I need help....

[lez_luvs_him]

Hi everyone. I will make this short as I just found this site and dont have time to fully disclose but will later.  Long story short... im a lesbian and my partner is debating on becomming an ftm.. weve talked about it in the past and I am supportive I totally understand it and want her well soon to be him to be happy. I love her with all my heart and have endulged in things I normally wouldnt to make her feel better. In the past she stated it was enough for me to treat her like a man and have her "butch" apperence but all of a sudden its not enough and she wants more. I love her with everything I have and I always will.. however I identify as a lesbian not a straight woman and its causing me to worry this will destroy our relationship. Again no matter what or who she is I will love her as a person but I am affraid its something I c ant handle.  I want a wife not a husband bit at the same time she needs to be happy and I feel im holding him back.  Im so torn bc I I want her to be what dhe wants to be but its like loosing one person for another and I feel selfish wanting the person I fell in luv with to stay.  I dont wamt to lose her and will love him no matter what but again I dont know how to deal. Bc if she transitions to a man that means im transitioning to into a straight woman forcably or im without her/him.  Is theyre a way to win this for both of us to be happy??? The only thing I can come up with is to let her go so she can be 100%  .  With himself.... and I dont want too...  bit I might have too bc I think shes already stalled the process bc of me and I feel terrible.  Help please I just want us both happy but its not looking possible

[lez_luvs_him]

This post has had 31 veiws and no comments.... I hope someone has some opion or help on the matter I can take it good or bad.  Im so lost... am I doing something wrong??? ....

[ZoeM]

I'm just curious - which is more important to you? Who you love? Or what you love?
Put another way, you obviously love this Person - what is it that makes you love him? His (currently female) body? Or who he is inside?

Because who he is will never change, and who he is was always, and remains, a man. It's just what he is that's changing.

[Joe.]

You're not doing anything wrong don't worry. Welcome to Susan's. I'm an ftm and I think the best thing you can do is try to support him as much as possible. However, to do that you must think about yourself too (and that isn't selfish) if you don't think you can cope with their transition, talk to them about it. It sounds like you have a very open and honest relationship which is really great to hear. From your post it sounds like you're worried about losing your lesbian identity. If all labels were removed would you want to stay with him? You have a long journey ahead of you and it is going to take a lot of time and talking. You're already talking about it which is the first step. I'm sorry I can't be much more help. Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with. All the best.

[lez_luvs_him]

At zoe. Thats the problem I thought he would be the same person but everything is changing starting with his personality. She has not even started transitioning and is becomming a differnt person. And yes I will love no matter what but just as everyone else on the planet has a sexual prefernce that they cant help so do I.  Thats why im affaid it will change our relationship not our love for eachother. I feel so selfish for not wanting to loose her. But even tho shes torn with becoming trans I feel im just a hinderence bc she knows I love her and she wants to be someone else.

[lez_luvs_him]

At joe thank you.  And yes we talk a lot and are very honest for the most part but I dont think shes being as honest with me. She sees me worry about losing her for him and than she questions herself.  I feel like im more of the problem bc I feel shell never leave me ... and if she doesnt shell never fully tranision and ill be the one feeling responsible for her not fully becomming him.  For along time the name and other sexual activities were enough for her to feel manly enough and express himself. But now its come up again and now its not enough. If she wants to be a he she shouldnt have to compromise to be with me.  I just dont know how to deal.  I support everything no matter how sad I am inside but still happy when she feels like she should. Im affaid being a lesbian I will never beable to make him feel as he should when more transformations take place.  This saddens me so much.

[lez_luvs_him]

Peregine thank u so much for ur insite.  I truely appriciate any feed back. I agree with all ur saying and I know im probley just over worring over future things but I cant do anything but. And its not a winning or losing issue its a I want both of us to have what we want and its a hard pill to swallow knowing thats impossible.  Im well versed in tranistions I hsve friends that have and are going through it but its just the shock of things going from a parcial change that both of us are happy to not being enough and having to change is so hard. When we met we talked about her feelings on this and I was supportive from the begining even as friends.  I had dated someone prior who started to transition and it didnt work out bmostly bc she wasnt honest with me about it. And my partner now knew that and at the being she assured me that she was comfortable only going so far with it and that she was more than happy with it so I agreed to start seeing her knowing there would be no suprises.  But now it has changed.  And im not sure if her mind just changed or if she suppressed it bc of me which is not what I want.  I guess I just have to face the fact that with this there is no comprimise even though it affects me too.  I feel so selfish for even discussing it in this matter. 

[lez_luvs_him]

Thank u so much again and I will.

[Ludwig]

Sometimes, the transitioning partner can become very self-centered and focused entirely on themselves, to the exclusion of everything else.

If the relationship is important to both partners, then it is important enough to keep talking and possibly seek out couples therapy.  Good luck to you.

[lez_luvs_him]

U hit the nail on the head.. shes very self concerned.  Thanks for ur insite.  Unfortunatly theropy is something I cant afford now... tho I think its a good idea.

[Ludwig]

I am happy that I could help a little bit.  Sometime there are places that have community services and can refer you to a therapist who is in training (with oversight), and needs experience in LGBTQ clients.

[blueconstancy]

(My wife transitioned about 4 years ago now.) The thing that leaps out at me is "becoming a straight woman" - there's two aspects to that, and it's entirely possible that you can cope with both, with one and not the other, or with neither. You are going to be *perceived* as a straight woman by much of society (and I'm bisexual, so I can attest from personal experience that almost nobody ever sees bi as an option...). The second half is that you do not, however, have to accept that label for yourself. There are even self-defined lesbians who have occasional male partners or relationships with men. If your partner is OK with it, you can continue to see yourself as a lesbian with one exception, or you can accept a label like bisexual/pansexual/queer rather than lesbian OR straight.

On the other hand, if you genuinely cannot imagine being with a man romantically or sexually, then you're in the same heartbreaking boat as het women whose husbands transition - you just can't change your orientation enough to include him. In which case, yes, you have to either choose to remain in a relationship with someone you can't be romantic with, or move on. I will caution that since you love him very much and don't want to leave, it may be worth running a trial period in which you see if you can cope with the changes. Perhaps you'll find your orientation is more flexible than you expected at the end of it. That's only if you think you can tolerate a long time in limbo waiting for the other shoe to drop, though, and no one should blame or accuse you if you can't. This is a hard thing to deal with even for someone who *is* sure about their attraction to people of the same gender that their partner's transitioning to.

You are not being selfish, and compromise *may* be possible if he's willing to work with you here.

Lastly, I will say that my wife is indeed the same person. She's happier, calmer, and more contented now, but there haven't been huge personality changes. The physical changes ARE huge - and I'm not in any way minimizing how much that can matter - but I was terrified that I'd also find myself married to a stranger, and that didn't happen.

[lez_luvs_him]

Thank you blue that was what I was affraid of..... it took me forever to find myself and now to make things work I have to start all over again.  Its not that I dont want to put in the effort bit its that I already have many times finally got comfortable for her and myself but it just never stops changing. Its so hard.  And I appriciate u saying im not being selfish but it still feels like it.  Ive given everyth8ng to her I possiblely could except my identy and me not wanting to give it up is why I feel so selfish.  I want to beable to do whatever makes her him happy but I feel its unfair that if I choose to transition shed love me but not be with me because id than be a man... and shewants to identifeyas a straight man. I love her so much but dont want to lose myself in the process. I just wish I could snap my fingers and be who she wants me to be but I guess she feels the same way about herself.

[blueconstancy]

I certainly don't think it's that you "don't want to put in the effort," for the record. As someone who's walked that walk, it's a LOT of effort, and it's agonizing and backbreaking and sometimes seems endless. I used to point out that my reward for going through hell was going to be basically the status quo (the person I love and a happy relationship), which I *already had* before she turned everything upside down. I have nothing but sympathy and understanding for someone who doesn't think they can get through it, especially in cases of conflicting sexual orientations and no guarantees about the ending.

Frankly, with everything you've already sacrificed, you sound perhaps too self*less* for your own good...  Especially given that he wouldn't stay if you transitioned, he ought to understand your limits here. It's even still possible for you to be a lesbian with a straight man, but only if he too is willing to be flexible, which isn't much to ask in exchange for what you'd be going through by his side.


and I think most of us wish for that magic wand occasionally.

[lez_luvs_him]

Thank u again blue... im in tears over this daily.... and I try so hard to hide it bc he slready knows im concerned but than gets upset and questions herself when she sees me so sad.  Your really putting it into prospective for me and I appricateit and all the others who posted.  I really cant thank u enough for offering ur help to me.  I do fear it may be a worry that will never go away... and yes sometimes im too selfless but I dont know any other way to be.  Maybe im wrong but ive always felt its better to suffer some with the one u love than to suffer without them.  Everyone always tells me I try too hard and that I cant save the world and for the first time ever I truely feel like I cant...  even though I kills me alittle each day I keep trying....... staying positive about it so hard.