Kinda funny coming out story XP

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

I'm glad you're not letting it stop you. 

I think maybe you can admit she's almost right when she says it's because you're depressed and hate yourself. Then you just walk it back and explain the connection goes in the other direction. That's how I've been trying to present it anyway, the dysphoria as cause of all the dark and horrible thoughts that followed... Trying to get the idea through that not addressing the main issue will send me right back in to the land of darkness seems to work. Maybe you could appear to give in just a little and admit that seeing a therapist might be best? Of course you need a therapist familiar with gender issues... It's the perfect crime. 

I think you have the best approach to bringing your mom around. Just keep at it. You're doing it right. 

Mom still comes back with wanting me to slow down until I'm sure this is right, as if I'm doing this on a whim. I tell her there is no doubt. *shrug* Or she tries to find a specific incident that caused it. Last weekend she tried to get me to admit that if I just found the right girl and fell in love I'd put a stop to transition. I think I finally got it through that it won't work that way, but it took a lot of circling around the facts until it sunk in.

You're doing great, brother. I'm here cheering you on. 

much love,
-maggie

[KabitTarah]

Am I gonna have to worry about getting into fights a lot as a guy? XD

My least favorite part of being a man is when gentlemen come up to you and say "what about a bout of fisticuffs, good sir?"



happens all the time.

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

You made my morning, Tarah. 

[Eva Marie]

First of all congrats on the coming out, sounds like it went well and it's behind you now.

I think that your mom is doing two things here. The first one is she is projecting her wants and desires onto you. All parents do that to some degree and as her child you must stake out your own independence, make your own way. I know that as a father I did some of that and my kids didn't listen to me and just went their own way..... and honestly they are doing quite well. We raise them in the hopes that they will become independent and then we are surprised when they do just that 

The second thing that I think that she is doing is mourning the loss of her child. There are many ways to mourn and anger can be one of them. Her snappish remarks make me think that anger is where she is right now. The best way to deal with that is to stay calm, be understanding, and show her that this is the correct path for you and that you are living a successful life in spite of her warnings about doom and gloom. I heard many of the same things from my wife before she left me, dire warnings about how bad of a "decision" this was for me and so on. Don't pay attention to any of that, you are the one that has to live in your shoes, and you should get to life the way you see fit. She hasn't made great choices in her own life so maybe she's not the best judge of what is right for you.

As far as fighting - sure, if you intend to work as a stevedore down on the docks then you might brush up on your fighting skills. I'm 51 years old and there were very few times that people wanted to fight me and most of them happened back in school. I used my brain to avoid most fights - just use your common sense and stay out of situations that might lead to fighting, situations where alcohol is involved and emotions run high. Leave if you sense trouble brewing. Don't look other guys straight into the eyes; that's challenging. 

And if you find yourself challenged by somebody just fight with your brain and think of ways to defuse the situation. Often an apology will do the trick even if you did nothing wrong, followed by an offer to buy them another drink. A lot of guys want to bluster to keep up their man cred, but its a rare one that is willing to go to the mat. You'll learn to recognize that type pretty quickly and avoid them.

Take care
~Eva

[Felice Aislin]

My spouse's mom and yours must be on the same wavelength...what's up with telling your kid they are/will be ugly and no one will want them?!?!?!    

(Just have to insert here that is a complete and spurious lie, don't you believe this about yourself for a second.  Whoever gets to love you in your life will be a lucky person indeed, because of who you are, period, and if they are worth you, they would find such an idea about you offensive, and someday be so glad that you didn't listen to that nonsense.)

Enough to make li'l ol' me want to challenge someone to a bout of fisticuffs. 

Then my amazing spouse shows the most humbling love and patience for their mom, and I feel all chagrined, because as hard as it is for me, it has to be harder for my spouse.  How do they manage to be such a saint?

I then remember that as stupid as it is (o.k., still working on the anger), they are trying to "save you" from something they really just don't understand and are terrified of, and it all really stems from the love they have for you, as messed up and misguided as it is.  This is hard for them, too, and we all will do better the more love and patience and forgiveness prevails, which creates fertile ground for opening hearts up for understanding.

I've found Eva's right on the mark,

"The best way to deal with that is to stay calm, be understanding, and show her that this is the correct path for you and that you are living a successful life in spite of her warnings of doom and gloom."

(I think I need to keep that quote handy to help me stay centered and calm when thinking about all of this in regards to my mother-in-law....put down the fists...don't turn all gremlin...)

I should know better...that's basically the drill I went through as a teen with my parents when they didn't like my choices on religious beliefs.  It took time for them.  Show love and patience and eventually they come around.  They had to see that this was the path I was choosing, no chance of changing that, and that it didn't turn out all bad like they feared.  This subject is so much more emotional for me than that was, though, because I know how much their support and/or lack of it means to my spouse.  I will re-read Eva Marie's quote, and try to get my zen on.  =D

Hugs to you.  I know this is so hard on you.  Maybe the next time your mom says something crazy hurtful like that, say, "Mom!" give her a hug, look her in the eyes, and tell her you know this is hard on her, and hard for her to understand, but you want her to know you love her no matter what.  That will come a little out of left field, and that will be good.

You can leave it at that, or if she asks you what all that is about, you can say you know she is afraid for you, and that is where those comments about you being ugly and never finding a partner, etc. are coming from.  Apologize again that this is so hard and scary for her.  You can say this is scary for you too, and you can't guarantee anything about the future, but you do know this is what you need to do, and you understand if that is too hard for her to accept or understand right now.  You just want her to know you love her & always will.

Your calmness and maturity & positive response, especially if kept up long term, will eventually find a crack in her defenses and get her to think a bit, question her reaction. 

At least that's the theory.

Good luck, and anytime you need to vent before you can get your zen on, know we are here for you.  (hug)