WOMEN!!!!

[Ms Grace]

Yesterday I lost my cool with a very annoying colleague during a staff meeting. He was being bombastic, selfish, obstructionist... his usual form. There were nine women, him and myself in the room... they were all just as exasperated with him as I was but were letting him walk all over the agenda with his petty b#tching. Normally I blank him out and ignore him too but yesterday, suddenly, I couldn't take it anymore! I blame the hormones! 

He was droning on and on about some pointless point that he'd already made several times... and I just snapped. I didn't yell or anything, just interjected and said very directly we needed to move on instead of being stuck in a rut. The meeting got a bit "hairy chested" for about five minutes... he tried to continue regardless and said he couldn't understand what I was so irritated about... so I told him, politely but fairly bluntly!

Things settled down and we ended up having a very productive meeting. At the time I got a bit shaky from the adrenaline, I'm not usually confrontational and I would normally never do anything like that. A bit like the other women at my work I'm respectful and let the person have their say, no matter how frustrating they might be. And I really felt like I'd blown it with the ladies - that they saw it as a pissing competition between him and me, that we were behaving like "typical men". I was even wondering if my T was up or something.

After the meeting I figured I should apologise to the women individually for blowing my cool/losing my temper/making the meeting uncomfortable, etc. Turns out none of them saw it that way and they didn't think I needed to apologise saying they were glad I had done it. So kudos to me apparently. It's a bit frustrating though, if they all feel he needs to be put in his place why don't they do something about it themselves?? I mean I get it, women are polite and generally don't interrupt, etc - but these are all intelligent, assertive, proactive women and they (and wimpy me, usually) still let this guy walk all over the meeting, meeting after meeting. So I'm seen, not as the "pissing competition" guy but as the guy who put the other guy in his place... great, just great.

As the biggest wimp in the room I still managed to say something. But I was presenting as male... would I have dared do it if I was transitioned at work? Probably not - just like all the other women - I'm sorry to say.

So yeah, a bit of a rant, sorry. I don't even know what, if any point I'm trying to make. But I do wish women would stop letting guys walk all over them in these and other situations. And yet here's me, almost in the same boat and  conceding I'd probably be prepared to likewise batten down the hatches and let him get away with bad behaviour. Not a good sign.

[Cindy]

Welcome to being a female executive!

Confidence, my young lady is everything.

[Jenny07]

Good for you Grace.
You're not a wimp as you have a spine and can stand up.

So many meetings we have are mostly unproductive and repeat the same old story.
Don't get me wrong as I have run some fantastic ones this year and achieved real results but they are few and far between.

[Northern Jane]

I spent most of my career in business and in a male-dominated field and have seen what you describe occur with too great a frequency.

I believe that the root cause is that women tend to operate cooperatively and respectfully. If someone else begins to talk, women will normally be silent and let that person talk where as a man speaking will usually  talk louder and talk OVER the one interrupting. When the two styles are in the same  meeting, the women loose out. If the meeting is effectively chaired by Roberts Rules of Order, that doesn't happen but meetings are too often allowed to be "loosy-goosy" for lack of an effective chair and the only way to put things right is for SOMEONE to take control to ensure everyone gets heard and that means someone has to be put in their place.

How you can put someone in their place depends on your position in the corporate hierarchy. If you are "the ranking member" taking control is more simple but taking control over a troublesome male will  require forcefulness  - that's all many men understand. If you aren't the ranking official the other way is by pulling the less assertive women into the meeting - injecting fairly assertively "I would like to hear what Ms. Jones has to say on this topic."

In my earlier years (before I had status) I had been known to walk out on meetings with the comment "If I am not to  be heard, I have more productive ways to use my time." In my later years, as the "recognized expert", my silence was usually enough to be noticed. I had been known to let others "crash and burn" if they didn't listen. That kind of a reputation gets around and even the pushy ones realize it is better to seek your opinion than make a fool of themselves LOL!

Good luck Grace, and remember, a woman who allows herself to be pushed around isn't respected by anyone, not in business anyway.

[FTMDiaries]

I believe that the root cause is that women tend to operate cooperatively and respectfully.

This, to a certain extent. From my experience observing girls & women whilst growing up amongst them, they are taught that it's unladylike to confront someone directly, so instead they sit quietly and let you say your piece and but then they discuss it amongst themselves behind your back. That's how they exert their power: women are taught to use co-operative power, whereas men are taught to express individual power.

This means that the vast majority of ciswomen will not directly confront a boorish idiot in a meeting; instead, they'll subtly work together afterwards, behind the scenes, to undermine him. Once they've reached consensus, they might approach his superior and say that they don't think his plan is working and they'll suggest alternatives. That's how they change things; it just takes a little longer than an immediate confrontation, but it's no less effective. But that's just the majority of ciswomen; others won't stand for a boorish idiot and will confront him directly, face-to-face. In my experience, those women are the types that generally rise to Board-level positions, whereas the ones working together co-operatively are less likely to rise through the ranks. They are both examples of perfectly normal, perfectly healthy, female behaviour.

So whilst it may seem to you that they're letting him walk all over them, really they're not. They're just biding their time until they can talk amongst themselves, and do things their way. There's nothing wrong, inappropriate, or unfemale about your behaviour - nor would there be post-transition. In fact, the behaviour you exhibited by putting him in his place and then apologising to the ladies afterwards would probably earn you some brownie points post-transition because a lot of women get irritated by patronising men, but they also feel threatened by assertive women who break the co-operative mould.

Hope this makes some sense; it was pretty tough for me to figure it out too!

[Beth Andrea]

There's a difference between two men competing to rule the roost, and when someone (man or woman) stands up to a jerk who is trying to dominate or control something that is not his.

I say you did good, and with a charming follow-up in being concerned with how the quiet ones felt afterwards. I've found that although fewer women will speak up, many men will be silent as well.

[Ms Grace]

Thanks Cindy, Jen, Jane and Beth... everything is calm now, and the guy is even talking to me as if nothing happened!

This, to a certain extent. From my experience observing girls & women whilst growing up amongst them, they are taught that it's unladylike to confront someone directly, so instead they sit quietly and let you say your piece and but then they discuss it amongst themselves behind your back. That's how they exert their power: women are taught to use co-operative power, whereas men are taught to express individual power.

...

Hope this makes some sense; it was pretty tough for me to figure it out too!

oh yeah, it made a huge lot of sense! I think I knew it at some kind of subconscious level - but now you've pointed it out it's so crystal clear! Ever since I was young I was aware that my mother and sister and aunties and gal pals did it all the time, usually I'm part of the conversation on how much of a jerk that guy was, etc so I wasn't detached enough from it to realise it was a specific female tactic. In fact, following that meeting I walked in on two female colleagues talking in hushed voices - one immediately fessed up that they were talking about me, I laughed and said I was sorry for losing my cool in the meeting but they said "no need" and that they thought it was a great response... technically they were really talking about the other guy and, like you say, undermining him. This guy is a bit odd, early sixties probably with some degree of untreated Aspergers, he's not an idiot and has a lot of good ideas it's just that he has zero social skills and would be much more highly respected if he didn't carry on like such a bore and a self obsessed jerk in meetings... as it is he's merely tolerated instead. A shame really.