I want to scream and cry

[skin]

Don't count her out yet.  My mom had a very similar reaction where she thought that I hid it too well all my life for it to be true and I was just getting crazy ideas put in my head by a therapist.  However, after the initial shock wore off and she was able to research it more she has quickly been coming around.  Keep in mind that even if she was educated on the topic, which I'm guessing she wasn't, it would still be very hard for her to accept.  I'm willing to bet you didn't accept yourself overnight, so you can't expect her to either.  The important thing is she is saying she supports you so hopefully that means she will be willing to understand you better and in time become supportive in a more helpful way.

[Megumi]

We talked again.

Except for my gentle, non-agressive nature, apparently there's nothing girly about me... Because, you know, I didn't play with dolls as a kid.

She's asking me to see a different therapist implying my current one is somehow at fault. I, of course, told her no, not going to happen. She supports me but isn't convinced this is the right thing, nor is she going to be happy about it (her words). I'm not sure how supportive that is...

Frustrated. 

My mom does/did the exact same thing. She then kept saying I was trans because of X and if we do Y then I'd be cured of this and nobody would be inconvienced anymore. But every time I could debunk it and give an account of myself doing that and having the same feelings afterwards that just never went away. I let her do that for almost two weeks until I demanded to have her support in this. She too was saying that she supported me but every sign showed nothing but resistance. Then we talked a lot more and she's now coming around to my side of reality in all of this. Basically talk to them as much as you can even if you feel hurt afterwards. Also remember this all takes time, they have to come to terms with everything too.

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

Thank you, Jamie, skin, and Megumi. I'll keep trying. It's just hard to help someone see a thing when they seem to be trying their best to avoid it...

[Jamie D]

I am sure it took you some time to work out these things in your head.  It will take others time to adjust.

Some of our lucky sisters and brothers get the "Oh! Now it all makes sense" reaction, but most of us get blank stares, or "you've got to be sh**ing me."

The fact that your mother did not jump out a window, or toss you out of it(!), is sort of hopeful.

[Sephirah]

Don't really have any words of advice here, there are far wiser Susanites on the issue you're dealing with.

I would, however, like to offer you a big hug, and to say that you seem like a really warm, honest, genuine person. And I hope that your mother comes to some sort of understanding with you, because you deserve to be yourself, and loved for who that is.

I would also venture your mother isn't quite correct about there being nothing "girly" about you. Just from the way you express yourself, I feel a decidedly feminine energy.

[Mattia]

I can totally relate to everything you say. I felt that shaking feeling whenever I tried to come out to my parents, and the disappointment when they told me they thought it was all in my mind because they never saw the "signs", and I never behaved like the opposite sex as a kid or during adolescence.
The only obvious advice I can give you is to try and make her understand it's not about what you like, what toys you played with or how you talk and move...it's only about what you feel and how you see yourself. But you surely know that already.
Maybe try to give her some resources she can get information from. For example I downloaded my child is transgender:10 tips for parents of adult transgender children by Matthew Kailey. I don't know if you already heard about this book, but I read it and I found it very good. It'short but it says what needs to be said, in my opinion. I don't know how effective it is, as my mother refused to read it, though.
I know it's hard when it seems like they're doing their best to not see a girl in you, but give her time. At least she didn't get depressed or blamed you of wanting to destroy the family, she didn't make you feel guilty, so I guess that is a good starting point.
I hope things will go better everyday for you!

[Mattia]

I would also venture your mother isn't quite correct about there being nothing "girly" about you. Just from the way you express yourself, I feel a decidedly feminine energy.

Btw, I feel that too.

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

Thank you, Mattia and Sephirah, it's very kind of you to say that I express myself in a feminine manner.  For that matter, it's been nice to be able to let it show. 

Today was a little better. I tried to distract her with ideas for names. (I think I'm already set, but she might feel better by participating.) We agreed that my brother and sister need to know. I'm very close with my brother's kids, it would break my heart to lose that. I know being there in person is better, but is email a socially acceptable method? My sister lives very far away, so being there in person will be impossible, but I could actually sit down with my brother. I don't know how he'll react...

The support on this thread has been amazing. Thanks to all of you, you've help me so much.

with much love,
-maggie

[Tessa James]

Magdalena email is used so universally now it seems fine IMO, and you may also choose it to set the stage and let folks know you have a deeply personal issue to discuss with them, in person or over the phone if that would help.  I thought initially that i could control the message but quickly found that my request to "let me tell my story first" was not always respected. 
Looking back I consider our "news" to be so racy that many folks can't wait to share and gossip, sigh.
I submit that it is way too easy for stereotypical misinformation to get snowballing that way.  I tried sitting down with family and friends one on one but soon resorted to an email letter.  Those that were less supportive were in the clear minority and self affirming as ideologues wed to a inflexible world view.  Many others responded with full on support and/or asked follow up questions.
The entire process goes on and helps me reassess my own thinking, motivations and assumptions.   Even the deniers give us something to work with?  I looked up some relevant bible passages to share with a brother worried aloud that I may be possessed by the devil.  Sadly there are some that will find reasons to attempt to invalidate our very personal truth if it conflicts with theirs.  I cannot recommend spending much time in a defensive posture.  If someone loves us prior to coming out they will likely remain in our corner.

Very cool of you to share and encourage your moms participation.  As others here know we sometimes get a bit absorbed with our trans situation and having activities and conversations that provide a break or some fun may help?

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

I'm glad email is acceptable, Tessa. That might be how it happens. 

I'm trying to find fun breaks. Between this, keeping my temp job, trying to start a business, wondering when/if to tell the business partners, and so on it does get to be a little much. If I didn't have weight to lose I'd go find some happy in a small container of ice-cream... 

[~Kaiden]

Maggie, I agree with Mittia and Sephirah.

*hugs!*

I hope things go well when you start teling everyone else.   I think I am going to wait until i get into therapy and actualy get diagnosed with GID before i tell anyone else.  My mom seemed pretty accepting at first but i dont think she can really wrap her head around it.  It seems like the more i talk about it the less she wants to hear it.  She just keeps trying to convince me i'm just confused for this reason or that reason.  It's frustrating.   But hopefully once i get diagnosed that will convince her it's not all in my head, but who knows.

You are doing great though, Maggie.    You've got courage, sista!  Be proud!

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

Thanks, Kai. 

My mom does keep returning to the lost or confused possibility, too. Maybe it's a mom thing. You're definitely not the only one. 

[Robin Mack]

*hug*

I am so sorry I missed this whole thread, Magdalena.  Turning into an internet hermit on the weekends causes no end of missed connections, apparently.

Please do give her time, like I am giving my mom.  She hasn't tried to contact me since I came out to her two weeks ago.  I've sent some pictures, we've exchanged emails, but no deep connection.  I know she is hurting, she knows I am, too.  She loves me, but I know she needs some time.

You've done it, at least; there are no "deep, dark secrets" to hide now, as far as trans issues are concerned.  Parents may take a while, but we really can adjust over time, and what we can't understand we can eventually accept.  The one thing *this* parent can't do, though, is quit loving her children. 

Love and peace to you in this troubled time, dear Magdalena! 

[Tessa James]

Robin you are a heartbreaker! Thank you for sharing that parental love and understanding.

Down with the deep dark secrets!

[Claire (formerly Magdalena)]

I have known my best friend my whole life. Technically, I didn't know him for the first five months because he wasn't born yet. It is accurate to say that I've known him his whole life. He is a brother to me.

Last night he needed a ride home. I struggled with how to say it. I froze when the gaps fell in the conversation. About 5 minutes in I finally forced myself to say something. We talked about it for the rest of the car ride, as one might expect. So when we finally got back to his house, there I am shaking and holding back tears. And he says, "I love you. If that's what makes you happy then I'm happy for you." Then he gave me a hug. It went as well as I could ever have hoped. Yay me! 

Now to tell my actual brother and my sister...

[LordKAT]

I often think the 'adopted' family we have in life means more than blood at times. I'm glad it went well for you and this special person.

[Tessa James]

Yay me! 

Now to tell my actual brother and my sister...

What a relief eh?  People have been 180 degrees different than what my toxic fears had once created.
For many we are just no big deal at all and they have their own deep concerns.
I trust you too will continue to find that we remain lovable and worthy of that friendship and more.

Yay YOU!

[Dalex]

Maggie, I first want to say that I am very, very proud of you! That was a huge step you took.

I stumbled upon this today and I thought I would share it. I know this video does not have exactly the same story as ours, but the message is still the same. I was actually thinking, when I take the next step to tell more of my family, that I would use this video.

[Robin Mack]

*hug* 

Maggie, you are to be congratulated.  You are taking positives steps to acknowledge yourself... you are changing rapidly, setting the groundwork for yourself to become the woman you are with safety and support.  You are learning who your allies are in this, and who you cannot count on.  It's a wonderful achievement, and huge progress!

Be aware there will be parts of you that will resist change over time... you will get scared, you will have doubts, you will have down days.  Your mind is a complex, wonderful thing, but it takes time to change completely.  It's natural. 

I'm going through a period where I've retreated back into my male mask most of the time, due to familial stress and health issues (not my own, but with my fiancee).  I don't feel like dressing up, I don't have time for makeup.  But deep inside me I know who I *am* and I know that every day I'm making progress *because I am out* to the people I hold dearest.

So yes, congratulations are definitely in order!

Please remember that Team Susan is behind you, and you are building a physical support network to match the virtual one.  Surround yourself with people who want you happy, no matter what, because *you deserve it*.

*hug*

[~Kaiden]

And he says, "I love you. If that's what makes you happy then I'm happy for you." Then he gave me a hug. It went as well as I could ever have hoped. Yay me! 

*hugs!*  Congrats, Maggie!   Aren't those just the best words to hear from a loved one?

And Dalex, that video is awesome.  I'm glad you shared it.    It's very inspiring!