Hi I'm Adrilynn :)

[Adrilynn]

Well its been long confusing destructive to others self destructive and I've recently figured out why ok so I was molested at 4-5 by my maternal grandmother I was physically and verbally abused by my father and step fathers my whole life I've been pit out and had to live outside as early as 12 I have gotten in lots of trouble in early childhood because of violence towards others beating up students hitting teachers and police turning over desks throwing things etc but as I got older it turned inwards I started cutting myself at 11 I first tried to kill myself at 12 my dad was a drug dealer so lotta violence around the house guns drugs sex erc I first consumed cocaine at 9 I developed a problem with drugs I've been arrested for them thrice tried to overdose twice tried to hang myself once tried to slit my wrist once I've been in mental hospitals before longest overnight stay was about a week I faked my way out I've been to jail for a year and half got out in September on probation umm I've always been an outcast always alone always made fun of no one to give mt love to no one to love me had 2 gfs both not long one never likes me and was sleeping around the whole time gave me an std got pregnant by another I've been kicked out between mu dads to my moms to my gmas been kicked outta school never finished high school cuz I was arrested at 17 but I got my GED I've realized I have been purposely self destructing and i've figured out what the root of my problems are and why I am the other day its because I was born to be a woman I'm not a man and as a result of abuse and anguish and self hatred I've developed bipolar disorder psychosis depersonilization disorder opposition defiance disorder multiple personalities anxiety disorder etc etc I have committed atrocities and I now now why I was born with an instict to be a mommy I saw a picture of my gmas toddler class when I was really depressed and stoned and I realized  that the empty place I've been trying to fill with drugs food sex basically overindulgence I was trying to feel that empty place in me where a baby is supposed to be and that's one of the reasons why I have been purposely self destructive because I'm not a real woman and I just realized that I want to be one and I want. to conceive I also hate my body and how I look I hate myself I'm disgusting I will never know the joy of being with child and its a sad sad empty feeling I'll never be beautiful either and I had an urge the other day to kill my woman side kill my human emotions and if I can't create anything I'll destroy everything but I did sob for the motherhood and womanhood that God decided to give me instincts for but a body where it isn't possible

[Danielle Emmalee]

Hi Adrilynn.  Welcome to Susan's.

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I did my best to read through your post, I know it can be difficult to talk about a lot of that stuff and I feel for you, but if you could use punctuation, and some separation into separate paragraphs, it would make things much easier to read and will garner more responses.

[Adrilynn]

Oh I sincerely apologize.  it was just getting that stuff out I didn't think. I'm sorry.
Additionally that sort of thing is usually not a problem on the internet haha.

[Danielle Emmalee]

No need to apologize.  Type however you would like.  I was just letting you know that people generally respond more when they find things easy to read. 

[Adrilynn]

Oh ok. I see what you're saying.

[Gina Taylor]

Hi Adrilynn and welcome to our family here at Susan's. 
*HUGS*

[Beth Andrea]

Hi Adrilynn!

I read your whole post quite easily, one of my sons writes similarly...:-) As long as you're getting all  that hurt out of you, that's great.

*hugs*

Sounds like you've talked to a therapist already? Please don't try to hide your pain and history, healing takes a long time...better to start the journey as soon as you're ready.

Welcome to this place, a home on the wild frontier of teh Interwebz!

[peky]

Well its been long confusing destructive to others self destructive and I've recently figured out why ok so I was molested at 4-5 by my maternal grandmother I was physically and verbally abused by my father and step fathers my whole life I've been pit out and had to live outside as early as 12 I have gotten in lots of trouble in early childhood because of violence towards others beating up students hitting teachers and police turning over desks throwing things etc but as I got older it turned inwards I started cutting myself at 11 I first tried to kill myself at 12 my dad was a drug dealer so lotta violence around the house guns drugs sex erc I first consumed cocaine at 9 I developed a problem with drugs I've been arrested for them thrice tried to overdose twice tried to hang myself once tried to slit my wrist once I've been in mental hospitals before longest overnight stay was about a week I faked my way out I've been to jail for a year and half got out in September on probation umm I've always been an outcast always alone always made fun of no one to give mt love to no one to love me had 2 gfs both not long one never likes me and was sleeping around the whole time gave me an std got pregnant by another I've been kicked out between mu dads to my moms to my gmas been kicked outta school never finished high school cuz I was arrested at 17 but I got my GED I've realized I have been purposely self destructing and i've figured out what the root of my problems are and why I am the other day its because I was born to be a woman I'm not a man and as a result of abuse and anguish and self hatred I've developed bipolar disorder psychosis depersonilization disorder opposition defiance disorder multiple personalities anxiety disorder etc etc I have committed atrocities and I now now why I was born with an instict to be a mommy I saw a picture of my gmas toddler class when I was really depressed and stoned and I realized  that the empty place I've been trying to fill with drugs food sex basically overindulgence I was trying to feel that empty place in me where a baby is supposed to be and that's one of the reasons why I have been purposely self destructive because I'm not a real woman and I just realized that I want to be one and I want. to conceive I also hate my body and how I look I hate myself I'm disgusting I will never know the joy of being with child and its a sad sad empty feeling I'll never be beautiful either and I had an urge the other day to kill my woman side kill my human emotions and if I can't create anything I'll destroy everything but I did sob for the motherhood and womanhood that God decided to give me instincts for but a body where it isn't possible

we all have suffered similar abuses.... You pain is real and hard ...OOO

welcome to Sue's....happy posting !!!

[Adrilynn]

thanks so much everyone . I feel really welcome.  Also I haven't talked to a therapist about everything I figured out a lot of stuff on my own

[Danielle Emmalee]

Will all of that having gone on in your life, I have a feeling that there is little chance that a therapist wouldn't be extremely valuable for you to go see.

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Adrilynn,

Welcome to our little family. Over 8500 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet  )O(

[Devlyn]

Hi Adrilynn, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. Thanks for sharing with us. I have a tough time with wall-o-text, too. If I were still on the Staff I'd break that up for you. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

[Adrilynn]

I know about the therapist I'm currently going to a mental health clinic know as MHMRA here in Houston and thank you Devlyn and Ms..OBrien

[Danielle Emmalee]

Good to hear you are getting some help.

[Adrilynn]

thanks and I'm on medication as well