right intro time, i kept reading everyone else's trying to think how to even start off. So I'm 22, just getting out of college, confused as all hell about who i am. I know since I was a little kid, I always wanted to be a boy, I was a tomboy, I act like a dude, i dress like a dude, but society has this strong pull to want to make you act like something your not to "fit in". I never felt "gay" in a sense, I just felt like a heterosexual boy with the wrong parts. I tried you know having the bf, being a girl, but i couldn't do it, I play video games, my dorm room looked like some of my guy friends rooms, its like being a dude is natural to me, anytime i had to be "girly" i just felt so uncomfortable, especially in my own skin.
Recently this past year, i started thinking is something wrong with me, why cant i be normal, is what ran through my head. I have one friend who kind of knew and helped me admit to myself that I wanted to be a boy. I was in denial for awhile, I just couldn't picture it, I kept saying I'm not gay, and she was like I know your not, you just have the wrong parts. Ever since then wanting to "transition" (from what i read and watched on youtube) have been coming into my mind and how to even explain to my family that I want to be a guy.
I think my body kind of knows it was suppose to be a guy too, i have some kind of thing (forgot what it was called)where my hormone levels were out of whack, my body produces higher testosterone levels then most normal woman, when the doctor told me that, i was fighting to not be so happy, but of course to counter act that, hes like will just put you on birth control, I was like 20 at the time, and I didn't know what I was. Now being here and writing this, I know deep down that I want to be happy and be who I think I always was.
Growing up I was always into the boy things, never girl stuff, kept my hair long to please family members but I always keep it up in a ponytail cause I hate it and dont want to deal with it. Coming out to myself and even a site like this feels like a big step for me. I know my next step should be to see a therapist and kind of work through all these emotions and ->-bleeped-<- but part of me is scared. I look therapists up online near me, trying to figure out where to find one, how to go about it, what do I do about my job when I transition, alot goes through my mind. So i'm trying to take things slowly and day by day and gather the courage up to do something to make me happy. My parents divorced when I was an infant, the old man wasn't there, so not sure if not having that father figure made me want to be more manly or what not (therapist going to have fun with my ->-bleeped-<- lol) anyway I'm my moms only kid, so part of me wants to make her happy and I don't want to hurt her (which feels like I'm going to do) but then I want to be happy too, cause i'm sure everyone here has had that feeling of being unhappy and not comfortable in your own skin and wanting to just be "normal". Ok I think i'm a stop rambling now.
Nice to meet you all.
