Dysphoria Talk (triggering?)

[KabitTarah]

Especially since coming out, but always to some degree... my dysphoria is triggered by strongly emotional events... when I was verbally attacked it came back stronger than ever and still hasn't subsided much... when I got into arguments with my parents or wife... etc.

Now I'm starting to have quiet, rational discussions - two in two days with my parents. When I talked about my general anxiety ... i.e. dysphoria, I broke down and it came back again, even stronger.

The specific incident was going up the stairs from the basement (my home, for now) to go to work. It happened a couple weeks ago and I just got stuck on the first or second step for a minute or two. The problem was going to work as a male, and I literally had to force my feet to continue. My parents seemed to think this was depression ("what would you do if you didn't go to work?" "I don't know... go back to bed?")... but it seems more like general anxiety to me (with no "what-if" just the "doesn't-match" of dysphoria).

That's also the dysphoria I mostly get... I REALLY want boobs too... and less muscle, no erections, etc., but it's the social dysphoria that destroys me.

My parents still disagree with my point of view (equal fault with the divorce, mainly... how am I at fault if it's my condition that I was unable to communicate to even myself - that doesn't make sense)... but at least we're making some progress and moving forward. I think they understand why I need HRT - after that minor break down with them. They also acknowledge that it's my life and I should do with it as I want (again... I don't think they understand the difference between want and need with this stuff).

[Sacha]

I guess that it is dysphoria linked to gender but i can only suppose.

I feel bad when I see a sexy woman in the street. I find her attractive but I I,stead of wanting sex with her I want to be her.

Then I realize that I will never be her. I feel bad.

14 minutes later I see another woman I find sexy or pretty. I again want to be her. And as I know it is not possible I feel worse.

After a few women or directly with a woman with nice legs in nylon I feel totally down, as if I was in front of something magic, that I could never have. I feel desperate.

Once home I will think about transition and the same day or a few days later I will end up dressing as a woman and play with a dildo, thinking that I am a woman having sex with a man.

After I ejaculate, 2 possibilities

1) I feel relieved and I can live more or less like a normal man for a few days or weeks

2) I feel even worse because it was so good to be a woman a few hours and I catch that I could never be a woman out of my room in public so I think about suicide, I tell to myself that sooner or later I will kill myself.

I never feel guilty or ashamed. If I was, I may have killed myself.

[KabitTarah]

I can break my dysphoria down into these types:

• Specific Social Dysphoria
• General Social Dysphoria
• Body Dysphoria

Yes. Me too... except they don't have to be super attractive or anything... just female (and approx my age +/- 10 years).
It's not even the women that do it... it's their conversations and interactions. It's my wife, being close to her (because that's been OK again for a while - I don't know what it means), knowing she'll be gone soon, and watching her shop for things I want... wondering if it were ever possible for her to get me something like that for Christmas and knowing that I'll be lucky to even get a present. . . and crying into her back because of it all... (I don't think she noticed). That's all my specific dysphoria - the crying sort (crying inside or out).

My general dysphoria, though... the debilitating sort... usually happens in the morning. It's because I can't move forward knowing that I'm facing a day of interactions where everyone thinks I'm a man. It's because I have a little bit of anxiety knowing I have changes about me that they could pick up on. It's because I want them to pick up on these differences. That general dysphoria isn't depression. I'm happy to be me... I just want MORE me! I want to be in situations where I'm accepted as a woman and there aren't any such places (not IRL, except for when I pay for it: the therapist's ... that feels dirty to me, paying for a friend).

It hurts and I'm certain it's testosterone based. It makes sense to me... the surge in T from losing weight, exercise, and mornings. T is significantly higher in the morning and subsides all day long... and I can feel this change in me daily. The very best thing I can do is avoid people in the morning and wait it out (it usually lessens between 8 & 10 am). If it's not T... then I'm nuts in a very predictable fashion.

The body dysphoria isn't that bad. Yes I want boobs... yes I want female genitals... but I have a timeline and I'm making progress. Progress helps immensely - even if it's all just hair (shaving, laser, and growing out head hair). When progress with that slows I'll hopefully be very close to getting E.

But guilt or shame? No... I love who I am. My only shame is that I could never admit it before. I'm out and open about my feminism, too... and I'm just a better person in public despite the difficulties - and sometimes I fail, but I like to think I pick and choose my battles ~ I can't everyone.

[Lexi Belle]

I have had these to, specific and general social dysphorias.  I'd randomly burst out in tears- absolutely no triggered reason, even if I had just got done laughing.  The real reason would be because I just happened o think, why can't I be a girl right now.

Then I have the specific ones, which I still get.  My mother is really trying on this one.  I get extremely depressed when people refer to me as him or uncle or anything of that sort.

Body dysphoria, anymore this one is rare. But it IS there.  I've become pretty content with my body over the months on HRT and yoga practices. However I used to get these where I would resent certain attributes of my body. (Narrow hips, big ribs, etc.)  Now, they don't look nearly as bad as I thought they were. Likely due to my change in perspective.

I also, with women in general of all ages, would get upset that I wasn't them. I was crushed when I saw my sister's new born baby.

I don't really know how to solve these either, mine just significantly decreased as I progressed.  Just look to the future with bright eyes as often as possible. You'll get there someday.