I have been ruminating a great deal about the little marker that can appear in one's posting profile here. That's the profile on the left-hand side of anything we place on these boards. There's 'Name', 'Posts', 'Reputation', and such - seemingly for all of us. Then an optional one that reads, 'Gender:'
There were six options here, last I checked. Most of these don't fit my experience. 'F', on the other hand, feels close. I was born male-bodied and have always - consciously or barely consciously - resonated more with 'girls/women'. Felt more comfortable, more open, more myself. My internal sense of body leans this way too. Though I 'know' how I appear to the world, internally my sense is of a body far different from appearances.
So I am 'F', right?
Well, something about this designation has not felt right to me as I've mulled over the possibility these last few days. 'I'm F,' I said to myself - and let the matter rest so I might see what happens. And what happened was I began to feel every bit as panicked and claustrophobic and despondent and invisible as I have through all the years I have (barely) tolerated the world assuming/insisting I was 'M'.
I started then considering the notion of simply staying with 'trans'. There is no option for 'T' on the menu bar, however, so I would have, by default, to leave the 'Gender' issue blank. Funny thing was, I didn't want to do this. In the short time I've been on these boards, the companionship has been so helpful. I have shared things I have never shared before, learned things I'd never expected to learn. I wanted to continue this journey of exploration and discovery by saying something - sharing something - more about myself via this little but oh so big marker.
I went back to the 'Profile' page. Back to that menu bar.
'Queer' has never, ever had any personal resonance for me. As I looked at this word hanging there, however, something inside me opened toward it. The claustrophobia and so on that have been so familiar to me all my life and that I had felt during my time as 'F' - this insane sense of being both crowded in upon and crowded out of - started to dissolve. There was space all around me when I tried the sentence on for size, 'I am queer'. As I felt for the first time that this curious term meaning, among things, "unusual, unconventional, unorthodox, unexpected, and unfamiliar", might actually fit.
And in this space I could feel myself dancing.
So I lifted one finger off my trackpad and chose 'Q' for that little/big marker. Felt yet another part of me come out into the light of day for the first time.
It's been quite a few weeks in terms of self-identifying: 'transgender', 'survivor',and 'queer'. Quite a few weeks, indeed.
