I have RLE Anxiety

[Cindy]

This may sound odd. I really enjoyed RLE. It was a time that I became use to being me. I did learn, I did find that being a woman in society was different to being a man. True I have an ego of steel and very few poor experiences. I learned from the bad experiences to stand up for myself.

I understood that I would no longer let anyone hurt me again, I would not accept that.

I found me.

Facing the prospect was far worse than doing it.

Fear as ever is our ruler.
When we kill fear it does not rule us.

RLE? get use to deciding what to wear, do your make up. Park and lock the car safely. Look out for yourself.

Can you live your life?

It is a test, but it is a test for yourself, no one else.

I look back and think could I detransition? Could I pretend to be a guy again?

No.

That is what RLE is all about.

That is what the therapist wants to know.

That is when the letters (should) be written.

[anjaq]

But one question still stands - in what way is that "real life test" a test of anything if you dont really pass. It is then not a test of how it is in society to be a woman (as if that was the main goal anyways for all of us) but more or less a test of how much you are willing to endure to show to people including therapists that you are dead serious. I think this is rather skewed for a test - who is more likely to pass this test - a girl who is insecure about herself as she inhabits a body that looks like that of a guy and who gets even more insecure if she still has to somehow - by clothes, makeup, correcting people in respect to pronouns - stand up for herself in a society that does not think well of such a condition. Or will a male more likely pass who is lets say a dead serious transvestite or has some other motivation for this and is very serious and dedicated about this, maybe has it all planned out already. I think #1 may make it but may also end up with traumas or even suicide while #2 would do great. This is not right. At least not if the RLT cannot be done in a way that really starts to closely approximate living a womans life which means good passing which for many means HRT and for some means other procedures.

It always bugs me that for many, that RLT is more a test of life as a TS than life as a woman.

That said, I think a phase of trying things out is needed - there is no clean break usually, there is usually always a time of some months were transition is a bit chaotic, where clothes do not match body, hair does not match anything, body shape being off, behaviour being childish or anything similar  - maybe to put this off as a "real life test" and thus have a good excuse to be wonky is also sometimes a beneficial thing...

[Cindy]

I agree with all of your comments. I looked at it as Experience not Test. I wasn't being examined, I was trying life out.  I had been hiding at home dressed in female clothes for my entire life. RLE was going public, for me that was all it meant. Some sort of almighty boot in the bum to me to say "well you went to a therapist and told him you are a woman, see if you can live as one".

I did, it was frightening for a few minutes and I had to learn to cope.
I forced myself to accept me in society, society owes me nothing. If I wish to live as me, then it is up to me to do so.
I had a group of woman at work who seemed to have problems accepting me, that hurt. I worried about it, I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be accepted. I could hide, I could hope that if my appearance changed then I would blend in.
A waste of time, I was so well known that my male ghost always followed me.
So I spent everyday with that group. Visited the area, talked, went for coffee etc. I was was sick with fear initially. To be honest after an hour they accepted me.
In my mind RLE meant: how do I cope; can I cope wasn't an option.

JMO

[JoanneB]

There is no perfect system for anything. There are good aspects and poor aspects to them all, including transition. RLE is just that - Experience, in real life. Not going to group, therapist or clubbing presenting. It is being out in the real world doing the very real everyday things of life. You get first hand experience on what that is like, how it makes you feel. You get yet another major data point to weigh a critical decision on, rather then speculation, fear, or wishful thinking.

While it is in some aspects "A Test" it is also part of a process necessary to go through if you want someone else's help and others to cover the tab in the case of NHS. It does not take much effort to say the right things to gatekeepers. Informed Consent also has it's flaws. Just because somebody wants something, doesn't mean they should always have it.

Ultimately it comes down to a human system playing God.

[Jean24]

Here's another reason why. Tonight my friend who knows that I'm trans spotted someone who was either a MTF or a male transvestite. She looked completely feminine except for her very broad, masculine calves. In either case, it was blatantly obvious and he basically just said "Is that a dude or a -..." That's not the kind of reaction I'm looking for here. If I wanted that, all I would have to do is put on some makeup, a dress, and shave my legs lol.