Advice needed

[brianna1016]

So my therapist suggested that my 3 year old daughter should call me Brianna instead of daddy. That was about 4 months ago and she has been very good about remembering to use my name. This has been such a big relief for me especially when we're out and about in public.

The thing is, I REALLY want her to call me mommy! Her biological mother has never been around and I've been raising her myself since she was 3 months old so really I am her mother. Plus I don't want her to say "my parent" when she's talking about me. It sounds silly.

I'm just scared that she's going to be very confused and maybe even resentful when she finally figured out the truth about her mother and my transition when she's older.

Anyone dealt with this?

[suzifrommd]

Go for it, go for it, go for it.

I would life to have my kids call me mom, but their mom IS very much in their life (probably more than I am) and nobody (but me) would like it. My daughter and I are searching around (in vain, so far) for some feminine parental nickname that is not Mom.

You ARE her Mom.

[Sammy]

I'm just scared that she's going to be very confused and maybe even resentful when she finally figured out the truth about her mother and my transition when she's older.
Anyone dealt with this?

No, but I fully relate to You being a parent to 2 y 4 months old daughter. I think this is something You should discuss with Your therapist or maybe You should consider seeing a child psychologist or someone trained to work with kids. Is it possible to hide the truth from her and what will happen when she will understand everything?
My daughter is going to stay with my ex and I discussed with my therapist what would be my role in her life - a father, auntie, someone else? We came to conclusion that kids, even at such age, are much more intelligent and wise and they might already have their own ideas about what is going on. And if my daughter will learn later that she had been lied to... it all could end quite ugly, plus she might get a perception that she had been abandonded by one of parents.

Btw, I am endorsing that she calls me Emy instead of daddy, but she has not been very consistent so far .

[Alice Rogers]

My children seem to define themselves by the solid relationship they have with me, even though they know me in my true form and I dress full time and my partner uses the right gender pronouns for me the kids cling to calling me daddy, I have mixed feelings about it, it hurts a little to be address using any male honourific BUT I know its going to be a struggle for my kids.

So I really understand where you are coming from, I guess it will just take time.

[LordKAT]

My kids, (and I have a few) call me either mom or by my name. They know how I feel. It seems harder for the girls than the boys.

[amZo]

Any chance you could change your name to Mom? 

As long as you love and are honest with your children with any curiosities and questions they may have, they should be great. Your daughter calling you Brianna sounds like a fair compromise. Now I would just let her settle in with calling you with what she feels most comfortable. 

[nikkit72]

So my therapist suggested that my 3 year old daughter should call me Brianna instead of daddy. That was about 4 months ago and she has been very good about remembering to use my name. This has been such a big relief for me especially when we're out and about in public.

The thing is, I REALLY want her to call me mommy! Her biological mother has never been around and I've been raising her myself since she was 3 months old so really I am her mother. Plus I don't want her to say "my parent" when she's talking about me. It sounds silly.

I'm just scared that she's going to be very confused and maybe even resentful when she finally figured out the truth about her mother and my transition when she's older.

Anyone dealt with this?

You are, and always will be, her Father. Don't forget, being a father is a ROLE not a gender. Why would you want to take this away from your child. Your gender dysphoria is your own, Fatherhood is shared between you and your child. Brianna is a good compromise.

I must admit, though, when my son calls me dad when out grocery shopping I do get a few more strange looks than usual  I just deal with it..

[Sybil]

You are, and always will be, her Father. Don't forget, being a father is a ROLE not a gender. Why would you want to take this away from your child. Your gender dysphoria is your own, Fatherhood is shared between you and your child. Brianna is a good compromise.

I must admit, though, when my son calls me dad when out grocery shopping I do get a few more strange looks than usual  I just deal with it..

I disagree with this. Being a parent is a role. Being a mother or father is a gender-specific address of the parental role. The only other use I think is appropriate for father or mother is fathering or mothering; where you were the one who either fertilized or developed a child before its birth -- and even then, I really wish they would come up with new names for this given how complex gender is.

I think it's more than okay if you let your child refer to you as her mother. I think that, chances are, your daughter will only ever be upset with you, when she can fully understand, if you were not a good person and parent to her. If you raise her well and free and interfere with her happiness only to make her a better person, I feel it's doubtful she'll resent you. Being a good and honest friend to her will always help, too.

As for roles and stereotypes: if your child only has one parent, and that's you, and her only parent is a woman, I think it would be much easier on her to have a mother than to have a female parent who she refers to as dad. I think it will unnecessarily complicate things for you to be dad, and the only purpose to retain that title is to follow through on ritualistic social constructs (i.e. that mother and father are somehow different beyond a biological pretext) -- which would be backwards, anyhow, because chances are you'll be much more mothering than fathering as far as social norms go.

[Xhianil]

Better she knows now hun if you ask me, she should decide for herself if she accepts you as her mom, even if she's young.

[KabitTarah]

I am sticking with "Dad" - sure there's a gender connotation, but it doesn't need to be gender specific, and it's accurate. If they wish to change it in the future, that's up to them. There are lots and lots of options out there. "Mom" or "mommy" would be weird to me - that's my wife's name to them.

I totally understand how hard it is to change how you address someone, though. Using my wife's name instead of "sweetie" or similar is very, very difficult to do.

Without a mother, then yes... you should be called "Mom." With a mother - that's up to you (and the mother)... I don't know how it will work if either she and/or I get married again... two or three Dads and one to three Moms (yeah... that's 4 people).

[nikkit72]

Another bit of advice would be to let your daughter decide since I believe this is her choice and to steer her toward what you would prefer due to transition etc. would be wrong. Like I said, Brianna is a good compromise, particularly since being "dadded" can cause distress whilst out in public. What you need to weigh up, I think, is that if you are economical with the truth with regards to your transition, she may end up resenting or even rejecting you in the future. You are already raising your daughter by yourself, which I think is awesome, and the bond you will have built up could be severely damaged.

Maybe you could ask her when she is older and able to understand things a bit better, what she would prefer to call you. The other aspect of this is whether she might find it uncomfortable to call someone who is a woman "dad", particularly in front of her school friends.

From my point of view, I let my son drive this area of my transition so far. He calls me either dad or Nikki. I think it's up to me to live with the consequences of being "dadded" as I was the one that needed to transition. I still get a fathers day card and a box of chocolates, so as long as the chocolates keep coming, I can live with this.

This is, of course, only my point of view.

I really hope it all works out well for the both of you.

Nikki

[brianna1016]

Thank you everyone for your input I appreciate it very much.

When talking to my daughter, my friends and even strangers will say "your mommy" when they are referring to me! When I pick her up from daycare, her little classmates will say "your mommy is here Olivia!"

On the one hand, I am happy that this is happening. I feel like I deserve to be called mommy. I have been a mother to her since the day she was born! Her bio mother couldn't handle being a parent and abandoned us (that was before I fully transitioned).
On the other hand, my daughter knew me once as daddy. She is a very smart child. If I push her too hard to do this, it might backfire.

This is the only child I am going to raise, and I want to be a good mother to her. I'd like to eventually find a man to be with that will complete this family, and I want him to be a father to my child.

Sigh. These things take time. My heart is telling me that I need to let this happen naturally if it happens at all.