Yup, this is the conversation I was looking for tonight... My wife jokes that she's been with more women than I have on occasion, and she's probably mildly bisexual. There was one night after I came out to her where it seemed like the thought of me having a more feminine body might have done something for her (I think we conceived our third child that night, it was wonderful). As time goes on though, it feels more and more like she's not going to be interested in me if any more drastic changes than hair removal. She's about 3 months pregnant with our third and I've committed to not starting HRT until after we get over the sleepless phase of raising an infant.
We've been together for 7 years and married for 5, and the thought of not seeing her and the kids every day of my life is hurtful, but on the flip side I couldn't go on in the marriage if I knew I made her unhappy. I also worry that in general I'm not really getting what I need out of a relationship with her though. She's never really been all that affectionate. With the years of marriage, kids, the death of her mom, my coming out, and the current pregnancy it is to the point where if I would be lucky if I received even a hug from her in any given week. I hope that all these things just add up to place her in a mindset that can't contemplate affection, let alone what will happen if I was to pursue HRT. Perhaps when he body becomes her own again without being pregnant, breastfeeding or being hopped on by toddlers, and she has a chance to come out from under the shadow of her mothers passing somewhat, the part of her that can physically express love and affection will shine again. Perhaps then when she has that emotional bandwidth back, the thought of being with me while in transition and after won't seem as foreign... but that all requires waiting for something that may never come. I don't think she is unwilling to try so we have that.
That willingness comes from the love that we still share. I know she still loves me regardless of her ability to express it in ways that I find meaningful right now. We have nearly identical senses of humor (dark, cynical, and nerdy), we like all the same things, we agree on just about everything politically, and we are excellent parents together. It's just that it has been a while since I've felt like her attraction to me has been important to her. Perhaps I just can't see the ways that she expresses how she is attracted to me, or she just doesn't have any desire to express it right now. I still also have trouble understanding how she perceives I will change that will be unattractive. I suppose that this is mostly due to the possible changes better reflecting some ideal I have developed for how my outward body should reflect my internal self image, but she hasn't had an entire lifetime living with that ideal self image and has no bias to see it as a positive when paired with the person she fell in love with. Yet her thoughts that she will not be attracted or have a desire to be in a romantic relationship with a more feminine me is what I hear as her reasoning for why things probably won't work out if I transition. I say "what I hear" because in general, she just doesn't even want to talk about it, so my ability to comprehend any true underlying feelings is limited. Her and I are alike also in the way we deal with issues in our lives, we shut down and look for distractions. If we ignore the issue long enough it'll go away right? .
All this for me though, just seems to serve to make the idea of starting HRT now all the more interesting. I might as well go forward with my plans and attempt to be happy myself if the marriage isn't going to survive, but then that's basically me declaring it a failure and giving up despite the love we still have for each other. I want to do whatever I can to make this work. We stated in our vows that we would stick together through good times and bad, and this could be both depending on perspective.
Mostly I just wish it felt like she was trying to make everything work too, which sometimes I doubt... but I can and will hold out hope.
