@awilliams124 Hi, Amanda, thank you for responding.
The way you put it exactly describes my case; I accepted that I am a woman and disphoria was pretty much gone. For the last five or six days it was, so to speak, made secondary--even non-existant at times. You could say I was at peace with myself. And all the while being off-hormones for a month and a half. But I don't know if my case is such an odd one that I sometimes revert back to my old way of thinking, and become constantly depressed and a bit of emotionally numb.
But when I come to think of myself as female all the rest follows, the change in thinking-pattern, way of dealing with issues, communication... Could be just the confidence and a better sense of self-worth. Don't know. What is really funny is that I have to do this on daily basis as I get anxiety and do not feel ok at all and cannot even think straight untill I do this. But something just won't let that come to pass the last couple of days. Chemistry?
Yes, it did occur to me at least once that I might not fit into the "classic" transsexual category, although I think I could qualify. But apparently I have issues than need to be handled with more care than I thought when I plunged into HRT, although my therapy was made the safest option there possibly is. And I wouldn't even think of SRS untill I was dead-sure I won't regret it.
Unfortunately, speaking to a therapist is not an option for me because, even if I found one no one could guarantee they'll handle my case properly or that I will be content with the end result. I'm sure you've heard of gatekeeper kind of therapists and also the of ones who are more lenient to give letters of recommendation so we have (had) a good number of regretted transitions. Fortunately, we live in the age of internet and these issues are handled with better understanding but in the part of the world I live in the dark ages still haven't passed. :sarcasm:
The only time I did actually take steps towards dealing with my disphoria was HRT from Jan to Sept this year and it was actually the best feeling I ever had. I don't know why I stopped it. And lately, I've been able to relive that female mindset feeling of content, pride and thinking; it's just that I keep reverting, whether it be chemistry, something in my brain or the male work environment.
Funny but last night I was rushed to go out and wasn't sure if my hair was ok, and I just put on one item of clothing that was outside of my comfort zone, and the disphoria returned. And then came the depression this morning and I tell myself "I don't want to rush it or panic, I'll just relax and let it pass" but it doesn't pass and at the end of the day I can't even think straight.
I'm sure everyone will find clues that validate my want to transition, but am also conscious of the ones that refute it.
I guess the only way to test this is HRT which is delayed indeterminately at the moment, and I'll have to approach it with utmost care when (or IF) I start it again.
Thank you.
Love, Vanya.
@LizMarie, Thank you for replying.
I think I have somehow mislead on one small point; I never wilfully stopped HRT, I just had doubts about it which were worsened to the extreme by other problems I was facing at the time (unemployment, family issues, loss of any social life, fear of ostracization, even condemnation) and with a heavy heart I stopped it. I think I was kind of lead to believe (by others) that it was wrong for me more than I actually felt that way. And being a perfectionist I could not give into it that it was ultimately right for me if there were any doubts about it.
I am thankful for your support and kindness. These are the decisions that I will have to make on my own, and may even choose not to do this, even though it's comforting to know that I could be a possible transsexual. I've kind of always identified with them, even before puberty but for whatever reason I did not completely aknowledge it untill my early twenties.
Love, Vanya.
