a part of me; others may not tell, I don't see that as bad either if its not relevant to their current life.

Anyway, I am so afraid of always being alone. Because I've already been alone all my life, that these issues really make me boil. So pardon my being redundant.

[Kat]

I'm in an interesting situation in that I have not even dated before, so I am entirely inexperienced in that regard.  I would like to start having a relationship of some kind, but due to my inexperience I'm not really sure how I would go about talking about my past. 

I agree that relationships should be about honesty, and I don't know if I could ever not tell someone I was in a relationship with.  On one hand I think if I tell them earlier in the relationship, then I will know if that person is even worth still seeing.  On the other hand I fear that if they react poorly, then there is the chance of violence, or at the least someone who I now know I didn't really want to know, knows about my past.

I probably worry too much, but I think its a valid worry 
I am a newbie when it comes to relationships 

[Nero]

If we do believe (and personally, I do) that a TG woman is every bit a woman, why would we not want to celebrate that with a person we might want to become intimate with? 

Well, if it's a serious relationship, I see your point. But, just random sexual encounters or even booty call regulars - if a girl is post-op, I can see why she wouldn't tell. Because too many people out there will never accept that a person who once had a penis is a woman, no matter if she looks female in every way. Even some people who respect transpeople still see us as men who decided they wanted to be women and vice versa.
Many people will never accept that I am a man without a penis, but being intimate with what many would consider a 'masculine woman' doesn't have near the homophobic baggage attached to it as being with a woman who 'used to be a man'. So, I can see why some transwomen would rather not tell to ensure that they're seen as the woman they are by the person they're in bed with. 

[cindianna_jones]

It was some time before I revealed it all to my hubby.  We had a wealth of experiences while dating where he was able to get to know me. 

Cindi

[cindianna_jones]

Ya want me to write another book?  I should, I suppose... all about my dear one, Brick. 

Okay, I've put up something that I've written that is already too long for the forum yet too short to properly tell the story.  Still, I hope you like it.  It is in three parts:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15809.0.html  Part 1
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15810.0.html  Part 2
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15811.0.html  Part 3

I hope it helps one of you out there by sharing my story.

Cindi

[asiangurliee]

 I am not saying that people shouldn't tell, I am simply making the point that I do not have a moral obligation to reveal my trans status. Yes it is a good to tell, and I would not want to be with someone who doesn't know but I don't have a moral duty to out myself.