walking into a trap

[ChelseaAnn]

Ok, I'm feeling better since my last post ("down"). Thanks to all those who brought me out of that low.
Upon doing some thinking, I need some help. I'll be going with my wife and 7 month old son to my in laws for Thanksgiving, staying for 3 days. They don't care for the situation at all. But they want to see their grandson. (Originally, we were having Thanksgiving with my family) .
My wife went down on Saturday to see them and they said that I never really seemed like part of the family anyway (examples included : being on laptop all the time, never in the same room,watching TV) . Some are true but extremely overexagerated.
My trouble is that I won't be treated like family now, and my sister in law is even going as far as to act like I'm not there. So now I'm in a trap of being forced to confirm their accusations because, well, what else am I going to do for three days? Wait for snide comments, awkwardly try to act like nothing has happened? HELP!

[maximusloverus]

What I would recommend is getting involved with family activities. Even if it's oogling over your child. Share stories of times your family has gone out or done something together. When the snide comments come just think of witty things to fire back with while also maybe making a joke out of it. With me my family likes to make little jokes about me being to feminine like saying "Wow don't you just sound like one big ball of gay" and I'll just turn around and say "We'll someone has to lighten up this family it feels like a funeral in here" They'll usually see that I won't let them ruin my good times with family.

[suzifrommd]

So now I'm in a trap of being forced to confirm their accusations because, well, what else am I going to do for three days? Wait for snide comments, awkwardly try to act like nothing has happened? HELP!

You are a guest in their house.

Anyone who would mistreat a guest or not actively work to make them feel as comfortable as possible is a pig. (Or maybe not, that insults the entire swine species). It is rude, classless, anti-social, and downright nasty to treat a guest with anything less than the utmost respect and hospitality.

So if they do anything to make your stay less than enjoyable, just realize to yourself what they are telling you about themselves.

As for accusations, treat that as an opportunity for education. Anyone can be educated (yes, I believe this. I wouldn't work as a teacher otherwise), though sometimes people need to hear something over and over again before they are induced to think about it.

I would repeat several simple facts, whenever anyone confronts you (or whenever you feel like saying them):

* You did not choose to be transgender. It's not something you can make go away. No one has ever figured out a way to do that.
* You are not harming anyone by being transgender. You are still a kind, caring, responsible parent, who loves your child and will make sure he gets the best the world has to give.
* Transgender is a medical condition whose ONLY treatment is transition to live as your true gender. No one has the right, no one, to tell someone else not to treat a medical condition or judge them for doing it.

Don't know if this will help, but at least it gives you something to say to anyone who dares be rude enough to give you a hard time while you are a guest.

Good luck, Chelsea. Don't let rudeness allow you to lose sight of how you deserve to be treated.

[Eva Marie]

This seems like an issue that we all might have to deal with as a part of the coming out process. Some families might "get it" and be welcoming and gracious even if they have a philosophical disagreement with how we live, and some will choose not to and make everyone miserable.

My situation is similar to yours. I have a religious sister in law that lives in another state, and I've been told that she now "hates" me even though she's had transgender explained to her, and that it's biological and I was born with it. The entire family (including my kids) are gathering at her house for Christmas since we are spread out right now across the USA and her house is central to everyone but because of her attitude I'm simply not going to go and put myself through that. I don't want any lectures, or bible thumping, or bible verses quoted at me, or getting told that sin is my problem and that all of this would go away if I just got "right" with God - Not.Going.To.Do.It. The potential for drama is just way to high, and if drama did happen I know that I would be blamed for "ruining" Christmas for everyone by my mere presence.

My soon-to-be-seperated-from-me wife suggested that I come even if I don't go to the sister in law's house - really? So I should sit in a hotel room on Christmas morning while everyone gets together elsewhere, and then later in the afternoon my wife and kids will grudgingly make a side trip to see me, the sad trans woman sitting in a hotel room because she is persona non grata? Christmas at Howard Johnsons?

Nope. I'm not going to set the precedent of accommodating other people's feelings because of who I am.

[FTMDiaries]

The thing is, you are central to your family unit; you are as important a part of it as your wife. You said in your other thread that you & your wife have agreed to make a go of your relationship, and I'm delighted for you that you're going to try.

So here's my suggestion: you need to speak to your wife about presenting yourselves to her family as a loving, unified family unit of 3 people that happens to fall under the larger umbrella of the extended family as a whole. See if your wife agrees that the three of you are her main priority, because the only way you can fix this is if she's on your side.

Then she (not you) needs to speak to her parents between now and Thanksgiving (which I see is a couple of weeks away, so you have time) to gently let them know that whilst you're all thrilled with the invitation to stay over, it must be absolutely clear that the three of you are very much a unit and are all to be treated with love, dignity and respect at all times. And that if there is even a sniff of someone being disrespectful towards any of you, then all of you will be going home right then & there. It is her parents' responsibility as hosts to make sure that everyone in their house treats you right.

And while you're there, reinforce the point by organising just a couple of things that your family unit does together (rather than disappearing into your computer), even if it's just going for a stroll around the neighbourhood after dinner or something. Just the three of you. But make sure that everything you do is done together with all three of you; don't let her parents try to drive a wedge between you & your family.

You can't do this yourself without seeming like the baddie. It has to come from her, or it won't work at all and her parents will just keep playing the same games.