Stealth at work….Not Happy

[JLT1]

My employer has made an informal request that I refrain from presenting as female through the "awkward" stage.  This is due to my high visibility within the company and the fear that the message I deliver may be lost in viewing the messenger.  I don't really blame them that much and they have been so supportive in every other way.  I am planning FFS to be done as soon as I possible.  Until then, I work in guy mode; which I really dislike.
 
A few minutes ago, I had a call from someone wanting to send me information about a conference.  I got called "Sir" several times.  I was nice to them but I feel like crying. I wanted to scream "Quit calling me Sir.  I am not a "Sir". I'm going for a walk.

I HATE THIS!!!

Jen

[Ms Grace]

Currently in stealth mode at work myself, but that's by choice until I deal with most of my beard and hair. I totally get how frustrating and depressing and distressing it can be for you, Jen.

When I get a bit down about the sirs and hims and my male name I just remember the light at the end of the tunnel is growing nearer everyday, pretend I'm on an undercover mission infiltrating the domain of men in my clever male disguise and/or translate the sirs, hims, male name in my head back into ma'am, hers and Grace. For me it really helps keep the dismay and gender dissonance at bay.

Soon, soon...

[Jennygirl]

"undercover mission infiltrating the domain of men"

I had a good laugh when I read this! Lol. I felt the same way for some time.

Jen, Grace brings up a great idea here. And in a way you've got to infiltrate your own mind in order to circumvent any emotional trauma. Play games and try to make the best of the situation that you can.

Also, if you haven't already- make a plan or transition agenda. It helps to be able to count down the days, to know that you are getting closer, and to have hope that happiness is closer now than ever before.

[Gabrielle]

Jennifer, I can tell you are an emotionally strong and intelligent person.

I like to think of people like us as rosebuds, about to blossom.  We are not quite our true selves, but the inner beauty is apparent.  I am not sure we will be happy until we can be ourselves, but until then, we have understanding friends here.

[Zumbagirl]

That's one reason why I was doing electrolysis like a crazy person back then. That's one thing that could have stopped me from going full time. Well that and to me hair not being long enough. I truly hated that in the middle feeling, hair not long enough, just enough facial hair to require paint let alone make up and FFS was just a dream. I remember one week doing 5 4 hour electrolysis sessions or 20 hours. Man that smarted! I hated being called sir when the moment I left work I let my hair down and I was ma'am. But it's not forever, don't forget that. It goes away at some point!

[Robin Mack]

I feel your pain, Jen... it's like getting slapped in the face, especially after spending a weekend in "me mode" to be stuck back in "boy mode".  At my workplace, I'm only out to my immediate supervisor, who has suggested/requested that I keep a lid on things as long as I can.  He's looking for other opportunities for me (he's a contractor, too), but there isn't a lot available in my area right now.  And the current environment is not a happy place for transitioning. 

That's one reason why I was doing electrolysis like a crazy person back then. That's one thing that could have stopped me from going full time. Well that and to me hair not being long enough. I truly hated that in the middle feeling, hair not long enough, just enough facial hair to require paint let alone make up and FFS was just a dream. I remember one week doing 5 4 hour electrolysis sessions or 20 hours. Man that smarted! I hated being called sir when the moment I left work I let my hair down and I was ma'am. But it's not forever, don't forget that. It goes away at some point!

This... it's what I'm doing.  I know you have a timeline, with FFS, etc, and your job is a customer-facing job where appearance is critical... all I can suggest is to keep with the timeline, remember this interim time is limited, and for the love of all that is holy get out of your drag clothes at the end of the day.  I stopped doing that for a while, figuring "what was the point" of re-dressing when I got home... and it led to more misery and dysphoria than I knew I could experience.  It got to the point where, as I was shaving one morning, I actually thought of harming myself.

Not good.

During work, I find that it helps to keep Susan's up on my browser (as a software developer I'm afforded privacy and an unmonitored internet connection) as well as my all-female Facebook (link on my sig ) where I can be *me* even while at work.  It isn't ideal, but it helps me remind myself that just because I have to work in male mode doesn't mean I'm suppressing the real me any more than I have to.

*hugs*  We'll get through this. 

[JLT1]

I'm back now and feeling better.  The dysphoira can really bite hard sometimes.  I don't even know why that one was so tough.  I've been sitting here, reading and typing away all day.  But I'm hiding.  Until FFS and my consult is Wednesday.  Then, we schedule.  Maybe it is because I feel I'm getting close?  I don't know.  Last night was so wonderful.  Jennygirl did some photoshop so I could get a good idea what I will look like after FFS.  That was so great.

Thank you all for the support.  I'm updating my plan to reflect recent developments.  I finish electrolysis in one more week.  FFS is ASAP and I'll find out when Wednesday.  I think I'm getting a female facebook.  I like that idea.

Thank you all.

Big Hugs,

Jen

[Ms Grace]

The dysphoira can really bite hard sometimes.  I don't even know why that one was so tough.

I know what you mean, sometimes you can be sailing along coping well and then whammo! As we say in Australia, something knocks you for a six (cricketing term!). Recently some random dude referred to me as a "gentleman" and I have no idea why but it really got up my nose and I even felt offended. I just smiled back with a twinkle in my eye and said "I'm no gentleman, believe me" and left it at that but it felt good to say. He had a laugh thinking I meant one thing and I had a laugh knowing I meant something completely different!

Glad you're feeling better!