How to Come Out to Parents?

[AlexanderMiles]

-deep breath-

how to start...

I don't know where to even begin. I've been speaking with my therapist about being transgender, and she's known about me for a few months by now. Almost a half a year, actually! I'm currently not on hormones, and I want to be, though college might be holding me back. I want them to know about me, because all of the time when I'm out of my room and hanging out with them, they make comments that are beginning to get under my skin (i.e., 'What a big girl!' when I burp -yeah, it's... a bit condescending as well.-, 'Hey baby giiiiirl how's my beautiful daughter today?'). If it weren't as often as it is, I wouldn't have as many problems with it as I do, but the continuous reminder that I am not a man is thrown in my face every few minutes, it seems. My therapist has advised for me to sit down and speak with them about it, but I'm terrified that I will be thrown out if I do.

I know it might not be a completely accurate feeling because everyone else I have told about this has been on board, including my birth parents, biological sister, and my best friends. Since I was adopted as a newborn, my adoptive parents are the only thing I've known until recently, and as much as they annoy me, I don't want to lose them. So, friends, I am asking you, as a colleague, as a fellow transgendered individual, how do you suggest I approach this subject?

[Lauren5]

I think we're similar; today, my dad took me to a party at a house where some of the senior girls on the swim team lived. One of their dads asked them to try and hook me up with one of the freshmen or sophomore girls on the team. I didn't say no, out of fear, but I'm just not very sexual at the moment, and even so, I think I'd prefer men. My parents expect me to make a family and have children, especially a son, so I can ":continue the family name" but I have no intention of doing so; If I make a family, it'll be through adoption, with me as the mother. I don't know what to tell them without straight out telling them I'm trans.

[AlexanderMiles]

I'm terrified about telling them, I'll be honest. I know that the reaction will be less than good, and I don't know how to take that. I don't personally prefer either gender (I've got a track record of dating my best friends), but most of them ARE women, and, I know that this isn't something to go off of, but when I tried to come out to my mother as bisexual back in 8th grade, it was brushed off as a phase, and it really hurt. I know I'll still have my birth parents, but I'm living at home with my adoptive parents currently and... The situation is different, by a lot. They are paying for my college, I am using their car, and I currently am jobless. I don't really know what to do because I can't afford to have them be upset with me and tell me it's merely a phase again.

[Lauren5]

Your college probably has an LGBT resource centre, if it's any good, try checking it out, see what you can find on the matter. Everyone's different, but we're all the same in two ways: we're all afraid, and we all have to do it sooner or later or nothing will get done.

[AlexanderMiles]

It does have a very good LGBT center, but that doesn't... really help, you know? I know that most of them have been through certain things themselves, but it's almost as though I don't know how to sit my parents down to talk to them about it. Has anyone out there around my age (20) had to do this?

[Lauren5]

It does have a very good LGBT center, but that doesn't... really help, you know? I know that most of them have been through certain things themselves, but it's almost as though I don't know how to sit my parents down to talk to them about it. Has anyone out there around my age (20) had to do this?

I'm nearly 19, so I can relate.
I haven't been to mine, but I am going on Friday with someone, so hopefully I'll get some ideas then.
Next time I go home is Christmas break, which also covers my birthday, when I plan to make a speech to them about my "condition," how it's none of their doing (worried about mom's "be more like your sister" comments and dad's virtual absence in the last 9 years of my life,) it's just the way I am, and how it's my birthday wish for them to still love me no matter what.

[AlexanderMiles]

I really do hope you the best in your endeavor with that. I have never been open with my adoptive parents about my feelings, and the first (and last) time I was, was back in 8th grade and I got shot down by my mother about being bisexual. I feel as though that might not be a realistic reaction to expect from her this time around, since I'm no longer 14... But it's a legitimate fear, you know? I live at home with my parents, so...

[Lauren5]

So, if your LGBT resource centre is any good, if your parents abandon you over adoptive issues, they can usually reclassify you as an independent student, and therefore elligible for far more aid, possibly full coverage, including housing. Health insurance, phone, TV, internet, food, all then become your responsability, but you're given the money to do all that as well, if you choose what to do with it.
That's what happened to my bestie. They (born female, they identify as genderfluid) was abandoned by their parents over their gender expression, they went to the LGBT resource centre and got it reclassified. Now she gets money from the government and the school.

[AlexanderMiles]

See, it isn't the adoptive thing that's a problem. They do love me, I know that, though I'm not sure how well the shock will settle with them. I'd have to speak with the owner of the LGBT organization about what the policy would be with receiving schooling. My grades aren't terribly good (in fact, I should be working on a paper right now, but here I am.), and the thought of being... abandoned by them doesn't... sound too appealing at current, and since I don't have a job, I don't know how I would have any kind of money to support myself. I am looking for one, but I can't seem to locate a place who will hire for the hours I'm able to work.

[Lauren5]

Hon, don't worry too much about the money, like I said, if the LGBT resource centre at your school is any good, they'll sort it all out. Then, just focus on you. And don't worry about the grades; you're distressed by your gender, hence why you aren't performing as well as you could. Once again, a visit ot your school's LGBT resource centre should help with that.

Just wondering, what school do you go to? I'm at Michigan State. Painted my toes a pretty green colour last night for good luck in the game today. And guess what? We beat Michigan! Lucky toes, I guess

[AlexanderMiles]

I'm actually at a local school, Bridgewater State University. It's actually well known for it's 'GLBT' center, though the funding at the school for the program isn't... As nice as it should be. Worrying about the grades is essential, really. I'm not training to be a doctor, or anything of the sort, but for a job in the field of criminal justice. I hope to go into the FBI some day, though I'm not keeping my hopes up. I know I'm worried about money, but to be honest... Who doesn't worry about money at some point or another?

[Lauren5]

Ah, a Southie. Spent 2 years in Bedford. My family is military, we move a lot.
Try it out, maybe go for counseling. My grades are kinda meh too, but once I go on HRT, I think they're going to skyrocket. Even after some therapy, I know my grades in Math 133 (calc 2) have gone way up, from dismal to passing; It's a hard class, I don't expect to 4. it anymore. And the money will come. You'll get it somehow. Have some faith in yourself and the system. If all else fails, transfer to somewhere better about it.
Nothing will happen unless you do something about it

[AlexanderMiles]

'Southie'? I don't seem to understand the term; if you mean from the South of the United States, I'm nowhere near there (though really, I just don't understand the terminology)...

I already have transferred, which is my issue. I drive to school daily and I can't really afford to transfer elsewhere, being a junior in college with really nothing else to go on. I'm an averaged C student, and I blame a good portion on that not only on the gender dysphoria, but also due to undiagnosed ADHD that I should have been on medication for since middle school.

[Lauren5]

'Southie'? I don't seem to understand the term; if you mean from the South of the United States, I'm nowhere near there (though really, I just don't understand the terminology)...

I already have transferred, which is my issue. I drive to school daily and I can't really afford to transfer elsewhere, being a junior in college with really nothing else to go on. I'm an averaged C student, and I blame a good portion on that not only on the gender dysphoria, but also due to undiagnosed ADHD that I should have been on medication for since middle school.

South Boston.
If you really have ADHD, get it diagnosed. It will give you access to the disability centres and help you manage your classes. Do you have a clinic on campus you can see, or see one off campus? And at the same time, they'll likely pick up on the gender dysphoria as well.

[AlexanderMiles]

OH! Okay. Yeah, I'm south of Boston. I do have ADHD, diagnosed by my psychologist, but I need to get in touch with a psychiatrist in order to get it diagnosed for medications. However, the closest doctor doesn't have an opening in his scheduling until Mid December, and by then, the school year will be mostly over. That's another problem completely.

[Lauren5]

OH! Okay. Yeah, I'm south of Boston. I do have ADHD, diagnosed by my psychologist, but I need to get in touch with a psychiatrist in order to get it diagnosed for medications. However, the closest doctor doesn't have an opening in his scheduling until Mid December, and by then, the school year will be mostly over. That's another problem completely.

Schedule the soonest you can get, and hope for an opening earlier. The sooner you get the proper medications, the better off you will be. as I said before,

Nothing will happen unless you do something about it

[AlexanderMiles]

Thank you again, yeah. I'm doing my best to get it rescheduled for before December, as I have 2 papers due within a week and a half that I have yet to complete researching on and it is killing me. I can't do anything at current, it is 2:05 in the morning, lol.

[Lauren5]

Thank you again, yeah. I'm doing my best to get it rescheduled for before December, as I have 2 papers due within a week and a half that I have yet to complete researching on and it is killing me. I can't do anything at current, it is 2:05 in the morning, lol.

Sleep, wait until morning so you can have some focus. Let it be for now, get it ut of your head. ou'll be ready for those papers in time.

[AlexanderMiles]

I hope you're right. Have a good night.